Issue with Brother

lady1964

I'll try to keep this as brief as I can and hope I don't end up rambling!

My younger brother (he's 41) has never been brilliant at sending birthday cards for me, OH & 3 dd's. Before he got married, he usually remembered and he used to put a bit of cash in their card (worried me as he always put them in the post).
Fast forward to 2000 when he got married and the arrival of cards became pretty erratic, often after the non arrival of a card, I would phone him as I was worried about cards going missing knowing he'd usually put cash in. The answer I usually got was 'oh she (wife) has posted it' the card would then arrive 2 or 3 days later postmarked the day I phoned! Then one dd would get a card, 2 wouldn't - generally the 2 who didn't are the ones who have December birthdays.
Sometimes I got a card, sometimes I didn't. It's fair to say, all this time, I would send him, wife, & their 4 kids cards every year.
Then about 4 years ago, dd didn't get a card and it was my nephew's 18th birthday a week later, had party so I thought Brother would bring card to his party to give her. No, he didn't, so I mentioned to him and I got a mouthful about how many birthdays they have to remember - same for us too - I asked him to go apologise to her for not sending a card, he refused but unbeknown to me, wife had gone out during the party, bought a card, stuck a tenner in it and given it to my dd.
Couple of years later, he & wife get divorced. He moved into his own flat so all cards to his kids I sent to his place to give to kids (reason for this is I suspect the vouchers I sent the year he moved out were spent by her on her).
Since he got divorced, my dd's haven't received a card, either on their birthday or Xmas. They haven't received a gift, a text or anything either. I have continued to send his kids cards & vouchers for birthday & Xmas, and rarely receive a thank you or even a text to say they have received them.
So, this year, rightly or wrongly, I didn't sent birthday cards, but felt guilty at Xmas, so chose good vouchers for them and left them with my sister for him to collect (he lives near her but about 60 miles from me). He has got the vouchers but I have yet to receive a thank you text or call from him or the kids, who are 15, 10, 8 & 6 so at least 2 are old enough to email, text or phone.
I am pretty annoyed now and am seriously considering not bothering with Xmas either next year. OH & I are moving overseas to live next month and we've not even received a text or email to say good luck or anything.
I know money is really tight, he lost his job this year so I don't expect any money or vouchers from him but surely a card? A nice card in Card Factory can be as cheap as 29p, a stamp is what 35p? So well under a pound to send us a card each on our birthday....
BTW, he does this with my sister's 2 ds's as well, they haven't received cards for a long time and get nothing at Xmas. When my great niece was born in May, I don't think they even got a card from him then!!!

What would people here do? I know 2 wrongs don't make a right but this is really bothering me and I would really appreciate thoughts on this issue! Thanks

marywooyeah

probably not what you want to hear but sounds like he only used to send cards when you'd ring up asking where yours (and "your" money) where and I think it was quite rude of you to go up to him at someone else's party and ask where the cards were - he was quite right to say that he has a lot of birthdays to remember and your whole post has this sense of entitlement for yourself and children as to cards and money, and you're considering not sending to his kids because they haven't said thankyou or sent you anything back. You're within your rights not to send to them if they don't even acknowledge your gift - this is why I don't send a lot of people presents anymore, but overall I think you should stop seeing it as if you are owed something.

thatgirlsam

One of my brothers doesn't send a card to me or my kids on birthdays/xmas, he just doesn't think.. I know he loves us all he just isn't organised like that

I still give him gifts... You shouldn't give to receive

But he wouldn't care if I didn't, he knows damn well we love him!

Don't take offence but at your ages you should stop this petty squabbling about who gets who cards and just do whatever you want to do!

I think not giving to your neices and nephews because your brother forgets/can't be bothered to get you or your kids cards is very petty

Torry_Quine

marywooyeah wrote: »

probably not what you want to hear but sounds like he only used to send cards when you'd ring up asking where yours (and "your" money) where and I think it was quite rude of you to go up to him at someone else's party and ask where the cards were - he was quite right to say that he has a lot of birthdays to remember and your whole post has this sense of entitlement for yourself and children as to cards and money, and you're considering not sending to his kids because they haven't said thankyou or sent you anything back. You're within your rights not to send to them if they don't even acknowledge your gift - this is why I don't send a lot of people presents anymore, but overall I think you should stop seeing it as if you are owed something.

A lot of good points there. Give to your brother's children if you want but that should not be linked with whether he gives back in return.

Debbie_A_3

It sounds to me like he is clueless or completely disorganised (or maybe both). If you retaliate then either he won't notice or, if he does, then any vestiges of guilt may then evaporate from his consciousness. I doubt that it will bother him. Might bother his children, though. Yes, two are old enough to email, but mine are of a similar age and they do need nudging to write their thank-you notes. If you stop sending the gifts then you might lose all contact with them after you move overseas. Do you want this?

This is what I would do (and especially if I were moving overseas)

Make contact with the older children directly. Either an email address, mobile number (or better still - for the eldest - via the dreadful facebook). You are more likely to get a reply that way. Send them messages at birthdays and Christmas. For the youger two, I would send messages via the 15-year old if they are trustworthy.

Send the kids an electronic voucher at birthdays and christmas. e.g., for Amazon.co.uk. It's easy and costs nothing in (international) postage.

I would continue to send your brother an email / facebook message at birthday and christmas time, but don't bother with gifts. Treat anything that comes back as a bonus.

Good luck with the move. Exciting!
Debbie

seven-day-weekend

Don't see what the problem is with the cards personally, it's no big deal.

paulwellerfan

i sent cards and money to my sister kids till they were 18 then i didnt bother
same as she doesnt send my kids cards or presents.
we all love each other none the less
just that we dont need to send a card once a year to ' show it '
dont stress about the little things in life.
( by the way my mom also used to send the grand kids cards, but she was upset that they didnt grovel and say thank you, so she stopped none of us lost any sleep over the whole matter)

thatgirlsam

paulwellerfan wrote: »

i sent cards and money to my sister kids till they were 18 then i didnt bother
same as she doesnt send my kids cards or presents.
we all love each other none the less
just that we dont need to send a card once a year to ' show it '
dont stress about the little things in life.
( by the way my mom also used to send the grand kids cards, but she was upset that they didnt grovel and say thank you, so she stopped none of us lost any sleep over the whole matter)

I like this :):)

lady1964

The reason I used to phone him about my dd's cards was because he used to put cash in the card and I would be concerned that it had been stolen and he would have sent money that my kids didn't get (this happened with vouchers my aunt sent one Xmas, she phoned to ask if they had arrived as I hadn't called her to say they had) so that stuck in my mind. It was clear he & the wife only sent cards because I had phoned due to my concerns.
As for the party, I took him quietly to one side to mention the birthday card, I didn't want a row, it was for the same reason as already mentioned above. I don't see my brother very often, he lives 60 miles away and admitedly, we're both poor at keeping in touch.
My kids now don't expect anything from him at all and we know he isn't working so even more reason not to expect anything. I would far rather he spent what money he has got on his own kids than mine & so would they. The only thing I feel we're owed is a thank you for taking the trouble to send them a well thought out gift. He was brought up the same as my sister & I, that is to thank people for their gifts and use the manners that we were brought up with.
I really don't think I have a sense of entitlement, I'm really not bothered about getting a birthday card, I'm more bothered that my kids don't get one tbh. To add, when he got divorced, some in my family were going to stop sending his step-son anything for his birthday or Xmas - I was the only one to say he should not be excluded as we had considered him family during their marriage and was still family now.
I'm still undecided what to do tbh, I know it seems petty and mean to not send his kids cards and I don't like myself for it, I suppose in a stupid way I'm trying to make a point to him but I think I'm wasting my time and it goes right over his head. As I already said, I know two wrongs don't make a right.
However, I have a few months to think about what I will do for the birthdays coming up next year.
BTW, my sister feels the same as I do about it all and she certainly does not have a 'sense of entitlement' and feel she's owed anything, neither do I, other than a thank you for the gift, as I've already said.

meritaten

hun - while you are hung up on cards etc - your bro has had a lot to deal with by the sounds of it. a relationship gone sour and divorce etc. plus he may not be the type of person who sets store on cards. before he married he may have been reminded to by a parent - I used to remind my sons about cards etc for family members as otherwise they wouldnt have sent them! cut him some slack!

tanith

The men in our family just don't do cards, they don't remember , can't be bothered whatever I gave up many years ago wondering why... I don't let it bother anymore..