How to accept that life isn't how I want it to be?

eeker

I'm a little younger (5yrs) than you MB but I know exactly how you feel, I guess the difference is I have had a number of LTR but the fact is they were all wrong for me and every time I sold a little of my soul.The answer to when do you accept things as they are is now - there is no better time but some days will be pants and others :T I'm now reconciled to the fact I am unlikely to have children of my own and am instead excited about the possibility of being able to do supported living for teenagers who have had a difficult time and am hoping to do some mentoring this year as a path towards this. Be kind to yourself x

sqeeky

alyth wrote: »

..... I'm waiting on my mouse man to come........

:rotfl:

alyth wrote: »

I got my leave approved today to go and be a pandakeeper in China again - something I've done twice. Save, take baby steps, I put away my two pound coins and also a pound a day towards my dreams.

Oooohhhh! How do you get to do that? Is it this kind of thing?

Weird_Nev

IF you think you can accept that relationships just aren't going to happen to you, then get on with the other areas of life that interest you. The relationship may happen due to some other circumstance. Travel, take up a hobby, move to someowhere you've always wanted to live - who knows what could happen?

But, to be hoenst, your post sounds like you are lonely and really want a realtionship to be complete. If that is the case, I say DON'T be fatalistic about it. Get pro-active, and make it a goal to meet a special someone. You're not alone, plenty of people don't start meaningful relationships until later in life. Internet dating has come on leaps and bounds, half the people I know in realtionships found their other half on t'internet and there is no stigma any more. My neighbour who is 50 has met a lovely bloke through internet dating.

Just go out there and have fun, you have to walk somewhere to cross some paths!

ada1988

in my opinion.if you do not have the ability to change it,you need to accept it.

Sambucus_Nigra

Have you ever asked any of your male friends your questions? As we can only speculate and argue about the reasons that you aren't getting any chap action.

However, in answer, you have to make of your life what you can; if you sit there longing for it to change then nothing will change.

Emmzi

you don't "give up" as such. You jus get on with living the very best life you can. You do the hobbies that interest you, not just ones where you meet people. You go see theatre that interests you. You get involved in hobbies you like be it LARPing or dressmaking or book group.

In short, you live. Fully, fantastically. and there is no need to section your life into "before" and "after" decision.

Just... live.

and if you are really curious about sex, Red Rooster ranch in Vegas I beleive has gentlemen who will be happy to educate. There's probably an equivalent here somewhere. No it isn't madly romantic but no first time sex is, so you may as well pay someone who knows what they are doing.

torbrex

Add 10 years and change the details for a male and it could have been me that had written the first post

I have been asking myself the same kinds of questions for 10 years at least and I have yet to find an answer, it is proving as difficult as it has been to find a partner.
I get a bit shy around women until that is I find out that they are unatainable whether because they are in a commited relationship already orwe are seperated by distance or even age. Once I know there is no chance for me getting anything started, I become a lot more confident and have been told that I am a bit of a flirt as well but I am not aware of that. It would almost seem that I dont really want someone until I find out that I cant get them.

I had a period about this time last year when I went right off the rails and got quite depressed about things in general and lonliness had a big part to play in that and my thoughts turned to 'what if I die alone, never to have loved or be loved' it was so bad I almost turned back to alcohol after nearly 20 years away from the damn stuff. I soldiered on through it and despite a couple of setbacks (life throws them at you anyway ) I am back to my relatively easy going self again just living life and taking whatever comes along, thats not to say I dont have my usual dailly grump about something though

As far as advice goes, no-one can really give you advice tailored to suit you, my experience has been to put thoughts of finding the perfect someone to share my life with to a small corner of my mind and try not to think about it too much.
Eye contact is a big thing for me, I try to hold that as long as the other person allows me to and although I have a bit of a crooked smile and I am not exactly James Bond material, I try to project myself rather than be someone that I'm not.
Best advice I have for you is actually a quote from the cartoon character Andy Capp - "Any woman that looks twice, looks good" All men are flattered at the thought of a woman giving him 'the eye' and if he is attracted to you at all and has any kind of confidence, he will approach you even if it is just to ask if he recognises you from somewhere simply because you were looking directly at him.

Emmzi

I am confused. OP has very specifically not asked for dating advice.

Is the thought of a single person so abhorent we just can't stand the idea?

Bollox to that says I and my small army of single friends! Who do as we wish when we wish. We have very nice lives. Not traditional, but fun! Sometimes some of us have partners, sometimes we don't.

Years ago we had to be in couples for financial reasons but y'know. Feminism. Working women. etc etc. Single still seems to be stigmatised though, as I can clearly see here.

Personally I've been alone and I've been in relationships and I know I am too selfish to live with someone else. Yay single!

Nottoobadyet

I have an auntie, now well in her 60s, who has never had anything like a relationship for the last 40 years. Some short flings and I imagine some sex, but nothing serious, ever.

And, guess what? She's beautiful, interesting and surrounded by fabulous, devoted friends. She has never been well off but has lived frugally and has managed to live all over the world. She writes books and learns languages, cooks gourmet meals for her friends and can hold a conversation on any number of topics. She's been involved in politics and has learned to paint. Shes taken a dinky, cramped flat in San Francisco and through lots hard work and good taste has transformed it into a stunning living space full of art. She's not a buddah like character who has transcended human needs, but she has seemingly accepted that of all the amazing things the world has to offer, a long term relationship isnt one she's after.

To be honest, I envy her far more than those who have more successful relationships than I do. I guess I dont have any good advice on how to get there, but can speak highly of the results once you do!

Kimitatsu

MountainBaby wrote: »

Personally I think it’s just a case of bad luck and probably too many ‘sliding doors’ moments.

It has got me down in the past, and sometimes I still struggle to stay positive with my life but I do have a lot that is going well in my life, in fact everything except love and money, is great!


I’m under no illusions about relationships, I read enough on here and am grounded enough to know that it’s hard work and sometimes it all goes wrong. I don’t own or wear rose tinted specs.

Sometimes I’m actually a bit scared that a relationship might happen and I won’t know how to handle it. I mean, I haven’t kissed a guy since I was 19 and as for sex....

I can’t carry on with the feelings of hope that maybe today there’ll be someone in a coffee shop, maybe there’ll be someone at that party, maybe there’ll be someone on the train.... it’s not good mentally to have a hope that is never fulfilled, even if it’s only a vague hope that’s been dulled by time and feelings of failure. (No, I’m not depressed!!)

how/when do I accept things as they are and get on with it, especially since things really ain’t that bad in all other aspects.

I read your post and these things that were highlighted in red are the ones which jumped out at me. Until you adress these issues then you will continue on as you are - there is nothing "wrong" with you but perhaps its the vibe that you give off to everyone else.

My advice to you is to stop looking outside of yourself, and look inwards, the most important person to love and have a relationship with is yourself, because when you do that your confidence will come up and the true you will shine.

Stop panicking about the bits you can do nothing about - kissing, sex, the relationship will all come along and concentrate on the real you, rather than harbouring a fantasy of a perfect life if only you had more money or a chap to leave his socks on your bathroom floor.

Sorry if this reads a little bluntly - always difficult in the written word rather than spoken, but I see lots of people like you who concentrate so much on the things that they miss their life thats happening right now.