How to accept that life isn't how I want it to be?

JulieGeorgiana

Emmzi wrote: »

I don't think she means night clubs

choirs, book clubs, film clubs, dining clubs, car clubs.. all interesting places!

Never thought of those... I thought they were an american thing

Gap in my education :cool:

Can you find men in those kind of clubs though??? I suppose so...!

Emmzi

you can. but it doesn't matter if you don't. because you're doing an interesting thing for its own sake!

NOTHING is scarier than a woman relentlessly stalking her prey

bacardi66

I think the key thing is that you have to be grateful for what you do have rather that what you don't.

In my twenties I always thought I would get married by 30, have 3 kids by 40 etc etc but for various reasons that didn't happen, now in my 40s I choose accept the way my life has turned out and move on and enjoy what I do have.

What I do have to be grateful for is my health (mental and physical) when I have seen some of my friends suffer with chronic depression, suicidal feelings, MS & very sadly for one of my friends in her 30s - terminal cancer.

So rather than dwelling on what I haven't got I just think how am blessed in that Im healthy, I have several very close friends who are always there for me and I've known since my teens, Im close to my nieces and nephew and my goddaughter. I enjoy my job, work with people I like, I've got a good social life etc etc. I do sometimes get asked out by men but to be honest unless someone very special came along I can't be bothered.

I think few people really have the ideal life that we imagine, Ive had friends who seemed to "have it all" when we were younger suffer marriage breakups, bereavements, fertility problems, have to cope with children with special needs and disabilities, terrible financial difficulties etc etc

With regards to what you say about men not being attracted to you, perhaps that is a self fulfilling prophecy, you assume they won't be attracted to you so you put up barriers without realising it. I can't really believe that is the case as from what I have seen over the years there really is no one kind of person people fancy or don't.

poppysarah

Make a list of all the things in your life that you enjoy.
Make a list of all the things you'd like in your life.

Without knowing what happened when you've been on dates it's impossible to know what hasn't happened right for you. You don't want to dwell on that, so don't.

You are you.
If you are happy being you, spending time with your own company, and enjoying yourself in a social capacity on your own, then you have something more precious than a lot of people.

So many people feel desperately incomplete without a man in their life that they rush from pillar to post (frying pan to fryer) never standing on their own too feet.

Relax. Enjoy your life. There's no one marking your life on a tick list other than you.

If you have friends in your life then cherish them but be open to the world out there and all it might offer you in terms of new friends and experiences.

Never say never, but accepting that it might never happen might be what you need to do.

frugaliciousnow

Lotus-eater wrote: »

I don't understand why you want to draw a line under a part of your life that hasn't even started yet?

You don't need to move on to enjoy the good things in life. You live a happy life and if you meet someone, you do. I don't see what would be different about the way you live your life while you are searching for someone or not?

Just do what you want and enjoy, if you're not going to actively search for someone, then carry on and enjoy. No need to draw a line.

You're not old and people in their 70's and 80's still meet people they want to be with.
Children are another matter and you will have to deal with that the best way you can.

But I must admit, I don't understand it, you seem pleasant, educated, you've already said yourself you're not bad looking, why aren't you getting on with internet dating, you should be getting loads of mails from blokes.

I get what you are saying here (ie "there's someone for everyone, it's just a case of finding them").

Actually though I believe O.P. is being wise to "draw a line" under this desire for a partner. That is not to say that her personal Mr Right might not yet turn up. However, there comes a point (with ANY desired objective) where it is realistic to think "Doesn't look like this is going to happen for me personally" for whatever reason. To take an example from a VERY different context, most people will pass a driving test at the first or second attempt. However, there ARE people who try and try and try again and they are still trying at attempt no. 20. For ANY desired objective there comes a point at which it is necessary to think "Well, I've put in a reasonable amount of effort and then some and it still hasn't happened. Time to draw a line and get on with my life".

Reading the statistics recently and there are normally 105 boys born to every 100 women. This allows for things like maybe...well maybe..boys are the physically weaker sex and less likely to make it into adulthood perhaps??? Certainly allows for the sex most likely to get involved in wars and therefore being killed off early at a greater rate. However, there are periods in history where girls are born at a much greater rate than boys for some reason and the theory being put forward by the author of this particular book I've been reading that makes this point is that in times of particular Societal Stress that more girls are conceived than boys. The greater the Societal Stress, then the higher the proportion of girls born relative to boys. Thus, there ARE periods in history where there simply aren't enough marriageable men to go round in relation to the number of marriageable women and "when the music stops" in this particular "Game of Musical Chairs" there will be some women left who literally don't have a man's lap left to sit on. Well, that's one way to put it and a situation that a lot of women found themselves in after World War 1 (in that case because their potential husbands had been killed in that war) but there has been a period in recent history where this Societal Stress has caused there to be "not enough men to go round as husbands" and I think the period O.P. was born into might have been round about that time????

So, sometimes it really CAN be down to totally "impersonal" factors as to why a woman cannot find the right man for her to marry and no reflection at all on herself in fact.

I think O.P. is being realistic to take the attitude of "Time to draw a line and get on with the rest of my life" in fact. I wish her the very best that this will be an enjoyable and useful experience for her.

Lotus-eater

frugaliciousnow wrote: »

I think O.P. is being realistic to take the attitude of "Time to draw a line and get on with the rest of my life" in fact. I wish her the very best that this will be an enjoyable and useful experience for her.

I still don't see why a line has to be drawn.

If I was single, I would live my life how I liked and if I was looking, or not looking for someone to meet, it would be the same.

What would I do different? Wash more........ maybe, if I was going on a date.
More !!!!!!? Probably, considering I had no one at home. Maybe more batteries if I was a woman.

Take more notice of single women? Wouldn't bother, do it all online, much easier.

I mean, that's about it, unless you've been terrifically hurt by someone and have sworn off the relationship side completely.

frugaliciousnow

Get your drift. However, I think we all of us have a certain amount of time/life "energy"/etc/etc available to us. This will vary from person to person obviously.

The thing is that, whilst we are putting all that time and "life energy", etc towards one particular objective YET again, then it simply isn't available for anything else we might like instead. It's been "blown" on having attempt no. 20 (or whatever it is) at trying again for that same original objective and, in years to come, that can lead people to think "Well, if I never did achieve that objective anyway, then perhaps I might have done a bit better on achieving other objectives I also had if I'd put my time and energies towards that instead".

I don't think I'm explaining myself that well, but I know what I mean:rotfl:

Lotus-eater

frugaliciousnow wrote: »

Get your drift. However, I think we all of us have a certain amount of time/life "energy"/etc/etc available to us. This will vary from person to person obviously.

The thing is that, whilst we are putting all that time and "life energy", etc towards one particular objective YET again, then it simply isn't available for anything else we might like instead. It's been "blown" on having attempt no. 20 (or whatever it is) at trying again for that same original objective and, in years to come, that can lead people to think "Well, if I never did achieve that objective anyway, then perhaps I might have done a bit better on achieving other objectives I also had if I'd put my time and energies towards that instead".

I don't think I'm explaining myself that well, but I know what I mean:rotfl:

Yeah I do know what you mean and you have a point.

It does take energy and commitment to continue to make new dates and find someone new.

I suppose I would make that into an enjoyable part of my life, not look at it as a chore. Maybe that's why I think the way I do. I do love women and just like being around them, I don't have to be bonking them, to appreciate them.

Emmzi

Lotus-eater wrote: »

I do love women and just like being around them, I don't have to be bonking them, to appreciate them.

LE, have you tried going on an internet dating site posing as a slightly more restrained kind of woman?

I think you will get a very different perspective of your fellow men and understand why it fails to work for many women looking for genuine dates as opposed to bonks.

SO many idiots. So many blokes just wanting a legover which is fine unless your profile says "I am not looking for 1/2/3 night stands." Basic literacy IS a requirement of mine.

Then try posing as a woman looking for a woman. Oh my word.

Lotus-eater

Emmzi wrote: »

LE, have you tried going on an internet dating site posing as a slightly more restrained kind of woman?

I think you will get a very different perspective of your fellow men and understand why it fails to work for many women looking for genuine dates as opposed to bonks.

SO many idiots. So many blokes just wanting a legover which is fine unless your profile says "I am not looking for 1/2/3 night stands." Basic literacy IS a requirement of mine.

Then try posing as a woman looking for a woman. Oh my word.

Funnily enough I haven't

And tbh I have better things to do with my time. But lets just say I believe you, it's not all that way round of course, unless you are 6 feet tall and handsome, with your own company/house and teeth, then I'm sure it's difficult to find a decent woman as well.

I must admit, all the time I see women on here who are intelligent, normal, interesting, funny and I wonder why they can't find someone, these are exactly the women I would go for (well not exactly, but you know what I mean ).

Are people being too fussy? People as in, not just women.