How to accept that life isn't how I want it to be?

londonsurrey

The risks that women and all little girls are warned about are there, and nutters do abound.
The good thing about those risks is that we are primed and aware.

But safety does not exist in the way they(society) promises us.

My late husband knew martial arts, and was even the one that was officially summoned to back up the receptionist at work when she felt the need for burly male backup (go figure, he was a computer consultant). But when we had stones thrown at our house, and racist attacks, it wasn't him who went out to confront them. Yes, muggins here, half his weight and six inches shorter, was the one that was left to go out.

My mother's second husband. Law lecturer and barrister for Crown Prosecution Service. Respectable scion of society. Muggins here was indecently propositioned by him. I was young, there was no backup. There's a whole story about my useless mother here, who ironically worked for the council's legal department and specialised in Child Protection. Years later, he was imprisoned for rape.

Catholic priest. Another proposition. Gotta love the Catholic Church.

So the dangers are there, even when you finally "get safe" and "get" that decent company and family. You are only safe because you keep yourself so.

runningwoman

londonsurrey wrote: »

The risks that women and all little girls are warned about are there, and nutters do abound.
The good thing about those risks is that we are primed and aware.

But safety does not exist in the way they(society) promises us.

My late husband knew martial arts, and was even the one that was officially summoned to back up the receptionist at work when she felt the need for burly male backup (go figure, he was a computer consultant). But when we had stones thrown at our house, and racist attacks, it wasn't him who went out to confront them. Yes, muggins here, half his weight and six inches shorter, was the one that was left to go out.

My mother's second husband. Law lecturer and barrister for Crown Prosecution Service. Respectable scion of society. Muggins here was indecently propositioned by him. I was young, there was no backup. There's a whole story about my useless mother here, who ironically worked for the council's legal department and specialised in Child Protection. Years later, he was imprisoned for rape.

Catholic priest. Another proposition. Gotta love the Catholic Church.

So the dangers are there, even when you finally "get safe" and "get" that decent company and family. You are only safe because you keep yourself so.

What a brilliant post londonsurrey :T

I couldn't agree more that developing a good sense of judgement, the self esteem to say no and think "this doesn't feel right" is the BEST way to keep safe. Not locking yourself away like a princess and refusing to walk down the street after 7pm and not meeting up with anyone unless you have a six page background check on them.

You're not avoiding danger this way. A psycho could STILL find you. That's what they do, they're clever. You're merely avoiding being blamed by society for "asking for it" if anything happens.

I think that's why so many abusers get away with it - this point of view that because they're "respectable" they're "safe". By encouraging this black and white point of view - stranger = danger, known person = safe, we actually completely screw up our own, natural, God-given, judgement.

PS You don't sound like a muggins. I really hope your mothers ex husband is now enjoying being the prison b*itch.

SandC

Don't confuse acceptance with dismissal. I think the key to things is always being open to whatever may come your way. The problem is that it's human nature to fixate on something that we feel we need, until we fulfil that need, or something else comes along to negate it.

You are streets ahead of most women and men in that they would find it very difficult to live a life that doesn't revolve around others. Most people are far more needy than you have ever been or ever will be.

I too am single and whilst I have had relationships I haven't lived with anyone and have no children. I'm 41 as well. Since the last one - which was a long distance thing on and mostly off for 3.5 years (and the most I ever saw him was in year two, no more than once a month), I've been on my own for 3 years. I'm happy with things as they are but I'm very open to the possibility of meeting someone. But I'm equally happy not to and with that I am absolutely not bothered whether I spend entire weekends on my own and not having a conversation with anyone. In fact, I have openly admitted for some time now that I like it! I don't like having plans all the time, yet I am sociable when I want to be and love to go on holidays with groups of like minded singles or whoever the group might be made up of. The thing is that it's down to me and I will not be made to feel bad just because my lifestyle is not the conventional one. I recognise that it is me who is extraordinary I like to call it and I can embrace it.

Believe me when I tell you that if you wanted a relationship for the sake of having one - you would be in one. You could walk into the dodgiest pub where you live, pick up the local jobless full time drinker, take him home, have it off with him and call it a relationship.

But you wouldn't. Like most of us.

Whether you do or whether you don't meet someone, acceptance is openness.

ali-t

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I get the feeling that you don't enjoy your own company....

I think this is part of the problem as I am single but love my own company so don't find it a hardship to be on my own.

In response to the OP's original question, I don't think you should give up and if you think you may want children then you should be actively seeking a partner and be explicit about what you are looking for e.g. on dating websites. I know of lots of people who have gone on dating sites and said words to the effect of 'looking to settle down and start a family' and it has happened. I wonder if they now have the partner they would have chosen in an ideal world or just someone who shared the same marriage/baby dreams and values as them.

From reading the thread I have wondered throughout if you are giving off negative vibes to men which makes them either reluctant or scared to approach you. I remember one male friend telling me years ago that I give off major icequeen vibes to men that I don't know and it is only those who persist and try to get to know me that get to see the real me.

So, I would say don't give up the dream but come up with a plan that identifies the dream more clearly i.e. is it someone to share your life with or someone to be sexually intimite with. If you are looking for somone to go to weddings/share meals/outings then perhaps you need a wider circle of single friends. If you want someone to live with, a sexual and emotionally fulfilling relationship then perhaps you need a partner.

What it comes down to is teasing out the specifics of what you really want? Good luck.

runningwoman

Everyone else is writing stuff of such excellent-ness that I really don't fancy adding much more.

I'm single. If you said I'd die a childless spinstah I'd go "cool, what country?". It rather suits me.

But I think some expectation management is important. It's not necessarily ecstasy 24/7. Of course I DO often feel lonely and isolated and needy and depressed and all that stuff, just like when I was in a "good" relationship. It's an effort to keep things going.

It does take quite a lot of "tweaking" to enjoy my own company and have a life that suits me, it's not just "wow I'm fabulous" from the outset.

Like getting rid of or avoiding all the "friends" who make me feel after I leave their company and acquiring the ones who are .

Or finding stuff that's just "mine" (NOT to do with "meeting men" or "becoming more interesting to men" - just stuff I like).

What I mean to say is its going to take time and energy to have things better, not just a case of flipping a switch and thinking "oh yes, I'm gonna suddenly switch to wonderful on my own mode".

(Worth it though. I think)

shebrett

I think you need to accept it and stop concentrating on it. Recognise that it may come along or may not and accept it for that.

Having said that, men will have sex with a mannequin if nobody is looking. Not kissed since 19 means virgin I assume? Go get laid and it won't seem so daunting for you which I think could be part of your problem. You don't have to love the guy, find someone fun with no strings and no possibility of a relationship and then you won't feel any pressure with how to follow up the experience. I imagine some people will cringe at the idea but i'm a strong believer that men & women aren't all that different and sex can become an obstacle if you build it up in your mind.

January20

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

But, apart from feeling ill, which is always miserable, not going out or seeing anyone until Tuesday is your choice, surely? Pubs, restaurants, cinemas are all open and you could go if you wanted to and presumably you chat to people when out with your dog.

I get the feeling that you don't enjoy your own company and aren't prepared to go out alone, which I feel is a mistake in many ways.

OMG! Have you ever tried to go out alone to a pub or a restaurant? If the OP feels awkward being the one on her own with a group of friends out for a pizza, do you really think she will feel better being alone in a pub or eating on her own in a restaurant? Really? These are all places where it is not "the normal thing" to go alone. Very few women will drink alone in a pub. Very few people will eat alone in a restaurant. And cinemas nowadays are often places full of groups of young people and/ or couples, so they can be so depressing! (I go to the cinema on my own so I know what I'm talking about).

How patronising to tell the OP she is not enjoying her own company! Would anybody enjoy spending 2, 3 days without speaking to a soul?

I think you do not understand what it is like when you live alone and all your friends are busy with their own things, their families, their activities with their partners and children, etc and no then it is not necessarily a person's choice to spend a lot of time alone, not seeing anybody.

Oldernotwiser

January20 wrote: »

OMG! Have you ever tried to go out alone to a pub or a restaurant? If the OP feels awkward being the one on her own with a group of friends out for a pizza, do you really think she will feel better being alone in a pub or eating on her own in a restaurant? Really? These are all places where it is not "the normal thing" to go alone. Very few women will drink alone in a pub. Very few people will eat alone in a restaurant. And cinemas nowadays are often places full of groups of young people and/ or couples, so they can be so depressing! (I go to the cinema on my own so I know what I'm talking about).

Don't be so silly, the OP is an adult, mature woman - why on earth shouldn't she go out for a drink or a meal on her own? I really don't see why would you think it abnormal to do so.

When I go to the cinema (frequently on my own), there are many single women there, far more than when I first started doing it, 40 years ago. Why do you think it would it be depressing to do this?

You're doing the OP a great disservice by telling her that living independently as an adult single woman isn't "normal" and that she should only go out in the company of others as if we're still living in the 1950s. If she doesn't go out and/or speak to anyone for several days then that must be her choice because there's nothing to stop her from doing so, except for the prejudices of other people.

January20

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Don't be so silly, the OP is an adult, mature woman - why on earth shouldn't she go out for a drink or a meal on her own? I really don't see why would you think it abnormal to do so.

When I go to the cinema (frequently on my own), there are many single women there, far more than when I first started doing it, 40 years ago. Why do you think it would it be depressing to do this?

You're doing the OP a great disservice by telling her that living independently as an adult single woman isn't "normal" and that she should only go out in the company of others as if we're still living in the 1950s. If she doesn't go out and/or speak to anyone for several days then that must be her choice because there's nothing to stop her from doing so, except for the prejudices of other people.

First there is no need to tell me I am being silly when clearly I am not! How rude of you!

Secondly, I never said that it wasn't normal for a single adult woman to live on her own. You are obviously unable to read my post properly. I said that it is not "the normal thing" to do to go out on one's own in a pub or a restaurant, and you cannot argue with me on this. Whether you like it or not. I was in a restaurant for lunch yesterday and there was nobody on their own. I was in a pub a few days ago and there were no women on their own. It may be possible, it may be acceptable, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with going out alone, however it is not "the norm". It is not what society brainwashes us into believing should be happening and it makes it difficult to do, psychologically.

I cannot believe you have so much cheek as to twist my words so! I never said the OP shouldn't do anything because she is alone, I said it's blooming difficult, not the norm and can be depressing!

And there is a very great difference between somebody who goes out for a meal, a drink, a film on their own out of choice and has a partner to go home to, or someone who has chosen to live on their own, and someone who has no choice. It's not a question of living like in the 40s or 50s. Really not!

Person_one

January's right.

I live on my own, I am happily single, very comfortable spending time alone and happy to do lots of things solo.

I would never dream of going to a pub for a drink on my own, not in a million years, it would be very very odd and I dread to think of the sort of male attention it would attract, it was bad enough when I worked behind a bar on my own. I've only ever gone to restaurants alone when its been a necessity (travelling alone etc) and when I do I take a book so I don't feel so exposed!

I'm not actively looking for a partner, in fact I'm actively NOT looking one for at least the next year or so, but I'm not too proud to admit that there are lots of occasions and situations where being single makes you stick out like a sore thumb or makes it hard to fully participate.