How to accept that life isn't how I want it to be?

MountainBaby

Person_one wrote: »

I think it can be really easy to make more casual friends, or friendly acquaintances as adults but harder to develop the deep close friendships you make as a child, teenager, or young adult.

This is my experience too

Person_one wrote: »

My closest friends are still all people I met before I was 21.

Snap!

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

From what I can see, people have tried to give you ideas, how do they know that you have tried every possible thing that is imaginable in order to find a mate?

Because I said so in my very first post...

Anyway, I don't want to get into arguements here. As I said, I'm going to read back through and pick out the helpful bits, read the info I've been advised to read and see what I can make of it all.

Thank you everyone for your time and thought.

Oldernotwiser

MountainBaby wrote: »

I’ve said all the way through this thread I like my life, I’m not looking to make massive changes to it,

But being in a relationship would mean massive changes! (And that isn't meant to be patronising.)

Person_one

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

But being in a relationship would mean massive changes! (And that isn't meant to be patronising.)

I think you're missing the point slightly. Yes a partner would mean changes but she didn't start the thread to ask how to find a partner, she asked how to adjust mentally to not having one.

Oldernotwiser

Person_one wrote: »

I think you're missing the point slightly. Yes a partner would mean changes but she didn't start the thread to ask how to find a partner, she asked how to adjust mentally to not having one.

I totally appreciate that however, the OP would obviously like a relationship if that were to happen but keeps saying that she doesn't want big changes in her life, which seems contradictory to me. I think it's good to be clear sighted about that kind of statement, even if it is a bit OT.

I think that most of us who are in difficult situations have to live by the proverb "What can't be cured must be endured".

Derivative

If you don't want a man in your life, then there is nothing to accept.
If you do want a man in your life, then surely accepting defeat isn't the right way to go.

Doesn't seem like rocket science.

I have a partner and we are very much in love, but I cannot for the life of me understand the mindset that being single is somehow strange.

Person_one

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I totally appreciate that however, the OP would obviously like a relationship if that were to happen but keeps saying that she doesn't want big changes in her life, which seems contradictory to me. I think it's good to be clear sighted about that kind of statement, even if it is a bit OT.

I think that most of us who are in difficult situations have to live by the proverb "What can't be cured must be endured".

I read it that she understands that a relationship would mean changes but she's not willing to make the changes without the relationship, does that make sense?

Person_one

EdgEy wrote: »

If you don't want a man in your life, then there is nothing to accept.
If you do want a man in your life, then surely accepting defeat isn't the right way to go.

Doesn't seem like rocket science.

I have a partner and we are very much in love, but I cannot for the life of me understand the mindset that being single is somehow strange.

Walk a mile in the shoes of a single 40 something woman and you'd soon realise how strange people find it.

Heck I'm not even 30 yet and lots of people seem to have a hard enough time knowing how to behave around me, as if I'm from a different species!

MountainBaby

OK I will try and clarify one last time.

Yes, clearly I would love a relationship.
I understand that if that were to happen, it would mean making changes to my life. That's fine, I am very open to that.

However, having had no male interest in me for my whole life whatsoever (except once at age 19 and some married sleezebag looking for a shag last year) I don't believe that will ever happen.
I have tried, over the last 20+ years, every single thing suggested on this thread with regards to meeting people, plus some others not yet suggested here. (haven't tried CBT, will read the links)
I genuinely believe that men do not find me attractive as I don't know anyone else in my position, neither do my friends. everyone, by my age, has had relationships even if they haven't worked out.
Even those on here who are happily single have had relationships in the past so their situations are not the same as mine (although I appreciate you!!)

Nobody is going to persuade me that there is a man out there for me because I don't believe there is, and my belief is based on 20+ years of being told Mr Right is there when he clearly isn't.

So, given that I don't believe I will ever meet a man and am happy with the rest of my life how it is, I don't feel I need to make big changes. I could follow all the advice in this thread, make huge changes, still be single and then hate my life!

If I man comes along, trust me I'll be making changes all right, but until then, I don't want to risk the good things that I have got.

My problem is, mentally and emotionally accepting all of the above and being happy with it.


I'm honestly not trying to be difficult or obstructive, I apologise if that's how I'm coming across.

January20

Perfectly clear MountainBaby

Oldernotwiser

It is perfectly clear but, apart from the suggestion of counselling (or perhaps hypnotherapy), I don't really see how anybody can help you accept things, or even why you feel the need to. Isn't it just a question of going on and living your life?