How to accept that life isn't how I want it to be?

Person_one

SandC wrote: »

Yes that is true but I am sometimes wary of those kind of friendships - they can be a bit fairweather and far from dependable are more likely to disappear each time a new fella comes on the scene and then pop back up again wanting someone to socialise with when circumstances change. Which is absolutely fine, of course I understand completely how it is when you meet someone and want to spend a lot of time with them.

I suppose I have been on the receiving end of people expecting you to be around to 'party' with cos that's what single people do....

Me too, usually when a coupled up friend finds themselves suddenly single and wants you to go out on the hunt for a replacement with them!

I love my true friends because of who they are, it makes no real difference to the friendship if they are single or not and we still make an effort to see each other despite other commitments. I don't think just having the same marital status is really the best basis for a friendship!

January20

SandC wrote: »

Yes that is true but I am sometimes wary of those kind of friendships - they can be a bit fairweather and far from dependable are more likely to disappear each time a new fella comes on the scene and then pop back up again wanting someone to socialise with when circumstances change. Which is absolutely fine, of course I understand completely how it is when you meet someone and want to spend a lot of time with them.

I suppose I have been on the receiving end of people expecting you to be around to 'party' with cos that's what single people do....

Person_one wrote: »

Me too, usually when a coupled up friend finds themselves suddenly single and wants you to go out on the hunt for a replacement with them!

But then I find it quite disheartening when some friends will only see after all their other commitments, so you get sandwiched for a quick coffee when they have 15 minutes or when they want a moan about their OH or their family. It could be said that they are not real friends of course.

I too have had my fair share of "fair weather" friends and I am very wary now. It's when someone who you thought was a real friend lets you down that it's depressing! That's life I suppose!

MountainBaby

Brighton_belle wrote: »

MB - CBT isn't just for treating depression. You say money is fine - well you can pay for 6 sessions yourself privately and no waiting time.

Actually I've never said money is fine on this thread, if you read my posts I've actually said I have debt, and that my life is good except for love and money. There's no way I'd afford private CBT. But I will read up the links I was given earlier in the thread.

burnoutbabe wrote: »

get some new friends, those who have time for you and like going out and doing things with you? that way you can be happier with the situation.

you make it sound like I can just go to Sainsbury's and get some new friends!! Do you know how hard it is to make new friends? They don't grow on trees you know! Anyway, I’ve never said I’ve got no friends! Actually I've already made a whole host of new friends this year when I joined the running club.

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

When you enter a relationship your life changes and the two of you make a new life together which may be very different from the one you have when on your own. The chances of your finding someone who wants to live exactly the way you do are pretty limited and it doesn't sound as if compromise or accepting change is your strong suit.

Yes I know this, no need to patronise me! Of course things would change if I met someone, but I never have so I have created my life the way I like it!!! That doesn't mean I can't accept change! I've never needed to so far!! I've never said I want someone to fit into my little box or that I'm not prepared to compromise. You're missing the point completely! I don't need to change or compromise because I have never met anyone to change or compromise for!!

Catslovelycats you’ve hit the nail on the heat in post #124. That’s what I’m trying to achieve here, acceptance of my situation, not ways to change it. That’s not what I was asking at all.

Look, I have a close and supportive family. I have close and wonderful friends whose lives have changed over the years so that we now have different needs although we are still close and meet up regularly. I have new friends who I am not yet that close with as friendships take time to grow. I’ve said all the way through this thread I like my life, I’m not looking to make massive changes to it, I just want to be able to accept things as they are and get on with enjoying what I’ve created! I think I’ve done a pretty good job of making myself a life that suits me (except for the debt!), I just need to learn how to enjoy what I’ve got and stop hankering after the unachievable. That was my question. Not how to meet men, not how to make new friends, and not how to change my life into something else. Simple!!

Sambucus_Nigra

MountainBaby wrote: »

I’ve said all the way through this thread I like my life, I’m not looking to make massive changes to it, I just want to be able to accept things as they are and get on with enjoying what I’ve created! Simple!!

Well then, just do it - I can't see how anyone can help you to do it particularly when you seem to take umbridge at the responses you are getting.

MountainBaby

Because the responses are not relevent to my original question.

The responses seem to me, to indicate that people think I should be going off travelling the world, meeting new people, going out by myself all the time and that if I do those things then a man will just appear and my problems are over!

Person_one

MountainBaby wrote: »

Because the responses are not relevent to my original question.

The responses seem to me, to indicate that people think I should be going off travelling the world, meeting new people, going out by myself all the time and that if I do those things then a man will just appear and my problems are over!

To be fair, you posed a question for which there is no easy answer, even when people have tried to offer solutions to your specific problem (CBT, reaching out to other singles) you dismissed them.

What are you looking for from people? If you just want to have a bit of a moan, that's ok, but let us know so we don't annoy you with helpful suggestions.

burnoutbabe

MountainBaby wrote: »

you make it sound like I can just go to Sainsbury's and get some new friends!! Do you know how hard it is to make new friends? They don't grow on trees you know! Anyway, I’ve never said I’ve got no friends! Actually I've already made a whole host of new friends this year when I joined the running club.

your original post sounded like you didn't have friends to go and do things, so were sitting there, surrounded by married couples, feeling lonely. ie your current friends make you feel bad.

Finding new friends/people to hang out with is far easier than finding a man. its much less pressured, you just find people who like doing what you like and hang out with them (ie get some film buddies at local film society if thats your thing or theatre goers or friends of the museum etc)

Its what i did when i wanted to accept i'd be single for the long term, made efforts to get a good group of single friends who would come to things i wanted to do or attend weddings with me if desired and I'd never feel "the single one on my own" at nights out.

you keep the old friends of course, but just find additional people to do things with. Create the life you want as a single person. which to me involved having lots of people who I could do things with and never feeling the odd one out if i could help it.

MountainBaby

To be fair though burnoutbabe, that is what I have done. I've joined clubs to do the activities I enjoy, I have created a life I enjoy. I just need to get past the emotional block of letting go of what i can't seem to have.

I guess I just wanted advice from anyone who has experience of accepting a situation they didn't necessarily choose to be in, and who had been able to be happy in spite of that situation. That's all.

I shall read this thread back, some of the comments in here are helpful so thank you everyone for your thoughts.

Sambucus_Nigra

MountainBaby wrote: »

Because the responses are not relevent to my original question.

The responses seem to me, to indicate that people think I should be going off travelling the world, meeting new people, going out by myself all the time and that if I do those things then a man will just appear and my problems are over!

But only YOU can decide to accept your life is going to be that way. We can only offer ideas.

Would you prefer it if we said 'Get over it luv'? Or called you horrid names? Probably not.

From what I can see, people have tried to give you ideas, how do they know that you have tried every possible thing that is imaginable in order to find a mate? I think they have been pretty patient and friendly, to be honest.

Person_one

burnoutbabe wrote: »

Finding new friends/people to hang out with is far easier than finding a man. its much less pressured, you just find people who like doing what you like and hang out with them (ie get some film buddies at local film society if thats your thing or theatre goers or friends of the museum etc)

I don't think that's true at all. Meeting friends as an adult, real close friends you can call when you're depressed or you can ask to keep a spare key to your house or you can stay with them if your boiler explodes and so on, is actually quite hard.

Friendships need to grow organically while with romantic relationships you at least both know what the 'goal' is and everything's a bit more 'cards on the table' and frank. When you meet other adults they tend to already have established friendships, commitments, a routine etc. I think it can be really easy to make more casual friends, or friendly acquaintances as adults but harder to develop the deep close friendships you make as a child, teenager, or young adult.

My closest friends are still all people I met before I was 21.