How to accept that life isn't how I want it to be?

MountainBaby

January20 wrote: »

OMG! Have you ever tried to go out alone to a pub or a restaurant? If the OP feels awkward being the one on her own with a group of friends out for a pizza, do you really think she will feel better being alone in a pub or eating on her own in a restaurant? Really? These are all places where it is not "the normal thing" to go alone. Very few women will drink alone in a pub. Very few people will eat alone in a restaurant. And cinemas nowadays are often places full of groups of young people and/ or couples, so they can be so depressing! (I go to the cinema on my own so I know what I'm talking about).

How patronising to tell the OP she is not enjoying her own company! Would anybody enjoy spending 2, 3 days without speaking to a soul?

I think you do not understand what it is like when you live alone and all your friends are busy with their own things, their families, their activities with their partners and children, etc and no then it is not necessarily a person's choice to spend a lot of time alone, not seeing anybody.

January 20 Thank you, I appreciate your understanding.

Oldernotwiser are you male?

Those who suggest it, have you ever tried going to a restaurant alone? Cinema? Pub? You are surrounded by people in groups and couples!!!! It's not considered 'normal' for a lone female to do these things. I actually feel quite vulnerable if I go out alone at night (yes I have tried it, told you in my first post I've tried pretty much everything.). Besides, I wouldn't walk alone around the streets where I live after dark. It's not a great area, so what do I do? Drive to a pub and sit there alone with a diet coke? And people tell me I mustn't look desperate? I have tried doing things alone. It's not good for morale. Don't forget also, if something happens and I don't make it home I wouldn't be missed until I didn't turn up for work, which could be a few days at the weekend... I take my personal safety seriously.

I've lived alone for 16 years and yes, the novelty wears off. My family are supportive but they have their own lives and young families, I can't expect them to be available to socialise with me as and when. My friends also have families and live busy lives.

No, I don't want a lodger. I don't want someone in my house, using my things and bringing boyfriends home... and besides, my spare room is a 6 foot box room.

If I weren't feeling rough I'd have been out with family tonight, however I've chosen to keep my germs to myself as my elderly grandmother is ill and my Mum is her primary carer and can't afford to get ill herself right now.

Shebrett if I were interested in a one night stand or sex just for the sake of it I wouldn't have waited until now I'd have done it a long time ago. Actually I can't think of anything more depressing than sleeping with any old bloke just for the sex. I know it works for some people and that's their own business, but that's not how I want it to be. For me, sex should be part of a loving replationship and if that makes me old fashioned then so be it. I would lose any self repect if I didn't stick by my principles.

I don't need CBT or counselling. I'm not depressed or massively unhappy most of the time. Sure, I get a bit down now and then, who doesn't? And it's always worse this time of year, Christmas, New Year, Valentines day.... anyway, I wouldn't get referred round here, there's too much demand. My best mate suffered badly with PND and she was told there was an 18 month waiting list for CBT

It's been an interesting discussion. Some people simply can't understand what I mean and think it's as simple as joining a new evening class or going out for a drink with mates. I'll bet those people have never had a problem meeting and attracting men/women.

Some people just want to make me feel better with happy ending stories of themselves or people they know. I appreciate the effort but it doesn't work, it makes me feel even more 'abnormal'.

A few people though have got a genuine understanding and really do 'get' where I'm coming from - thank you.

I think it's one of those things you can never understand if you've never experienced it.... imagine, getting to 41 without ever having a single relationship ever, knowing that the opposite sex 'en mass' are not interested... you cannot know how that feels unless you experience it. Same as you can't understand most emotional situations if you haven't experienced them.

Anyway, there's a lot in this thread to read back over and some bits will be helpful.

I read some bloke's online dating profile today and one thing he said struck a chord. He said, "if you're waiting for love, you should be loving the wait". I think that will be my new mantra for when I'm feeling down.

alyth

I'm just having a quick scan through this thread, having posted very late the other night waiting for my "mouse man" to come and rescue me - which he did - 24 hours later he left and we're having supper together tomorrow night.

One thing that has jumped out at me - and I think some of the points on this thread are so helpful and useful, that even though I wouldn't yet class myself in a relationship, it's sort of crept up and been thrust on me - in a nice way!

It's what 11.30 on new year's eve and I'm sitting at the pc with a bottle of champagne on my own with my dog - and I am very happy and comfortable doing that. I've had various invitations out, but I adore and love my own company. It's the old adage that you have to love yourself before you can be loved by anyone else.

And I absolutely agree with the posters that say that it's not possible is perhaps too strong a word, but as a single woman you are made to feel awkward and strange if you went to a pub or restaurant on your own - however, I've done this when I lived on London many a time. I tried it in Scotland once after a nightclass whilst waiting for the bus home - large glass of wine, in a pub in the middle of the week, book out, dear god, I don't know what signals prostitutes give out but I certainly felt like one - could have made a packet that night!

Seriously thought, if it's going to happen then it will - to the OP. I noticed that you have a dog and a mortgage - I have a dog who is the most important thing in my life, I will call the kennels when I go to China to make sure she is okay - but even I recognise that my dog isn't going to be here one day, and have used her in the past to stop going out to things. She's a dog - she has love and attention and you OP on the other hand have a life to lead - again you are the same age as me, I hope you are doing something nice this evening, I'm at home by choice, jammies/dog/PC/music, and I really do reiterate and I know other have, do what you want to do and take little baby steps to achieving just some of the things you're capable of.

MountainBaby

Thanks Ayleth,

but you've missed another point I made! I don't want to change other aspects of my life. I don't want to travel. I've never wanted to travel. I love my job and I love my family, I don't want to go anywhere! I love being a dog owner and I don't find it restrictive. There seems to be this opinion that single people should be off travelling as we've 'got no ties' - it's not what I want to do!!!

I like my life as it is, I just either want someone to share it with or I want to stop wanting that and get on with enjoying it!

January20

Person One and MountainBaby, you have understood exactly what I was trying to say. It was particularly important to me that you, MB, didn't misunderstand my post!

Person One, my life choices are pretty much the same as yours, except I think I'm probably about 20 years older than you and I've done the LTR and the marriage thing. I'm happy on my own, I enjoy my own company, but there are things I wouldn't do on my own, and sometimes I wish I could just hire a guy for the afternoon or the evening, just so I'm not -yet again- the only single person at such or such party!

alyth

MountainBaby wrote: »

Thanks Ayleth,

but you've missed another point I made! I don't want to change other aspects of my life. I don't want to travel. I've never wanted to travel. I love my job and I love my family, I don't want to go anywhere! I love being a dog owner and I don't find it restrictive. There seems to be this opinion that single people should be off travelling as we've 'got no ties' - it's not what I want to do!!!

I like my life as it is, I just either want someone to share it with or I want to stop wanting that and get on with enjoying it!

Apologies I posted on your thread in haste with a personal story of mine and had only very briefly scanned through the rest of the posts.

Only you can decide whether you want to share your life with someone - I spent 15 years with someone and had made a decision, a very strong one, never to share my life with anyone again. However this person has appeared, as much as I am fighting it, I actually do want to spend time with him - who knows what the future will bring, a tractor could come crashing through my cottage any time (live in a very rural place - not the knocked down by a bus scenario for me!). So if that is the crux of your post, then no one on here can make that decision for you. You can dip your toe into the dating world, you can go out and make yourself focal with your friends and family, we on this site can only share our personal experiences with you.

I adore my life, I am doing exactly what I want to do, study, travel, dog, etc. So in that aspect I am the same as you. But you can open the door and let people into your life or choose to remain with the life that you have....

January20

alyth wrote: »

But you can open the door and let people into your life or choose to remain with the life that you have....

This, alyth, is very true but I think for MountainBaby it's not that she doesn't open the door to let people in, it's that she finds that men are not that attracted to her, won't ask her on a second date, etc. (correct me if I'm wrong MB) so it's been pretty much out of her hands I think.

January20

Happy New Year by the way!

alyth

January20 wrote: »

This, alyth, is very true but I think for MountainBaby it's not that she doesn't open the door to let people in, it's that she finds that men are not that attracted to her, won't ask her on a second date, etc. (correct me if I'm wrong MB) so it's been pretty much out of her hands I think.

Again apologies for not reading the thread properly - happy new year to you too!

MountainBaby

January20 wrote: »

This, alyth, is very true but I think for MountainBaby it's not that she doesn't open the door to let people in, it's that she finds that men are not that attracted to her, won't ask her on a second date, etc. (correct me if I'm wrong MB) so it's been pretty much out of her hands I think.

I don't get first dates, let alone seconds!

My door is open, no one is interested and never has been. That was supposed to be the whole point of the thread. I'm looking for advice with moving on without someone, rather than dating advice which I've had before from various sources and have tried to implement with no success.

January20

MountainBaby wrote: »

I don't get first dates, let alone seconds!

My door is open, no one is interested and never has been. That was supposed to be the whole point of the thread. I'm looking for advice with moving on without someone, rather than dating advice which I've had before from various sources and have tried to implement with no success.

And I am no help, sorry, because of my life choices. I chose to turn my back on relationships although there weren't men battering the door down to get to me in the first place. I could only tell you to live your life to the full, with no expectations of a relationship, but I don't know how to help you cope with the fact you want a relationship and all that it brings but fear (expect) you will not get one. I can offer my understanding of some parts of your life but I'm very sorry I don't know how to help you more...