How to accept that life isn't how I want it to be?

Brighton_belle

OP, I think maybe doing something really radical that you perhaps couldn't have done if in a relationship/young children etc, could be a great idea.
Like go and volunteer abroad for something for 6 months that really makes your heart zing. Only you know what that might be. Look up the 1001 things website, where people have committed to achieving 101 radical things they have longed to do in the next 1001 days - lots of inspiration there:
www.dayzeroproject.com

Or explore new ways of living, like minimalism - lots of interesting and life enhancing blogs on this out there.

Emmzi

I think it's more, people don't need to get together for finances or stay together for kids, so there's more single by choice, IYSWIM? As everyone can afford not to "settle." My mothers generation often married for reasons that had nothing to do with love.

I'm not "fussy" but I'd never cope with a slippers by the fire kind of guy which is not what I start out with, but is what I end up with within 6 months every time. I always get the ones that want "looking after" and frankly if that was what I wanted, I'd have had a baby. So, no point!

Bogof_Babe

Also the something like 50% divorce rate nowadays means most people have seen several marriages or 'living together relationships' of personal friends and family collapse, which could make them think what's the point.

Being in a committed relationship demands give-and-take, and some people find this too much of an obstacle. It's a cliche but the older you get, the more set in your ways you become. You build up your own little comfort bubble, and feel threatened at the idea of anyone else impinging on it.

I'd say by the time you reach your 40s, you need to be absolutely sure that you could handle sharing your life with someone you haven't even met yet, with all their (inevitable) baggage and foibles.

MrsE_2

MountainBaby wrote: »

I'm looking for advice on moving on and being happy with the good things in life when something I want very badly is missing and is never going to happen..

If thats what you want (& to be honest its what most of us want) then I don't think you should move on & forget about it.

You are still quite young, I'm 44 & recently (May) had my second marriage break up. I would hate to think I wouldn't find love again.

londonsurrey

I was widowed very suddenly and violently in my 30s. Overnight, I went from married woman with a circle of family and friends to single and alone, watching the rats jump from the sinking ship.

I met someone else later, unexpectedly, whilst selling off items from one of my hobbies. It was a sad task itself, as I am trying to empty my house of things that my late husband and I had accumulated together over nearly two decades together. But it makes sense as the buyer and I had at least one common interest! What I mean to say is after months and months of extreme shock, depression and loneliness, it was when I didn't need anyone and was perfectly happy doing my own thing and getting on with stuff when someone came along.

Anyhow, what I mean to say is whilst it can be nice to have a partner, it's not everything. Concentrate on yourself. Ironically, it's when you're self sufficient and don't need them that men and friends are the most interested (As my best friend says, "the b*gg*rs are contrary like that").

Old friends who stick by you are great. But you don't want to attract the people who are drawn by need anyhow - they are somewhat unhealthy in themselves. And even when you get someone, they're not always there. It's what you carry with you, in you, that ultimately counts. Society is unkind to little girls, telling them tales of princes coming along, holding out the desirability of a big wedding, the undesirability of single status for females, etc. It really doesn't help. How many fairy tales do we hear of strong single women, and how many of witches? It's innocuous, but it's so entrenched.

KiKi

tesuhoha wrote: »

Re your first paragraph, my daughter says that about herself. I almost thought it was her posting although sometimes she actually says she is fat and ugly but she is stunning to look at (a bit like the actress who played Estella in the recent Great Expectations). Yet she has this same problem with men. My husband thinks its because she comes across as cold and uninterested and puts men off. I just don't know.

Um....okay...?!

I don't think I'm fat and ugly at all, FTR! I'm just not pretty or someone who would turn heads. I can say - absolutely hand on heart - that I have never, ever had a guy look at me twice or pay attention to me in that way. It's not because I'm ignorant of it - far from it. I just don't attract men in that way. So I can sympathise with your daughter.

When I lived in Aus I used to work at an event one evening a week. Two of the men who worked at the event barely spoke to me - until one evening I made friends with another British girl who was travelling, and they came straight over and wanted to chat with her...!! I didn't get it! She wasn't what I would call pretty, they didn't know her (so it wasn't her personality) - but she had long blonde hair and was skinny. I went home utterly crushed that evening. Not because I wanted the attention; I didn't. But being reminded how shallow some men can be because she was obviously very attractive and I wasn't really bothered me!

KiKi

6166lesley

Mountain baby - I posted similr in October about turning 40 and still being single, so please dont think you are alone in your plight! I also lost my job last wednesday, so added pressure of mortgage etc at the moment, but after having a few black days have decided to go out of my comfort zone and enrolled for a course at college (its a 1 weeks intensive course) so that I can get out and meet people and possibly have some money coming in - But thanks to Alyth - might just try Oasis myself!!

MountainBaby

Thank you for all the replies.

This have proved to be an interesting discussion so thank you for that. Some suggestions have really made me think, some however are a bit off course for me. I have a dog and a mortgage so travelling and spending months abroad is not an option and to be honest, it doesn't really float my boat anyway. Other than love and money my life is good and I don't feel the need to make changes there. I liked the example of learning to drive and yes I probably would give up if I'd been trying and failing with that for 20 years, this feels the same.

Having children by myself is not a financial option and really it's not something I'd choose to do alone.

By clubs I meant sports. Running club, badminton club etc. Not nightclubs. Haven't been in one of those since my mid twenties and didn't enjoy them then!

Lotus Eater I do see what you mean about not drawing a line, but for me as an individual it feels like I need to in order to move away from the emotional feelings of disappointment and failure.

I also do know that people of all ages get married, two of my grandparents re-married in their 70's. Be honest though, it's not an everyday event, in fact I don't know anyone else whose grandparents have married at that age.

I'm definitely not a lesbian. Maybe I'd have more luck if I were!

Londonsurrey is right, society bings us up to expect that we will get married and have families. The princess gets her prince in the fairy tales, 90% of 'chick flicks' have happy endings*, food shopping for one means buying a big freezer because you can't buy just one of anything (or if you can it's twice the price!).... modern life is designed for people to be in twos.... just look at TV advertising! No one ever tells little girls that they might not meet their knight in shining armour and they might never meet someone special. It's just expected that you will.

I've been out for a meal tonight. Just pizza, nothing special. But once again, I was the one sat at the end of the table with no one opposite, I made us 'odd numbers', I had no one to take advantage of the two-for-one deal with.... do you see how even just going out for pizza is a constant reminder? And now that I am home I am alone, and I probably won't speak to another soul until tomorrow night if I go to my brothers for NYE (I've got a cold and am feeling rubbish so might not go). If I don't go then I potentially won't see or speak to anyone until I go back to work on Tuesday. Unless I go to Sainsburys where the checkout person might speak to me. And I don't mean to sound like I feel sorry for myself because I don't, but I'm trying to explain why it's on my mind so much and why I need to 'get over it' and move forwards somehow. Everything in life is a constant reminder of my situation and I'm sure it doesn't bother other people like it bothers me, but that's why I need to find a way to put it all to rest once and for all.

* I made this statistic up. It has no factual base and may well be totally incorrect.

ska_lover

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Actually, I believe most people meet their partners at work.

Agreed. Thats how I met my OH

op, I agree with some peoples train of thought on this, that it might be better for your peace of mind to not focus on what you do not have-I have some experience in this area.

Whilst I wouldn't accept it, I would come to terms with it and try and focus on yourself, being single and enjoying life, doing what YOU want to do, when you want to do it. Don't focus on the negatives. If it will be, it will be. You know they say you meet mr right when you aren't looking and that is very true. Men love confident women, confident in themselves and don't appear in need of a boyfriend.

Before I met my OH, I had been single for 8 years. Wasn't looking for love. The man of your dreams could be right under your nose.

KiKi

MountainBaby wrote: »

* I made this statistic up. It has no factual base and may well be totally incorrect.

Don't worry; 97% of statistics are made up.

If you lived in Brighton I'd go to the gym with you on New Year's Day!

KiKi