How to accept that life isn't how I want it to be?

Sambucus_Nigra

MountainBaby wrote: »

Because I said so in my very first post...

Anyway, I don't want to get into arguements here. As I said, I'm going to read back through and pick out the helpful bits, read the info I've been advised to read and see what I can make of it all.

Did you respond to that question I asked right at the beginning; have you asked any of your male friends why they think men don't find you attractive or why they think you don't get dates?

It could be something simple as coming across a bit aggressive when mentioning certain topics.

I'm 44 and was single by choice for many years; but you have to realise that there is usually a reason why women aren't getting dates. However, if you have to ask 'how can I accept this and move on' it means you aren't accepting this and moving on.

And you have to realise that if you accept it and decide to move on, it will likely be a self fulfilling prophesy as you won't put yourself out there any more in order to get a date/man/chance.

I appreciate what you are saying; that you don't want any advice on how to find someone and all you want to do is accept that you will never have someone but if you are still wanting someone you can't really accept that you will never have someone so the only advice could be to stop wanting someone but if you stop wanting someone you may never get someone.

So the only logical conclusion would be to find out perhaps why you can't find someone by asking people their opinions and maybe getting some potentially bad feedback on yourself. Hard, but potentially a life changing experience.

burnoutbabe

I'd spend a final year "looking for someone" and then i could accept i'd done all i could.

As men have found you attractive (when yonger and the married man last year)

So i'd go out with everyone on the dating site in my area - 10 years older to 10 years younger. ones with kids and not. I'd see how many of them "fancied" me, even if i decided I wasn't into them in that way, just to prove that some men do fancy me. Then I could be confident that it wasn't that I was unloveable by anyone, just I wasn't into the men who were into me, so my choice to be single. (My reasons for being single, I am 6 foot, so taller than most men, also earn far more than most men, and not really very girly, so I wouldn't appeal to the majority of guys, I accepted that, most guys didnt appeal to me either).

I think it needs a final "i have tried everything and am happy to accept it won't happen" attempt. A year of going to singles parties/joining paid for dating agencies rather than online ones (dateline for example has serious people who seriously want a date, though e-harmony is good too. And on dates just "pretend" to be having an ace time and interested in everything they have to say (unless they are very obnoxious).

That would be the only way I'd be able to accept it wasnt meant to be, by trying things and realising it was my choice to be single, i could date certain men, but they weren;t for me, so being single was better than being in a relationship with them.

euronorris

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

Have you ever asked any of your male friends your questions? As we can only speculate and argue about the reasons that you aren't getting any chap action.

I am wondering about this also, as friends have a habit of telling us we're great, and we're doing everything right, because they're afraid of hurting our feelings by telling us the truth.

For example, there is a guy who I went to school with, who is now on bookface. Lovely guy, very sweet, socialable etc, but he tries way too hard with women, and does come accross as desperate. Though, he doesn't know it because his close friends always tell him the opposite. It's painful to watch because he puts things on his status about how badly he wants to meet someone special, and how sad and lonely he feels because he hasn't yet found a girlfriend, and yet he doesn't seem to realise that statuses like that would put most women off. And no one wants to tell him, because it'll hurt his feelings or we're not close enough to him to be that honest with him.

So, I would casually ask some guy friends how you come accross and what they think you could change to improve your chances.

And I wouldn't give up, either. It is quite clear that this is very important to you, so I just don't think it's something that you can give up on, IYSWIM.

I think Alyth's post was very good. It IS all about taking risks sometimes. I was single for about 5 years at one point. I dated, but just couldn't seem to find a good match. So I just pushed it to one side for the time being, and concentrated on everything else that made me happy - which included going out with my friends.

And then I met my OH. He was living in Belgium at the time, and I was in Kent. He was visiting a mutual friend for the weekend. But we had an instant connection, and just got on so well, that he asked me to come visit him the next weekend. Usually I would've said no, too risky. But, I thought to myself 'this is the first guy, in a LONG time, that I really like and get on with' so I went for it. We're still together almost 4 years on, and living in Holland now, so things can change massively, when you least expect them to. The trick is not expecting them to! lol

I wish you luck and happiness with whatever you decide. xx

FBaby

Your question really is an existentialist one and is not so much about singlehood but about happiness. It's trying to find an answer to a dilemma that most peole face on a regular basis, how much do i seek the level of happiness I need by aspiring for more (an inner need for progress), and how much do I find happiness through acceptance of what I am lucky to have (inner need for self-preservation).

Being single only highlights a bit more this dilemma because there is indeed an expectation that being with a partner and having children is directly link with happiness. My experience is that firstly it is a personal thing very much dependent on your personality, and secondly it is not all or nothing and one needs to find the best balance.

When I was single, I made the best of it and didn't consider me unhappy, but did feel a strong calling that I would be happier with a partner, a right partner, so somehow, despite having faced disappointments after disappointments, living be slightly bitter and despondent with the whole thing, I just couldn't give it up. I continued to log on the dating site, and although my hopes had been more or less squashed, I kept going...and it paid off... I've now met my -almost perfect' partner and am certainly happier all in all. Because hinsight is wonderful, I can say that I did the right thing not to give up. A number of my 'friends' who were in the same situation are still single, and part of me thinks that it is because they gave up when I didn't. Saying that, I haven't reached the complete happiness that I naively thought would come once I met the man I love. It comes with other questions, other expectations and the existentialist questions remain!!

Saying that, I'm now having to consider taking the other approach. We've been trying for a baby for 2 1/2 years together. I fell pregnant the first month trying, but miscarried, and since then, nothing. I'll spare all the details of the investigations, discussions around whether to do IVF etc.... Those years have been very tough mentally and emotionally in terms of whether to keep fighting or accept how lucky I am that I already have two wonderful children and a partner I love (who does give me a lot of heartaches though!). One voice tells me to keep going because I strongly feels that it is the right thing to do, that my partner deserves to become a father one day, even if he has given up himself, that if I keep going, it will happen, that I shouldn't give up, like I didn't to find my partner. The other voice tells me that I am just acting spoilt, that I should be ashamed of feeling down when my period comes and feel down, that the mental pressure that comes with it all is not good for anyone, that I just need to move on and concentrate on what I have. It is taking many many months to move from one to the other. I am getting pretty close to finally accepting the situation and be happy with it, but I still have some down times.

Only you can decide whether you have enough energy left to continue to hope or whether it would be better for you to concentrate on what you have, no one can tell you that. It is a personal journey, yours. The only thing that I tell myself is that whatever I choose to do, I have to think what is less likely to leave me with regrets because you can't turn time back and you have to prepared to move along with the choices you make.

Brighton_belle

MountainBaby wrote: »

Actually I've never said money is fine on this thread, if you read my posts I've actually said I have debt, and that my life is good except for love and money. There's no way I'd afford private CBT. But I will read up the links I was given earlier in the thread.

:doh:So you did: apologies OP. BUt I did take on board everything else so haven't given you any advice on how to get a man:D

MountainBaby wrote: »

I guess I just wanted advice from anyone who has experience of accepting a situation they didn't necessarily choose to be in, and who had been able to be happy in spite of that situation. That's all.

Ah ha - well I can do that: devastating illness has goddamn wrecked my entire adult life so there are many many things in life I would have love to have done/do that I cannot so I have had to face 'accepting a situation I didn't choose to be in and find ways to be happy' every day and every year.
My expereince is that choosing to accept and choosing to be happy is is not a one off decision, it is multiple little decisions that need to be remade, sometimes daily, sometimes weekly etc.
And I have also learnt to recognise that the human condition is to experience happiness/sadness/ frustration and joy etc and it is impossible to feel happy all the time. So on an 'unhappy'day I just ignore myself and know tomorrow will more than likely be brighter and that is a normal cycle of life. And then at other times, I need to take note of a run of bad days and find ways to make life better again because I am perhaps bored of my usual ploys.

Just to add to the finding friends mix:4 of my best friends I have all met in my 40's. I don't know anyone I knew before I was 21 (except family). I agree it can be hard an my 30's were rather sparse of friends and I couldn't find anyone I really clicked with. I moved town and to a much more interesting place and that solve that problem. (not suggesting that for , as you do have friends you OP)

Wishing you well Mountain Babe and hope this year brings the solutions you seek.

tesuhoha

Mountain Baby what I find difficult to swallow from your posts is your bald statement that there is no man out there for you and men don't find you attractive full stop. This assumption of yours seems to have an element of anger in it because you have not found someone. It is the same thing that my attractive 25 year old daughter says because men do not ask her out.

Therefore, I think that if you are unattractive to men it is something that comes from inside of you. Have you tried asking your friend's opinions of why you do not attract the opposite sex. It will not have anything to do with looks because there are men and women of every level of looks who find partners. Just try looking round you at the local supermarket, you will see the ugliest of women who are happily with someone. I cannot see how you are different from everyone else.

I have told my daughter this too. If you have tried every way to meet men are you coming across as desperate for a man or are you coming across as cold and standoffish? There will be a reason. If you relax and enjoy life and stop thinking about attracting a partner then its the best thing you can do for yourself. As you do not want to change anything in your life at present then you already have that happiness so for goodness sake enjoy it.

euronorris

londonsurrey wrote: »

Tesuhoha is right about a level of obliviousness being possible. Years after we were married, my husband told me how exasperated he was when he initially tried to ask me out, and I was in all seriousness and considerateness informing him of how impractical and inefficient it was for him to come all the way to where I was to spend money on watching an unnamed film at the cinema.

This is another thing.

I didn't notice it in myself for a looong time, but I was subconsiously trying to put off guys for a long time, or finding fault with them (things that shouldn't have been dealbreakers!), because I was scared of getting hurt.

My self esteem had also been battered after my last relationship, so I was also convinced that I wasn't worthy of being loved by a good man. And I KNOW that resulted in me projecting 'stay away from me vibes' because some good male friends told me.

It's bl00dy hard work changing that about yourself, but once you do, you WILL start to notice the guys who are eyeing you up/trying to chat you up more. And you'll be happier within yourself, and smile more in general, and that attracts more people too.

It's amazing how miserable I can look when I'm not smiling. Not trying to look unhappy, or even feeling it, but I look bl00dy miserable when I am not smiling. So, smiling as much as possible helps to change people's perceptions of you too. (but, you know, a soft smile is good. No need for cheshire cat grins).

euronorris

January20 wrote: »

OMG! Have you ever tried to go out alone to a pub or a restaurant? If the OP feels awkward being the one on her own with a group of friends out for a pizza, do you really think she will feel better being alone in a pub or eating on her own in a restaurant? Really? These are all places where it is not "the normal thing" to go alone. Very few women will drink alone in a pub. Very few people will eat alone in a restaurant. And cinemas nowadays are often places full of groups of young people and/ or couples, so they can be so depressing! (I go to the cinema on my own so I know what I'm talking about).

To be fair, I think that depends on the individual in question. I have no problems doing any of the above, and do so fairly often (despite being in a relationship), because I like to have time just to myself. However, I have friends who would never, ever do this, because the idea is terrifying to them. And that's fair enough.

How patronising to tell the OP she is not enjoying her own company! Would anybody enjoy spending 2, 3 days without speaking to a soul?

Again, I would be happy with a few days to myself. But again, it depends on the person and situation. (for example, I don't often get time to myself, so I appreciate it so much more when I do. But if someone frequently finds themselves in that position, it's probably not so appealing.)

I think you do not understand what it is like when you live alone and all your friends are busy with their own things, their families, their activities with their partners and children, etc and no then it is not necessarily a person's choice to spend a lot of time alone, not seeing anybody.

I can appreciate that too, I've been in that situation, but what bothered me most (if I'm honest) was my own jealousy. I wanted what they had, but couldn't seem to find it, and well, that sucked. Plus, I got sick of the heads tilting to one side with an expression on their faces of sheer pity! I didn't need their pity, I just needed them to be my friends.

euronorris

MountainBaby wrote: »

Thanks Ayleth,

but you've missed another point I made! I don't want to change other aspects of my life. I don't want to travel. I've never wanted to travel. I love my job and I love my family, I don't want to go anywhere! I love being a dog owner and I don't find it restrictive. There seems to be this opinion that single people should be off travelling as we've 'got no ties' - it's not what I want to do!!!

I like my life as it is, I just either want someone to share it with or I want to stop wanting that and get on with enjoying it!

I'm not sure how you can change something, without changing something.

You want to change your emotional reaction to your current situation. Well, the best way to do that is to either change something about your current situation, or seek CBT.

I want to be clear that having counselling, or going for CBT, does not mean you are depressed. It means you are finding it hard to deal with something emotionally, like we all do, and need some help. None of us on here can do that, only a trained professional can. So I do feel that you've already been given the best advice possible.

ali-t

OP, CBT has been mentioned a lot throughout this thread and for me CBT is about changing your perspective on situations rather than always having to change the situation. So in your situation, if I have got the gist of what you have been saying is 'men don't find me attractive' and you could change this in your head using CBT.

Living life to the full is a free online CBT programme that I believe is endorsed by the NHS. It might be worth investing a bit of time working through it and you can see for free whether the CBT approach suits you http://www.llttf.com/