Issue with Brother

lady1964

Sadly, he doesn't seem to be into any of us, he didn't even send our parents a Xmas card, never mind anything else, imo, that's worse than not sending us a Xmas card..........

I will try, if I get time, to contact him again in the morning but quite honestly, with all that we have to do, saying good-bye to our 3 lovely dd's, finish our packing, shower etc & get ready for a taxi at 11am, a trip to Heathrow followed by a 10 hour flight, he will be low down on my to do list.

Thanks anyway!

red_devil

aliasojo wrote: »

I'm not saying she should.

However I personally feel it is never wise to base life decisions on a potentially unfirm basis and I was simply pointing out that basing her decision on the fact she never got a reply to a text was perhaps not the best thing to do, given the potential for other issues to cause difficulty.

How many times op has he arranged to see you or rang you lately?

base it on that?

Violetta_2

No advice re brother's (had my moment's with my own, decided I'd shed enough tears over him & are getting on better now) but just wanted to wish you good luck with the move, hope it goes well.

jungle_jane

bleurgh i absolutely loathe cards. All my close friends and relatives know this and - happily for me - they don't buy them for me. In return, I know that some of my friends love that sort of thing and therefore I happily buy cards for them - heck I even know which friend likes which type of card. Some go for jokey, some for poetry etc...

I think that part of close relationships is finding out where people stand on gifts, cards, flowers etc - that way there is none of the social awkwardness as is happening with the OP.

hcb42

I dont get hung up on cards either.

My mother always did, and it was such a stresser....the whole relationship with others depended on cards.

Unfortunately my big sister appears to have caught this bug, she cut me and my younger sister off totally without warning three years ago(because she was asked to do somrthing for the family she was in control of), after a very close relationship (we are in our 40s) but then sends a card at xmas 8 months later...bizarre!

hubbys family are totally erratic, and we dont send cards to those over 18 in general, unless 21 etc...although I have sent xmas cards and use facebook daily so we are constantly in contact

*Louise*

I only send Christmas cars etc because it's 'expected' of me and certain people will moan if I don't.

Birthday cards are different, I have to admit- it's nice to show someone you have remembered their birthday, but I resent how so often it falls to the woman in the relationship to be the one who has to do it all. Why us? Men are let off with it because 'well, men don't really do cards'...we are even making their excuses for them.

My dad said if my mum goes before him, none of us will ever get a card again. My kids have only started receiving cards from my brother since he got married last year. Hopefully I can train my own sons - so far they have done their Christmas thank you cards but of course they needed prompted (well they are only 6 and 12:rotfl:)


OP - stop sending money/vouchers if it bothers you. It would annoy me not to get a thank you tbh. Just send a card to let them know you have remembered and leave it at that. After all, it's not the kids' fault. Get in touch via facebook/email or whatever direct route of communication you can, it will save you having to go through their parents all the time.

duchy

Hope the move goes well
I've had texts sent on NYE arrive up to 24 hours later before now -not to mention at the time you sent it on NYE he could have been out and not even heard the alert and missed it later. It happens.

If you have his address you could write him a real letter -with photos of your new place -and in it slip in that you're thinking of him and the bit about him making his choices and all you want is for him to be happy in his life.

I'm rubbish with cards too-doesn't mean I don't care -although I'd never ring family up grumbling they had forgotten my son's birthday (well apart from his Dad ). A gift is only a gift if it is given unprompted anyway.

Sooki

Reading through the posts, your brother sounds depressed and this is probably why he's out of contact.

If he's not working at the moment, why not invite him to yours for a few days (if practical) so you can spend some time together before you move.

lady1964

Sooki wrote: »

Reading through the posts, your brother sounds depressed and this is probably why he's out of contact.

If he's not working at the moment, why not invite him to yours for a few days (if practical) so you can spend some time together before you move.

Not practical, we go today but thanks for the suggestion.

To respond to Red Devil, I can't remember the last time my brother phoned, text or emailed me and I last saw him in July at our great niece's christening.

euronorris

red_devil wrote: »

if they are rubbish perhaps a gift to them could be a diary with all the dates in it.

I have one of them, but it's just sat on a shelf gathering dust.

Thankfully, my memory isn't as bad as my OH's and I generally remember who's Birthday is in each month and I used to call my Mum to check which days exactly! :rotfl:She came up with the solution of putting all the family Birthday's in an Excel spreadsheet, and that works much better for me! I still manage to forget one or two though. Oh, that reminds me, BIL's is Sunday, must go on Moonpig today.

Back to OP - I don't think this is about cards, it's about your relationship with your brother, and the cards are just a focal point.

I see he's gone through a lot, and your family have all been there to support him. You probably feel that the least he can do is make a little effort to stay in contact, right? Well, I have to say, the bahaviour you've described sounds like depression and when that happens it can be quite typical for the sufferer to withdraw themselves socially.

If I am right, then you focusing on the cards when he's in the midst of depression and trying to get his life back on track probably seems hugely petty to him.

So, tough as it is, if you want to maintain contact, I think it will be you who will need to put the majority of the effort in at the moment. You can always say something like 'we've noticed you haven't been in contact with the family much lately, is everything OK? Is there anything you need our help and support with?". It may, or may not, get him to open up a little and then you could give him a gentle push in the direction of help (ie, doctor).