How to accept that life isn't how I want it to be?

alyth

January20 wrote: »

It's not that easy to find other single, childless friends when you are in your 40s, sadly. Most people around the same age will have partner and/ or families. Younger and older people may not have the same interests.

It depends on what you are looking for with regards to your friends - I have friends from teenagers to 70s, and I do different things with them. I'm strongly child-free by choice and whilst some of my friends do have children, a lot of them don't. Some of my friends share my love of history so we go on days out to see historical things. Other friends love shopping so I do that with them. It's fantastic to have a differing range group of friends - I don't feel my age at all and that's due to the huge difference in all the friends I have and what we do together.

January20

alyth wrote: »

It depends on what you are looking for with regards to your friends - I have friends from teenagers to 70s, and I do different things with them. I'm strongly child-free by choice and whilst some of my friends do have children, a lot of them don't. Some of my friends share my love of history so we go on days out to see historical things. Other friends love shopping so I do that with them. It's fantastic to have a differing range group of friends - I don't feel my age at all and that's due to the huge difference in all the friends I have and what we do together.

I have friends who are between 10-15 years younger than me and 20 years older than me. I'm 48. I don't think I could see myself being friends - ie real friends - with a 20 yo but perhaps that is because I have a 19 yo dd? And I teach people around that age? Although I generally have a really good relationship with my teenage students. And my dd's friends too. Perhaps those 2 roles, mother and teacher, are making me see them in a different light?

In reality, I don't think "physical" age is a problem really, as it's "mental" age that is important.

Oldernotwise, you have reminded me of something: When I first arrived in the UK, at the tender age of 21, I was amazed to see all these old ladies having tea on their own in cafes. I admired them a lot.

There are places I will go alone no problem ie the cinema, theatre, museums and galleries, coffee shops, shopping centres, etc but there are others where, frankly, no, no way!

Catslovelycats

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Actually, I believe most people meet their partners at work.

Urgh, Hope not. I hate the thought of getting entangled in the private life f any of my male colleagues! Thanks but no thanks!

Mountainbaby, I'm, 43 and similar position to you. When I hit 40 I decided that I wasn't going to hanker after things I can't control and accepted the single life. I occasionally have times when I wish I had a bf, but I have determined to be happy in myself and make the most of the life I do have. My married friends often say how jealous they are of me - that doesn't make things feel better when I'm struggling with singleness, but it does help me to remember that being single has lots of pluses.

As others have said here, make the most of what you have. Keep busy so that you aren't sitting at home lonely. Maybe someone will come along, maybe they won't. But don't look back when you 60 and realise that you spent (wasted) your life waiting for something that didn't happen when you could look back at having had a fulfilling and enjoyable time.

Thinking of you. This is a difficult time of year to struggle with this sort of issue and there is sadly nothing you can do to switch off how you feel.

Catslovelycats

Person_one wrote: »

January's right.

I live on my own, I am happily single, very comfortable spending time alone and happy to do lots of things solo.

I would never dream of going to a pub for a drink on my own, not in a million years, it would be very very odd and I dread to think of the sort of male attention it would attract, it was bad enough when I worked behind a bar on my own. I've only ever gone to restaurants alone when its been a necessity (travelling alone etc) and when I do I take a book so I don't feel so exposed!

I'm not actively looking for a partner, in fact I'm actively NOT looking one for at least the next year or so, but I'm not too proud to admit that there are lots of occasions and situations where being single makes you stick out like a sore thumb or makes it hard to fully participate.

Completely agree with all your points here. Well put.:T

Oldernotwiser

catslovelycats wrote: »

Urgh, Hope not. I hate the thought of getting entangled in the private life f any of my male colleagues! Thanks but no thanks!
.

I was talking statistically, as well as my own experience of meeting my husband at the college where we both taught. There were half a dozen other people who were married to or living with colleagues and it really wasn't a problem.

Person_one

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I was talking statistically, as well as my own experience of meeting my husband at the college where we both taught. There were half a dozen other people who were married to or living with colleagues and it really wasn't a problem.

It does depend on your job, its not easy to meet people at work when you're in a profession dominated by one gender, ask a fireman, a nurse, an engineer or a primary teacher!

SandC

Actually I'm finding it easier to make new friends now that I'm in my 40s. Why be trying to find single, childless ones though?

I've made friends through the gym and zumba and mostly they are married with children. The difference is that their children are older and therefore not dependent - and the marriages are established enough that they have their own interests outside - which includes meeting up with friends, weekends away, concerts you name it.

Even the friends I've had for many years who I hadn't been seeing as much due to them having young families etc. are now starting to be a lot more available - in part as we've either got a bit more disposable income or we've learnt how to use it better.

Oh and I hate going for a meal alone. That's why I take group hols primarily as having dinner should be a nice, fun experience but on your own it is just refuelling. For me, anyway. Grabbing a bite to eat at lunch is one thing but anything else, nah not for me. Have no problem whatsoever with things like cinema or theatre though. And you should see how many people on plane are travelling on their own these days.

January20

SandC wrote: »

Actually I'm finding it easier to make new friends now that I'm in my 40s. Why be trying to find single, childless ones though?

At times like Christmas, New Year, those friends in relationships and/ or with children will have commitments which don't allow them to fit in their friends, so the single, childless ones are left on their own. It's good to have all kinds of friends, but some in a similar situation to one's own may be more "dependable" for want of a better word.

SandC

Yes that is true but I am sometimes wary of those kind of friendships - they can be a bit fairweather and far from dependable are more likely to disappear each time a new fella comes on the scene and then pop back up again wanting someone to socialise with when circumstances change. Which is absolutely fine, of course I understand completely how it is when you meet someone and want to spend a lot of time with them.

I suppose I have been on the receiving end of people expecting you to be around to 'party' with cos that's what single people do....

Catslovelycats

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I was talking statistically, as well as my own experience of meeting my husband at the college where we both taught. There were half a dozen other people who were married to or living with colleagues and it really wasn't a problem.

Oh yes. I've got friends who've met at/through work, too. I was just being slightly humorous. (You really haven't met the men I work with!!!!).:D