How to accept that life isn't how I want it to be?

FBaby

Nottoobadyet wrote: »

I dont think a single life needs to be one selfishly lived. There is a perception, fueled by the media, that single adult women are that way because they didnt care enough about others to slow down their lives of party and high flying careers, which is profoundly untrue.

Oh Gosh, that's not what I meant at all. Didn't even cross my mind, if anything, I would think the exact opposite, too much time spent thinking of others and putting their needs first and that is why if you are going be single for a long time, it might be time to start thinking more about yourself.

MountainBaby

Wow, thanks for all these replies, and for the PM's too!

I'm dashing in and going out again but didn't want anyone to think I'd posted a question and then not come back, so although I don't have time right now to read and reply I will do so either later or tomorrow, depending on what time I get home tonight.

Two things I will emphesize though having had a quick read is that a) I am not depressed, just need to draw a line and don't know if now is the right time or how to approach it, and b) I'm not asking for advice on meeting men. I do go out, I'm out every night of the week at 4 different clubs. Men just don't seem to be attracted to me and I don't think I can change that. My close friends who I trust to be honest can't offer me any suggestions of how to change myself and they say I'm not doing anything wrong so, what would I change anyway?

I appreciate everyone taking the time to reply but to be honest, dating advice and other peoples happy endings are not really what I am after here, I'm looking for advice on moving on and being happy with the good things in life when something I want very badly is missing and is never going to happen.

Thank you.

tesuhoha

KiKi wrote: »

OP, I can totally identify with you. I'm a bit younger than you, but never had a LTR, or any sort of relationship, really. I'm not the sort of girl that guys fancy, never have been. I am (I think!), and have been told by friends that I'm a very kind person, easy to be with, confident, sociable etc. I'm not pretty or very attractive, but I'm certainly not unattractive, either. Quite ordinary, really!

However, unlike you, I don't particularly want a relationship. I'm very happy being single, and I've been single for so long, that I think I'd probably be far too selfish to be with anyone. I'm quite traditional, too, and hate 'dating' - I'd rather get to know someone first, but I've always found it very hard to find someone who I like in that way, let alone them liking me back!! And I do love being on my own, living alone, holidaying alone, never having to put someone else first all the time etc. I love my own company...

The only thing that bothers me (as you have almost described) is that I hate knowing that I'm not fanciable / love-able in that way - even though I don't want it or look for it! (I don't mean not 'loved' - I'm very loved by family and friends.)

So in terms of advice, I don't think you change how you feel, but I think you can choose to change your attitude and approach. As someone else said, those dreams will still be there, but channel your efforts into stuff YOU want to do. Forget anything that sits alongside it. You wanna rear tiger cubs? Go do it! You want to go to a reading group and study at uni? Do it. Focus on enjoying what you want from life as YOU. Whatever happens, on your death bed you can say that you've enjoyed your life, rather than searched for something that may or may not happen.

Take the new year as your inspiration and make a list of small things you want for your life, and the bigger things. (Not including a guy!) Start making plans to make them happen. Easier said than done, but if you don't take action then it won't happen. Might be small things, like having a pampering session once a month, or joining a walking group, or saving up for a new sofa. Or bigger things like aiming to move to a new city in the next three years, or starting a new uni course. But take some time out to think about what you really want from your life and work towards it - because you don't have to consider anyone else in this except you!

KiKi

Re your first paragraph, my daughter says that about herself. I almost thought it was her posting although sometimes she actually says she is fat and ugly but she is stunning to look at (a bit like the actress who played Estella in the recent Great Expectations). Yet she has this same problem with men. My husband thinks its because she comes across as cold and uninterested and puts men off. I just don't know.

cavework

OP .. you don't know for sure if it is going to happen . If it doesn't .. it doesn't .But you seem to be scared to death of the biological clock that is in your mind, ticking down.
Stuff dating advice ..You could be pregnant 5 years from now and posting as an older first time Mum.
You could be posting on here as a Foster Mum or a new Adoptive Mum.
TC
xx

tesuhoha

MountainBaby wrote: »

Wow, thanks for all these replies, and for the PM's too!

I'm dashing in and going out again but didn't want anyone to think I'd posted a question and then not come back, so although I don't have time right now to read and reply I will do so either later or tomorrow, depending on what time I get home tonight.

Two things I will emphesize though having had a quick read is that a) I am not depressed, just need to draw a line and don't know if now is the right time or how to approach it, and b) I'm not asking for advice on meeting men. I do go out, I'm out every night of the week at 4 different clubs. Men just don't seem to be attracted to me and I don't think I can change that. My close friends who I trust to be honest can't offer me any suggestions of how to change myself and they say I'm not doing anything wrong so, what would I change anyway?

I appreciate everyone taking the time to reply but to be honest, dating advice and other peoples happy endings are not really what I am after here, I'm looking for advice on moving on and being happy with the good things in life when something I want very badly is missing and is never going to happen.

Thank you.

Well, I think you should start indulging yourself with every pleasure, guilty or otherwise that will make you happy. Forget about men for awhile although the dream can still be there. Go pamper yourself, book a lovely holiday, buy yourself some great clothes, treat yourself to nights out, restaurant meals, book the theatre, concerts, cinema. Go for a spa weekend or whatever floats your boat. Look up whats on in your area. Just have a really good self indulgent time and look after yourself.

You may not get a man through all this but you can have a great time consoling yourself.

Lotus-eater

MountainBaby wrote: »

a) I am not depressed, just need to draw a line and don't know if now is the right time or how to approach it,

I'm looking for advice on moving on and being happy with the good things in life when something I want very badly is missing and is never going to happen.

I don't understand why you want to draw a line under a part of your life that hasn't even started yet?

You don't need to move on to enjoy the good things in life. You live a happy life and if you meet someone, you do. I don't see what would be different about the way you live your life while you are searching for someone or not?

Just do what you want and enjoy, if you're not going to actively search for someone, then carry on and enjoy. No need to draw a line.

You're not old and people in their 70's and 80's still meet people they want to be with.
Children are another matter and you will have to deal with that the best way you can.

But I must admit, I don't understand it, you seem pleasant, educated, you've already said yourself you're not bad looking, why aren't you getting on with internet dating, you should be getting loads of mails from blokes.

MrsE_2

alyth wrote: »

A friend uses oasis, the dating website. I joined it perhaps about a week ago. Got chatting to a guy, he came up two nights ago, after a few glasses of wine I invited him - dutch courage I suppose. He stayed the night, and we got on fantastically.

I don't think thats very safe, however right you think it feels.
If you knew them from work or something, it would be fine, but the internet.....

JulieGeorgiana

MountainBaby wrote: »

... I do go out, I'm out every night of the week at 4 different clubs. Men just don't seem to be attracted to me and I don't think I can change that. My close friends who I trust to be honest can't offer me any suggestions of how to change myself and they say I'm not doing anything wrong so, what would I change anyway?

You could stop going to clubs!

I haven't been in one since I was 20! And I never met a nice guy at a Club back then, and most the men I would meet were only after one thing...!

I really don't want to offer dating advice (as I said before you need to start enjoying life being single and having fun for you), but you just asked what you could change...

Nice men in their 40's are not found in Clubs!

Emmzi

I don't think she means night clubs

choirs, book clubs, film clubs, dining clubs, car clubs.. all interesting places!

Bogof_Babe

This is not "dating advice", but if you enjoy travel how about booking a singles holiday? That way you'd have travelling companions who are also not coupled-up, so you wouldn't feel self-conscious about not having a partner, you'd have some fun and see the world, and never say never you just might click with a single or divorced man, and make a new ongoing friend.

That's exactly what I'd be doing if I ever found myself alone again (and it's been touch and go this year!).