How to accept that life isn't how I want it to be?

Kimitatsu

MountainBaby wrote: »

Thanks Ayleth,

but you've missed another point I made! I don't want to change other aspects of my life. I don't want to travel. I've never wanted to travel. I love my job and I love my family, I don't want to go anywhere! I love being a dog owner and I don't find it restrictive. There seems to be this opinion that single people should be off travelling as we've 'got no ties' - it's not what I want to do!!!

I like my life as it is, I just either want someone to share it with or I want to stop wanting that and get on with enjoying it!

Hi MB

I havent read all of the thread so apologise if I have missed some bits out I dont think you are depressed or need counselling or CBT or anything that radical.

I think that 95% of the population need to understand that there is no happy ending without a lot of work (no matter what the chick flicks say!) that if you are waiting to be saved then you will be waiting forever because the opposite sex likes that you can save yourself when you need to.

I dont think you like your life much because you feel there is something "missing" - there isnt, this is life and you are looking for something that doesnt exist, the perfect anything is a myth made up by advertising executives to make us buy products to make ourselves be more attractive/feel better/ feel superior.

I can understand your feeling of being the odd one out - and I am married! My husband works away a lot of the time, and when he is home wants to do just that, stay at home (and because he can be a grumpy anti social git!) so I have lots of friends who are single or in similar situations and we go out en masse. Some of them I have met through children (trust me conversation isnt scinitillating somedays there either) others through hobbies, some through friends of friends. If there was a 241 offer I would ask someone else if they could invite someone even if it was just to make up numbers

The thing that struck me about your clubs is they all have a sporty nature (not a criticism) but you are all there to do something and then go home, it doesnt always give you the opportunity to meet people outside that arena. What about joining a book club? Local bookshops often do them, gives you a chance to meet new people with no pressure that you wouldnt normally meet outside of your normal circle of friends, its a whole big wide world out there and as a dog owner I can understand its difficult to travel, but I know I find out things every week near the city I live - amazes me I never realised they were there!

I dont think its about drawing a line because if you draw the line you are not open to the opportunity if it presents itself, I think its about taking yourself out of your current circle of friends and family, and just have fun.

MountainBaby

Lotus-eater wrote: »

I do know people like you. What makes you think I don't, being single is hardly rare.

I know, being single isn't rare but being single without ever having a relationship is more unusual. At least, in my circle of acquaintances it is!

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

Did you respond to that question I asked right at the beginning; have you asked any of your male friends why they think men don't find you attractive or why they think you don't get dates?

No, sorry I forgot!
I don’t have any male friends I’d be comfortable asking that question. My male friends tend to be mates husbands, and the few other guys I know I’m not particularly close to for such a personal discussion. I have one closer male friend, but he lives further away and our contact has only been by email for the last few years. We had a few attempts to meet up but failed due to last minute illness and changes of work plans. I could possibly ask him, but he won’t know things like body language etc having not seen me for so long. I’m due to mail him this week so I’ll have a think on it, but really there’s no one else I can ask.

Kimitatsu wrote: »

The thing that struck me about your clubs is they all have a sporty nature (not a criticism) but you are all there to do something and then go home, it doesnt always give you the opportunity to meet people outside that arena.

Actually, we all do our sport and then go to the pub! :beer:

And I've not long been on a weekend away with one club
(but I take your point)


Guys, the last page or so of this thread are exactly the kind of comments I came here for. Thank you!

Sambucus Nigra, burnoutbabe, euronorris, FBaby, Brighton belle, Kimitatsu, Your posts are all brilliant and really have given me a lot to ponder on. Those of you who have shared experiences with me, thank you, I appreciate it and it does help to see things based on different circumstances and then apply the same thinking to myself.

Ali-t that link could be just what I’m looking for, thank you. I also thought of possibly some life coaching, I know the council runs a course because a friend of mine did it ages ago, (why didn’t I think of that before?) and there’s something else which has been suggested to me by PM which I will investigate. And that’s in addition to the first 8 pages of comments!

ali-t

MountainBaby wrote: »

Ali-t that link could be just what I’m looking for, thank you.

I am thinking of doing it myself as well to get to the bottom of the !!!! off vibes I apparently give off to men

yonk

Life coaching is good and there's the ACT, as well as the CBT. CBT changed my life.

http://www.get.gg/act.htm

I've now thought about it and I'm up to 4 people in my life who are single without having ever had a relationship. One got bored of it, joined a dating site, married the 1st girl he met and had 2 kids straightaway, was a bit of a shock to his parents!

MrsManda

Hello,
I haven't read the thread, just the OP so apologises if I'm repeating what others have said but I wanted to reply.
I've got a number of friends who are in the same/similar position as yourself in their late 30s/early 40s and it is possible to find love at this time of your life.

What seems to have been the 'problem' with my friends is that whereas in their 20s they generally tried lots of things and met new people, they've now settled into the same routines, socialising with the same friends they've had for years and rarely meeting anyone new.

The way around this has been to take up hobbies and find new things to enjoy. This shouldn't be seen as an exercise in finding a romantic relationship, I've always been told that you cannot look for love, it finds you.

However it's a way of developing new interests and meeting new people who share the same interests. Once you find something you enjoy and relax you may begin to feel much happier in yourself and making friends will become easier and you may find friendships develop into something else.

BugglyB

Hi Mountainbaby. One thing that I have found helps me gain perspective and acceptance is reading a lot, fiction, non fiction, blogs, forums, anything really. I find it helps me to gain a wide experience of other peoples perspectives and ways of coping with things. I hope you find some peace x

skattykatty

This has been a really fascinating discussion! To me, the following is the crux of the matter:

'I just need to get past the emotional block of letting go of what i can't seem to have.'

So, as others have said it is the 'emotional' and existential quality of the OPs original post that needs addressing and I would agree on approaching someone for some sort of counselling, therapy or life coaching. As has been said, you don't have to have some 'label' to approach anyone to really LISTEN and ACCEPT what you have to say and maybe, in being in a therapeutic relationship, you will actually learn a lot about yourself that you may not have been aware of in the past.

I am the same age as you and and struggling to 'accept' what looks inevitable: infertility. It feels impossible to accept some days and, somehow, natural to accept on others. What has become clear to me is how much energy has gone into what ISN'T and I wonder how much energy has been diverted from what IS. And I wonder if that is something that rings true for you? Though, I have to say, you say amazingly energetic and fun to me!

I know that therapy seems really expensive, but I wonder what is the price of emotional equilibrium or a strong(er) inner core? Emotional health is so important for our quality of life. All the best for a fulfilling year ahead.

an9i77

OP i read this thread with interest. A few years ago I was in a very similar situation to yourself. I'm not in that situation now, but I know you don't really want to hear about 'happy endings' so I won't talk about me-now, I'll talk about me-then. I had been single for a very long time, but unlike you I had had one relationship, about seven years before, and a few short term flings since then but nothing substantial. I was in my early 30s. I had given up on the chances of meeting a man, certainly during my 'fertile years' as it never seemed to happen and my flings were with men who wouldn't make the grade marriage wise anyway. I was so fed up of always being the odd one out, I really related to your pizza restaurant story. (The thing that used to p1ss me off the most though was dinner parties, I had a number of coupled up friends who would ONLY invite other couples to dinner! )

One thing that really helped me was making friends with other singles (great until they find a fella, so you need to be friends with quite a few). I realised one day that it wasn't being single that bothered me quite so much as the fact that everyone else is coupled up!

Maybe you're not as bad as me in this respect, but I really did get quite down about the whole situation. Yes, society does expect people but particularly women, to couple up and if it's just not happening it can be difficult to not feel like a weirdo. It's only natural to want to be the same as others, or want what they have.

Have you read the book 'Singled Out' by Virginia Nicholson? Its an account of women in the post WW1 era who found themselves single due to the large number of men killed in the war. By all accounts it was even harder then than today! Anyway it gave me some comfort to read about these women some of whom managed to acheive a lot given the standards of the day and their single status (or spinsterhood as it was known as then).

You're asking quite a difficult question on this forum - how to accept something that you really don't accept and is making you unhappy. It does sound a little like you are really down about what's happened in your life, even if you're not depressed, it sounds like it is threatening your happiness at the moment. No one on here can really tell you how to accept something that you wish wasn't so. People can say 'count your blessings' or 'get out more' or whatever, but if you really feel upset/angry/sad at the fact that you don't have a partner in your life, then I don't think any advice will stop you feeling this way. The negative feelings will just keep pushing through. In my single days, I know I would feel a jolt of envy everytime I heard of someone getting a new man/engaged/married/pregnant/ whatever, as no matter how much i tried to enjoy my life, I fundamentally was not happy with it because a) I wanted to be in a relationship but wasn't and b (this may not apply to you) I felt that there must be something different about me that made me struggle in this area of life where so many other people did not - ie, I took it all a bit personally.

You may want to try, as others have suggested, some kind of therapy or counselling to help you accept your feelings. I don't really know what else you can do to try and gain some sense of control over a life that has not gone your way (in the relationships area).

I ended up having some therapy for another issue altogether (coping with a chronic physical illness) but found that it unblocked a lot of stuff mentally for me, and - well I'll never know if this is related or not - but I got my happy ending a little while later.

Anyway the best of luck to you - I hope you find some way to be at peace with where you are in your life.