How to accept that life isn't how I want it to be?

Lotus-eater

MountainBaby wrote: »

I genuinely believe that men do not find me attractive as I don't know anyone else in my position, neither do my friends. everyone, by my age, has had relationships even if they haven't worked out.

I'm sorry, but no way do I believe that, I've seen some some right ugly munters, of both sexes (who have been really battered with the ugly stick) get married, or be with someone.

So no, no way. There is a difference between skin deep beauty and inner beauty, if you are a nice person inside, you will meet someone.

I don't know why you haven't had a relationship, to know that, I would have to know you well, but if you don't put yourself out there, you're never going to meet anyone, are you?
Common sense really.

Person_one

Lotus-eater wrote: »

I'm sorry, but no way do I believe that, I've seen some some right ugly munters, of both sexes (who have been really battered with the ugly stick) get married, or be with someone.

So no, no way. There is a difference between skin deep beauty and inner beauty, if you are a nice person inside, you will meet someone.

I don't know why you haven't had a relationship, to know that, I would have to know you well, but if you don't put yourself out there, you're never going to meet anyone, are you?
Common sense really.

You do realise that by your logic people who are never lucky enough to meet the right person are not 'nice inside'?

Lots of people are willing to settle, lots of people stay in relationships that others would leave after 6 months, lots of people have a series of shorter relationships or divorce and never remarry. Lots of people are lucky, lots are unlucky.

Its not as simple as you're claiming.

MountainBaby

Lotus-eater wrote: »

I'm sorry, but no way do I believe that, I've seen some some right ugly munters, of both sexes (who have been really battered with the ugly stick) get married, or be with someone.

I see them too.

So no, no way. There is a difference between skin deep beauty and inner beauty, if you are a nice person inside, you will meet someone.

Is that a promise? Because you don't want to know how many times I have heard that. Or maybe you're saying that because I haven't met anyone, I must not be a 'nice' person.

This kind of illustrates why I'm struggling to make myself clear I think.
Because my situation is unusual and you don't know anyone else like me, you can't accept it actually happens. There must be something 'wrong' with me.

I don't know why you haven't had a relationship, to know that, I would have to know you well, but if you don't put yourself out there, you're never going to meet anyone, are you?
Common sense really.

But you're not getting it - I DO go out, I DO meet people. I go out every night Mon - Fri and I accept every invitation I get at weekends. Some weekends I don't get invited out and can spend a weekend alone when my friends and family are busy with other things. Then I do things I am comfortable doing alone, like shopping centres, dog walking, running, Supermarkets etc. But mostly, I go out. I thought this weekend was going to be a quiet one but it hasn't been in the end.

I've obviously not been getting the message right in my posts.

Person_one

MountainBaby wrote: »

I've obviously not been getting the message right in my posts.

Don't worry, I think that for some people who've found partners easily its hard to understand that its not as simple for everybody else. You get it with everything, from 'I lost weight so why can't you?' to 'I found a job this year so why couldn't 2.7 million other people?'

There are always a few who just seem to lack empathy or the desire to try and see things from another perspective.

Emmzi

MountainBaby wrote: »

I've obviously not been getting the message right in my posts.

You are, MB. It is just that some people think it is impossible to be single and clearly it's a lack of effort. There are, however, many valid views of the world and many valid experiences. We just haven;t all lived all of them.

One of my good friends is very similar to you, and is the loveliest woman you could meet. She just doesn't meet the kind of guys she clicks with, none of us can work out why, but there you go.

I know she would love to be settled etc - but has found a peace with herself, and is happier not to be thinking about what she perceives as missing all the time, but able to focus on the positives in her life. It's taken a while though.

Good luck to you MB. I hope you find some peace and acceptance in your life.

MountainBaby

Thank you, Person_one and Emmzi, I do appreciate your genuine understanding and support.

Anyway, it's midnight and I feel like I'm going round in circles here, so I'm going to call it a day.

Thank you for your input, it's been interesting to see peoples reactions and perceptions of my situation.

Thank you for the useful info which I will follow up another day.

Thank you for the sensible discussion. Having seen how some threads on this forum can disintergrate I'm glad that didn't happen here.

Lotus-eater

MountainBaby wrote: »

Because my situation is unusual and you don't know anyone else like me, you can't accept it actually happens. There must be something 'wrong' with me.


But you're not getting it - I DO go out, I DO meet people. I go out every night Mon - Fri and I accept every invitation I get at weekends. Some weekends I don't get invited out and can spend a weekend alone when my friends and family are busy with other things. But mostly, I go out. I thought this weekend was going to be a quiet one but it hasn't been in the end.

I've obviously not been getting the message right in my posts.

I do know people like you. What makes you think I don't, being single is hardly rare.

I'm not saying you don't put yourself out there now, I'm saying if you cut it off in the future, then the likelihood of you meeting someone is lowered considerably.

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with you at all! I'm saying it only takes one moment for your life to change, one moment which may be a turning point, you may have to go out on a limb for a short time for it to happen, you may have to take a chance.

If you don't do that, if you don't keep yourself open to chances, then it may not happen.

Me meeting my wife was the chanciest moment I've ever had, if I had never asked her out, if I stuck to what I thought, that she was way too good for me, I would never have seen her again, that's the honest truth.

So yes, it may have never happened to me, I may be sitting here commiserating with you that we are the same.

Those chances don't come along every day, or even year and you might not even know they were there.
Give in and don't take those chances, well you're basically giving in, as you want to do. Which I have been trying to explain is a bad thing.

No one has to be with someone else, if you want to be single, then do so, if you want to be with someone, then don't give in. When you are on your deathbed, you're not going to be bitter if you can say, well I tried my best and it didn't work. But you might be bitter if you say, I could have done more.

That's all I'm going to say now about this.

yonk

MountainBaby wrote: »

I genuinely believe that men do not find me attractive as I don't know anyone else in my position, neither do my friends. everyone, by my age, has had relationships even if they haven't worked out.
Even those on here who are happily single have had relationships in the past so their situations are not the same as mine (although I appreciate you!!)

I do, I said about 7 pages back, my bf is single, never had a gf and is truly the nicest guy. If I wasn't married...:o

alyth

Lotus-eater wrote: »

I do know people like you. What makes you think I don't, being single is hardly rare.

I'm not saying you don't put yourself out there now, I'm saying if you cut it off in the future, then the likelihood of you meeting someone is lowered considerably.

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with you at all! I'm saying it only takes one moment for your life to change, one moment which may be a turning point, you may have to go out on a limb for a short time for it to happen, you may have to take a chance.

If you don't do that, if you don't keep yourself open to chances, then it may not happen.

Me meeting my wife was the chanciest moment I've ever had, if I had never asked her out, if I stuck to what I thought, that she was way too good for me, I would never have seen her again, that's the honest truth.

So yes, it may have never happened to me, I may be sitting here commiserating with you that we are the same.

Those chances don't come along every day, or even year and you might not even know they were there.
Give in and don't take those chances, well you're basically giving in, as you want to do. Which I have been trying to explain is a bad thing.

No one has to be with someone else, if you want to be single, then do so, if you want to be with someone, then don't give in. When you are on your deathbed, you're not going to be bitter if you can say, well I tried my best and it didn't work. But you might be bitter if you say, I could have done more.

That's all I'm going to say now about this.

I have highlighted the part I think is most important in this post - and I go back to my mouse man as he's been christened. A chance email, a chance invitation to my cottage at 2am having had two much wine and feeling lonely, and I feel like I have found the other part of myself. You have to open yourself up. I have read through the whole of this thread tonight, and I do understand now what you are saying, I never ever thought there would ever be someone in my life, I had a definite life plan that I have worked towards for 2.5 years, now that plan is out of the window.

For sure it may all go haywire or wrong, but I took a gamble and it worked - I think anyway!

Catslovelycats

Person_one wrote: »

Walk a mile in the shoes of a single 40 something woman and you'd soon realise how strange people find it.

Heck I'm not even 30 yet and lots of people seem to have a hard enough time knowing how to behave around me, as if I'm from a different species!

Don't agree. Noone treats me like I'm strange for being single! :cool:
Mountainbaby, there is no magic answer anyone cam give you.
You just have to make the decision about how you'll choose to think about your sutuation. And then discipline yourself to think that way, whether you decide to go all out looking for a guy this year or just accept your current singleness and making the most of it.