How to accept that life isn't how I want it to be?

KiKi

OP, I can totally identify with you. I'm a bit younger than you, but never had a LTR, or any sort of relationship, really. I'm not the sort of girl that guys fancy, never have been. I am (I think!), and have been told by friends that I'm a very kind person, easy to be with, confident, sociable etc. I'm not pretty or very attractive, but I'm certainly not unattractive, either. Quite ordinary, really!

However, unlike you, I don't particularly want a relationship. I'm very happy being single, and I've been single for so long, that I think I'd probably be far too selfish to be with anyone. I'm quite traditional, too, and hate 'dating' - I'd rather get to know someone first, but I've always found it very hard to find someone who I like in that way, let alone them liking me back!! And I do love being on my own, living alone, holidaying alone, never having to put someone else first all the time etc. I love my own company...

The only thing that bothers me (as you have almost described) is that I hate knowing that I'm not fanciable / love-able in that way - even though I don't want it or look for it! (I don't mean not 'loved' - I'm very loved by family and friends.)

So in terms of advice, I don't think you change how you feel, but I think you can choose to change your attitude and approach. As someone else said, those dreams will still be there, but channel your efforts into stuff YOU want to do. Forget anything that sits alongside it. You wanna rear tiger cubs? Go do it! You want to go to a reading group and study at uni? Do it. Focus on enjoying what you want from life as YOU. Whatever happens, on your death bed you can say that you've enjoyed your life, rather than searched for something that may or may not happen.

Take the new year as your inspiration and make a list of small things you want for your life, and the bigger things. (Not including a guy!) Start making plans to make them happen. Easier said than done, but if you don't take action then it won't happen. Might be small things, like having a pampering session once a month, or joining a walking group, or saving up for a new sofa. Or bigger things like aiming to move to a new city in the next three years, or starting a new uni course. But take some time out to think about what you really want from your life and work towards it - because you don't have to consider anyone else in this except you!

KiKi

pearl123

OP - I suggest you buy a body language book, so that you can read men's body language signals, but more importantly you can adjust your own. I suspect you are just putting out the wrongs body language signals which could be keeping men away. If you can adjust you body language signals (when they are incorrect) you'll at least have a chance of someone approaching you for a chat.
If sounds simple but smiling in company is a good start.
I only suggest getting a body language book as I spent nearly a decade on my own and relised that it could be me - who was putting men off!
Aside from that if a relashionship does not happen build the best life you can for yourself. Don't stick within the four walls!
After all this time you could be quite scared of a relationship which means your body language could be show it!

PoorCharleyBear

I have a few friends in a similar position.
Some accept and are happy, others have tried on line dating and are happy/unhappy with the outcome- depends who they meet.

If however all you want is a good social life and to meet interesting people, try something like Spice. It is nationwide activities club. Not really sure how it categorises itself , but you can go on holiday, to the theatre, bungy jumping, drinking, with a group of mostly like minded peole.

You pay a membership fee and then go to whatever takes your fancy out of the scheduled activities. I met lots of lovely female friends there, and by coincidence Mr PCB, but mainly had a great time with no stress of arranging things.

You might enjoy meeting new people in a non-stressful, non-pressurised situation

FBaby

OP, i think you message is full of wisdom. You are clearly not using the situation to feel sorry for yourself, you are realistic about the situation and what relationships can be like, and you are not let it ruin your life. I think you have a lot to be massively proud.

Trying to gauge why you are in the situation you are in would be a total waste of time as everything is possible, yes, maybe you are not giving the right vibes etc..., but as likely, you are just unlucky. For every situation, you have one who will fall out of the norm, that's the randomness of any situation.

I am the same age than you, and although my situation is different in that I have managed to have a serious enough relationship with a man to have two wonderful children, and somehow managed to find another man after 6 years of being single, I have some traits in common with you leading me to question things to at times. I think what might help is assess what is important to you in life. What is it that you miss the most? If it is say children, couldn't you consider adopting/fostering or even have IVF with donor sperm/egg, something controversial, but that some chose to do and still your right to consider it. If it is the companionship or a relationship, then maybe you could get a lodger. I know, I know not the same, but you might still find it answers some of your needs. Or maybe, it is about finding a meaning to life, and you could consider changing careers/going for a more senior post, or you could decide to travel the world, no money, but maybe you might then concentrate on saving any penny this year/selling things, or maybe you might want a radical change and go volunteering in Africa.

All these suggestions are a bit cliche, but it is just to help in the thought process rather than giving tangible exemples. I can imagine that you would give anything to have a partner and children, but since you don't, you can concentrate on what you do have and wouldn't if you did have a family, and that is the independence to think only of you and your needs, and to do whatever it is you want to do.

Nottoobadyet

FBaby wrote: »

the independence to think only of you and your needs, and to do whatever it is you want to do.

Just wanted to interject - this isnt a criticism of your excellent post, Fbaby, but this line made me think.

I dont think a single life needs to be one selfishly lived. There is a perception, fueled by the media, that single adult women are that way because they didnt care enough about others to slow down their lives of party and high flying careers, which is profoundly untrue.

OP, many, many of the single women I know around your age have found themselves there because they have spent their youth in work thats globally mobile, incredibly committed and emotionally draining, mainly aid work and journalism, which make it hard to hold down a relationship. I realize that this is probably farther out of most people's experiences, but among my friends and colleagues there are many people in this boat. Sure, some are unhappy and regret not having children when they were younger, but most are driven by an overwhelming commitment to the causes they have worked for, and can look back on decades of adventure and inspiration.

Could throwing yourself into a cause be something that can set you free from the disappointment you're feeling now? VSO or something of the like? It doesnt need to be overseas - it can be a cause you are passionate about in the UK, perhaps working with youth or animals? The important thing is to launch your heart and soul into something, and let it become a positive and defining part of your life. It sounds like you are feeling a bit aimless, maybe this could give you the focus and drive that you need to build a life for yourself that you can be happy with, regardless of whether someone decides to come share it with you.

shoopi

KiKi wrote: »

Take the new year as your inspiration and make a list of small things you want for your life, and the bigger things. (Not including a guy!) Start making plans to make them happen. Easier said than done, but if you don't take action then it won't happen. Might be small things, like having a pampering session once a month, or joining a walking group, or saving up for a new sofa. Or bigger things like aiming to move to a new city in the next three years, or starting a new uni course. But take some time out to think about what you really want from your life and work towards it - because you don't have to consider anyone else in this except you!
KiKi

Great advice from KiKi.

Try new things which take you outside your comfort zone, even if they're just small (eg trying a different route to work). These little (and big) adventures will be fun to look back on at the end of the day and make your life feel full.

I very much empathise with you - I was in a very similar situation about 10 years ago myself. Things I did: long walks in the countryside (a great way to make you feel alive), cinema, learning new skills (I took horse-riding lessons), writing a diary. How about starting a blog?

(The other thing I did - apologies - was internet dating, and that's where I met my husband. I did have to kiss a lot of frogs, and I got to the point where I almost gave up completely, but the very next date was with the man who ended up being my husband. I do still go on long walks, to the cinema etc.)

Wishing you a wonderful 2012

Lotus-eater

Person_one wrote: »

Don't flatter yourself, if it seems like I've been picking on you lately that will be because I disagree with your recent posts, nothing more.

What's the point of saying 'there's somebody for everybody, don't give up' if your next post admits that there's a pretty good chance of never meeting the somebody out there for you as they're one of 3 billion males on the planet?

We're not on this planet for long, we have to make the most of our situation as it is and enjoy it, which is what the OP wants to do, good for her! :T

I very rarely flatter myself, but I do often point out the truth

The two quotes you make of my writing aren't mutually exclusive.

The fact that there is someone out there for everyone and you may never meet them, isn't a new fact, or one that has just been discovered, it's been around for ever.
Some people make do and some keep searching.

I wasn't saying that the OP should lock herself in a darkened room until she meets someone, I was saying that she shouldn't give up on the chance of meeting someone.

Carry on doing what she wants to get out of life, but never give up.

SailorSam

One of the things i like about Mse is it opens your eyes to the fact that 'it isn't just me', i wish i'd done something years ago and still live in hope. While reading the thread i was thinking what should i write and knew Torbrex would come along and say it so much better than i could.
Fingers crossed 2012 will be the year.

jackomdj

Person_one wrote: »

Very few people that I know have met total strangers in bars etc. with no other connection and actually stayed together long term.

I did! But then I was 24 at the time and not only own in a bar, I think that would attract the wrong people!

If I was the op I would be out doing the things I enjoy doing, being with the sort of people you enjoy being with. That way you may meet "the one", if you do you will be lucky enough to have hobbies in common and if you don't you will have enjoyed your life anyway :-)

cavework

Hi OP ..
Stop looking for a relationship .. start looking at enjoying life, have a laugh enjoy what you have, relax and give up on searching for the right person.
In a couple of months I bet you will have more than a few admirers
Relationships are like buses .. when you are looking for one you can never find one .. stop looking and three will come along all at the same time.;)
xx