How to accept that life isn't how I want it to be?

Person_one

Have you considered talking this through with a counsellor? I'm no expert but I think CBT might be of great use to you in this situation. Your GP can probably refer you.

http://www.mind.org.uk/help/medical_and_alternative_care/making_sense_of_cognitive_behaviour_therapy

tesuhoha

KiKi wrote: »

Um....okay...?!

I don't think I'm fat and ugly at all, FTR! I'm just not pretty or someone who would turn heads. I can say - absolutely hand on heart - that I have never, ever had a guy look at me twice or pay attention to me in that way. It's not because I'm ignorant of it - far from it. I just don't attract men in that way. So I can sympathise with your daughter.

When I lived in Aus I used to work at an event one evening a week. Two of the men who worked at the event barely spoke to me - until one evening I made friends with another British girl who was travelling, and they came straight over and wanted to chat with her...!! I didn't get it! She wasn't what I would call pretty, they didn't know her (so it wasn't her personality) - but she had long blonde hair and was skinny. I went home utterly crushed that evening. Not because I wanted the attention; I didn't. But being reminded how shallow some men can be because she was obviously very attractive and I wasn't really bothered me!

KiKi

I know you are convinced of this. However, my daughter says exactly the same thing. She actually told me this evening how her friend is a man magnet. Well, it sounds as if she is but she is warm and bubbly but not terribly attractive. It is not always the looks that attract the most so don't be crushed.

My daughter told me she is invisible to men but I have seen them looking back at her. I am not making this up. She is deadly serious and does not realise how attractive she is. Therefore, don't be too sure that no one finds you attractive.

londonsurrey

Tesuhoha is right about a level of obliviousness being possible. Years after we were married, my husband told me how exasperated he was when he initially tried to ask me out, and I was in all seriousness and considerateness informing him of how impractical and inefficient it was for him to come all the way to where I was to spend money on watching an unnamed film at the cinema.

KxMx

MountainBaby wrote: »

Lotus Eater I do see what you mean about not drawing a line, but for me as an individual it feels like I need to in order to move away from the emotional feelings of disappointment and failure.

<snipped>

Londonsurrey is right, society bings us up to expect that we will get married and have families. The princess gets her prince in the fairy tales, 90% of 'chick flicks' have happy endings*, food shopping for one means buying a big freezer because you can't buy just one of anything (or if you can it's twice the price!).... modern life is designed for people to be in twos.... just look at TV advertising! No one ever tells little girls that they might not meet their knight in shining armour and they might never meet someone special. It's just expected that you will.

I've been out for a meal tonight. Just pizza, nothing special. But once again, I was the one sat at the end of the table with no one opposite, I made us 'odd numbers', I had no one to take advantage of the two-for-one deal with.... do you see how even just going out for pizza is a constant reminder? And now that I am home I am alone, and I probably won't speak to another soul until tomorrow night if I go to my brothers for NYE (I've got a cold and am feeling rubbish so might not go). If I don't go then I potentially won't see or speak to anyone until I go back to work on Tuesday. Unless I go to Sainsburys where the checkout person might speak to me. And I don't mean to sound like I feel sorry for myself because I don't, but I'm trying to explain why it's on my mind so much and why I need to 'get over it' and move forwards somehow. Everything in life is a constant reminder of my situation and I'm sure it doesn't bother other people like it bothers me, but that's why I need to find a way to put it all to rest once and for all.

I understand 100% and I see there are other singletons on here who feel the same. I could have written much of what you have written there (and loads will tell me at 24 I have plenty of time, which I am sure is true, but I base that despair on my feelings, which are in turn based on my (nil) record in the past and current situation, I certainly don't feel it will ever happen for me right now! Sad to say my family/friends have stopped asking if i've met someone- ill health has meant being at home for a few years but they stopped asking way before that when I could get out and about- and my Mum no longer tells me "well I was a late starter" since I am 6 years older than her "late start"!) As much as coupled-up friends try to help, they really can't relate to those feelings, since it is so long since they felt them themselves, and are now all snug as part of a couple. They might have been lonely in the past, but past is the key word, since they are in a couple now, they don't understand the paronoia/despair of ever meeting someone, since they have!!

I wish you the best of luck, I really do I am going through a transition period in that I have decided with heartbreak not to have children due to my health and am thinking ahead on how to fill my life in the future. It looks bleak right now but I am hopeful of improvement.

Brighton_belle

OP, if you have lots of activities and friends you already enjoy so you are not looking for new challenges to distract, it does sound like you just want to change your emotional reaction. In which case, I think CBT might be the best option. That certain deals with changing our responses/feelings to situations we can't change

dark^knight

MountainBaby wrote: »

* I made this statistic up. It has no factual base and may well be totally incorrect.

You're actually quite funny :rotfl:

tesuhoha

MountainBaby wrote: »

Thank you for all the replies.

This have proved to be an interesting discussion so thank you for that. Some suggestions have really made me think, some however are a bit off course for me. I have a dog and a mortgage so travelling and spending months abroad is not an option and to be honest, it doesn't really float my boat anyway. Other than love and money my life is good and I don't feel the need to make changes there. I liked the example of learning to drive and yes I probably would give up if I'd been trying and failing with that for 20 years, this feels the same.

Having children by myself is not a financial option and really it's not something I'd choose to do alone.

By clubs I meant sports. Running club, badminton club etc. Not nightclubs. Haven't been in one of those since my mid twenties and didn't enjoy them then!

Lotus Eater I do see what you mean about not drawing a line, but for me as an individual it feels like I need to in order to move away from the emotional feelings of disappointment and failure.

I also do know that people of all ages get married, two of my grandparents re-married in their 70's. Be honest though, it's not an everyday event, in fact I don't know anyone else whose grandparents have married at that age.

I'm definitely not a lesbian. Maybe I'd have more luck if I were!

Londonsurrey is right, society bings us up to expect that we will get married and have families. The princess gets her prince in the fairy tales, 90% of 'chick flicks' have happy endings*, food shopping for one means buying a big freezer because you can't buy just one of anything (or if you can it's twice the price!).... modern life is designed for people to be in twos.... just look at TV advertising! No one ever tells little girls that they might not meet their knight in shining armour and they might never meet someone special. It's just expected that you will.

I've been out for a meal tonight. Just pizza, nothing special. But once again, I was the one sat at the end of the table with no one opposite, I made us 'odd numbers', I had no one to take advantage of the two-for-one deal with.... do you see how even just going out for pizza is a constant reminder? And now that I am home I am alone, and I probably won't speak to another soul until tomorrow night if I go to my brothers for NYE (I've got a cold and am feeling rubbish so might not go). If I don't go then I potentially won't see or speak to anyone until I go back to work on Tuesday. Unless I go to Sainsburys where the checkout person might speak to me. And I don't mean to sound like I feel sorry for myself because I don't, but I'm trying to explain why it's on my mind so much and why I need to 'get over it' and move forwards somehow. Everything in life is a constant reminder of my situation and I'm sure it doesn't bother other people like it bothers me, but that's why I need to find a way to put it all to rest once and for all.

* I made this statistic up. It has no factual base and may well be totally incorrect.

It makes me sad to hear this about being alone. To move on - the past is behind you so try not to waste time regretting it. This is only my view and I'm not in your position but I think you have to strive for some kind of inner happiness that has nothing to do with men. As your life is happy in other ways then you can just take it a day at a time. Let small things please you, enjoy music, beauty of nature. Try not to think of negatives such as the pizza situation. Rather try to enjoy the evening. For instance if you were part of a couple you would have been enjoying the pizza and the experience of being out for a meal. Try to enjoy the experiences that remind you of being single for their own sake. For instance, if you go to the cinema rather than thinking of the empty seat next to you make sure its a film you want to see and be swept up by the story. If you go for a walk alone concentrate on the happiness of your dog and the bluebell wood/crashing waves etc, if you go to a restaurant linger over the menu and savour every mouthful of your meal. Become a glass half full sort of person. Try to change your outlook on life and make being alone a joyful experience. Keep your romantic daydreams and enjoy them.

Take pleasure in your home and make it as cosy and welcoming a haven as you possibly can. Think how lucky you are to be able to shut the door on the world, listen to your own music, watch whatever you like on tv, please yourself whether you cook or not and go to bed whenever you like. You have a cold and feel lousy but you can flop on the sofa in front of the tv with a duvet and a hot toddy and you are not under any pressure. No one expects you to get up and cook their dinner (apart from your dog) or clean up the kitchen. You can relax and go to bed at seven if you want or sleep on the sofa.

There must be other people that are alone like you and perhaps you could find a way to meet up with them. Not to potentially find a partner but for friendship. I think the widowed lady had a lot of good advice, especially the bit about becoming self contained.

Have you got any neighbours who live alone? If so, could you invite them in for a drink on NYE?

Oldernotwiser

MountainBaby wrote: »

And now that I am home I am alone, and I probably won't speak to another soul until tomorrow night if I go to my brothers for NYE (I've got a cold and am feeling rubbish so might not go). If I don't go then I potentially won't see or speak to anyone until I go back to work on Tuesday. Unless I go to Sainsburys where the checkout person might speak to me.

But, apart from feeling ill, which is always miserable, not going out or seeing anyone until Tuesday is your choice, surely? Pubs, restaurants, cinemas are all open and you could go if you wanted to and presumably you chat to people when out with your dog.

I get the feeling that you don't enjoy your own company and aren't prepared to go out alone, which I feel is a mistake in many ways.

burnoutbabe

MountainBaby wrote: »

I've been out for a meal tonight. Just pizza, nothing special. But once again, I was the one sat at the end of the table with no one opposite, I made us 'odd numbers', I had no one to take advantage of the two-for-one deal with.... do you see how even just going out for pizza is a constant reminder? And now that I am home I am alone, and I probably won't speak to another soul until tomorrow night if I go to my brothers for NYE (I've got a cold and am feeling rubbish so might not go). If I don't go then I potentially won't see or speak to anyone until I go back to work on Tuesday. Unless I go to Sainsburys where the checkout person might speak to me. And I don't mean to sound like I feel sorry for myself because I don't, but I'm trying to explain why it's on my mind so much and why I need to 'get over it' and move forwards somehow. Everything in life is a constant reminder of my situation and I'm sure it doesn't bother other people like it bothers me, but that's why I need to find a way to put it all to rest once and for all.

.

you don't need a man, as such, you need single friends. Everyone hates being the one on the end in a group of couples, but if you are with your best mate, its usually fine.

why don't you work on just getting some single friends to do things with?

Frogletina

MrsE wrote: »

I don't think thats very safe, however right you think it feels.
If you knew them from work or something, it would be fine, but the internet.....

Sometimes the feelings are right though. I invited someone in for coffee who walked me home once who I'd only met the week before - and he's become one of my best friends and I even put him up for 6 weeks after only knowing him for couple of weeks.

Another guy I met via an internet group who wanted to come and see me when it was my birthday and he stayed (as a friend) for a few days

Of course, it would be nice to be able to meet someone in the conventional way but when that doesn't happen, for whatever reason, dating sites are fine. I met someone on a dating site and after a while I just knew he was someone I wanted to meet so I invited him to visit. I did meet him away from the house as a precaution but with the intention of bringing him home with me so long as it felt right at the time. And as soon as we met I had no fears at all of being with him.

Risky behaviour? Well, for me it didn't seem to be - but we all calculate risks and make choices. This was mine, and I wouldn't have had it any other way