How to accept that life isn't how I want it to be?

MountainBaby

First post so please be gentle with me.... I've been reading for a while but have finally drunk enough alcohol to give me the confidence to sign up and ask my question.

When do I give up and accept that what I have is good enough.

I’m now 41, female, and have yet to have a relationship with a man. I just never seem to meet any men let alone any who might potentially become a partner. This has always been the way, all my life. Men have never shown any interest in me right from school onwards, except for one married bloke looking for an affair which is just not my thing at all, and one guy I met when I was working abroad aged 19 who then ignored my efforts to keep in touch when I came home.

I have tried lots of things. Actively looking for someone, not looking because “the right man will come along when you stop looking”, internet dating, letting friends set me up on dates, speed dating, joining clubs and evening classes, volunteering, you name it I’ve tried it.... although not all at once obviously, I’m talking about over the last 20 years!

I’ve chatted with close friends who don’t understand it either. According to them I’m not ugly, I’m a nice person and I don’t come across as desperate.

Personally I think it’s just a case of bad luck and probably too many ‘sliding doors’ moments.

It has got me down in the past, and sometimes I still struggle to stay positive with my life but I do have a lot that is going well in my life, in fact everything except love and money, is great!

Anyway, this isn’t a ‘how do I meet the man of my dreams?’ question, it’s more of a ‘when do I give up and just accept things as they are?’ question. When do I put hope to one side, forget the thought of my own family (which at my age is not going to be an option for much longer anyway) and just get on with things as they are. I don’t want to find myself on my death bed when I’m old and realise I’ve spent my whole life wishing for something I was never destined to have and forgot to appreciate and enjoy all the good things I do have. When and how do I accept my lot and just get on with it.

I’m under no illusions about relationships, I read enough on here and am grounded enough to know that it’s hard work and sometimes it all goes wrong. I don’t own or wear rose tinted specs.

Sometimes I’m actually a bit scared that a relationship might happen and I won’t know how to handle it. I mean, I haven’t kissed a guy since I was 19 and as for sex.... how do you explain such a complete lack of experience without it seeming odd? All those relationship things you learn as a teenager and I’ve never had the chance. I just feel like it’s too late and I have missed the boat completely so should just give up and get on with life. I can’t carry on with the feelings of hope that maybe today there’ll be someone in a coffee shop, maybe there’ll be someone at that party, maybe there’ll be someone on the train.... it’s not good mentally to have a hope that is never fulfilled, even if it’s only a vague hope that’s been dulled by time and feelings of failure. (No, I’m not depressed!!)

I’m not asking for ‘meeting men’ advice. Been there, asked the questions and got all that advice. It’s a ‘moving on’ question, how/when do I accept things as they are and get on with it, especially since things really ain’t that bad in all other aspects.

dirtysexymonkey

have you considered that you might be a lesbian?

SuziQ

I don't have a load of advice for you, but something I have always lived by, is that THIS IS IT- it's not a rehearsal. Don't miss out on life now, whilst waiting for your life to 'start'! Maybe if you did decide 'this is it' then your life may change, you may meet someone? Maybe you are giving off some vibes of desperation which puts some men off?

As for not being confident about the physical side of relationships, I think if you meet the right person, your lack of experience simply won't matter!

I do hope that in 2012 you will feel fulfilled-whatever that may mean to you.

There_Goes_Trouble

Bizarre question DSM, where does the OP give that impression? She clearly states she'd like a relationship with a man! Did you actually read the whole post?

tesuhoha

The problem is its on your mind all the time and even if you tell yourself you have given up you won't have really.

You could still meet someone but why not try to enjoy life. Take a holiday or something. Just enjoy your life for what it is. There are a lot of people in relationships who are not happy and its not all its cracked up to be.

Person_one

Its brave of you to post this, not many of us are willing to admit that there are plenty of people for whom 'it' just doesn't happen. It might happen for you and it might not, it doesn't sound like you;ve done anything wrong as such.

Its also very sensible to acknowledge that coming to terms with the mental adjustment that your life isn't what you expected is difficult. Have you considered seeing a counsellor to talk through the situation? I'm a big fan of counselling for lots of situations, it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you it means you're self aware enough to know when you'd benefit from a little outside help.

Are children something you want? How do you feel about a slightly different adjustment and perhaps thinking about having a family on your own? I don't know what the technicalities are with fostering and adoption, or with sperm donation as the rules regarding anonymity have recently changed I think, but this might still be something you could consider? You can be a wonderful parent without a partner.

tesuhoha

Or just go and sit in a bar - see what happens.

Person_one

tesuhoha wrote: »

Or just go and sit in a bar - see what happens.

What a groundbreaking idea, I bet the OP never thought of that one.

tesuhoha

Person_one wrote: »

What a groundbreaking idea, I bet the OP never thought of that one.

i don't see the need to be sarcastic. I bet a lot of women have not tried that yet there is nothing wrong in a lone woman sitting in an upmarket bar having a drink.

Lotus-eater

MountainBaby wrote: »

it’s more of a ‘when do I give up and just accept things as they are?’

Well, you don't, you never do.

You try internet dating, or something else which will be ok with you and you continue till you meet the right bloke.

There is someone out there who will be compatible with you, you just haven't met them yet. This is so true, but it is so difficult to make people believe it.

tesuhoha

My point is that if a woman is looking for a man then they need to be in places where they can meet men. It may sound obvious but maybe if this lady has not met anyone perhaps she is not out and about as much as she could be.