Issue with Brother

lady1964

Thanks for the comments

Before he married his ex, he was ok about cards, he usually used to remember, probably because my mum gave him a calender with everyone's birthday on it

When he got married, I suppose I expected his wife to do the cards etc, it's what all the women in my family and OH's family have always done. If a card didn't get sent, it would be because I hadn't sent it, no-one else. I guess I thought she would do the same.
When they got divorced, for the first year, he did remember, we all commented on it in fact. He's been divorced for 2 years now and I do know he's not dealt with it very well at all and losing his job devastated him. Perhaps I am letting it bother me far more than it should, even my dd's know they won't receive a card.
I don't have contact numbers for any of his kids - when they split, his ex wife wouldn't even give my parents their number, never mind me & my sister. I don't want to add the eldest boy on FB as I don't want his ex knowing my business and I don't have email addresses for them either. When we do see his kids (last time was in July) they always give us a hug & kiss and he always used to get the kids to phone to say thanks for their birthday/Xmas gifts and we'd have a lovely chat.
My brother doesn't have a computer or laptop, we used to email via his work address but that's not possible anymore. He has changed his mobile number (no landline) and I don't have his new one - mine has been the same for years so it would be nice to have got a text on Xmas day. I should get his new number from my mum. She only speaks to him sporadically and only if she calls him.
I need to stop over-thinking this issue and think about it in April when the next birthday in his family is.
Thanks for the comments, some are very interesting.

mum2twinsx2

thatgirlsam wrote: »

One of my brothers doesn't send a card to me or my kids on birthdays/xmas, he just doesn't think.. I know he loves us all he just isn't organised like that

I still give him gifts... You shouldn't give to receive

But he wouldn't care if I didn't, he knows damn well we love him!

Don't take offence but at your ages you should stop this petty squabbling about who gets who cards and just do whatever you want to do!

I think not giving to your neices and nephews because your brother forgets/can't be bothered to get you or your kids cards is very petty

I agree.
Also, you said yourself he does not have a job 60p a £ is alot, when you dont have alot. Few of my friends have not got a job at the moment, and literally every last £ is accounted for.

Mojisola

lady1964 wrote: »

it's what all the women in my family and OH's family have always done. If a card didn't get sent, it would be because I hadn't sent it, no-one else.

So your OH wouldn't send cards - it's all down to you. I think you're being a bit tough on your brother when you're accepting of your OH not taking responsibility for remembering birthdays.

meritaten

lady1964 wrote: »

Thanks for the comments

Before he married his ex, he was ok about cards, he usually used to remember, probably because my mum gave him a calender with everyone's birthday on it

When he got married, I suppose I expected his wife to do the cards etc, it's what all the women in my family and OH's family have always done. If a card didn't get sent, it would be because I hadn't sent it, no-one else. I guess I thought she would do the same.
When they got divorced, for the first year, he did remember, we all commented on it in fact. He's been divorced for 2 years now and I do know he's not dealt with it very well at all and losing his job devastated him. Perhaps I am letting it bother me far more than it should, even my dd's know they won't receive a card.
I don't have contact numbers for any of his kids - when they split, his ex wife wouldn't even give my parents their number, never mind me & my sister. I don't want to add the eldest boy on FB as I don't want his ex knowing my business and I don't have email addresses for them either. When we do see his kids (last time was in July) they always give us a hug & kiss and he always used to get the kids to phone to say thanks for their birthday/Xmas gifts and we'd have a lovely chat.
My brother doesn't have a computer or laptop, we used to email via his work address but that's not possible anymore. He has changed his mobile number (no landline) and I don't have his new one - mine has been the same for years so it would be nice to have got a text on Xmas day. I should get his new number from my mum. She only speaks to him sporadically and only if she calls him.
I need to stop over-thinking this issue and think about it in April when the next birthday in his family is.
Thanks for the comments, some are very interesting.

there you go hun - he got reminders and prob the year after he got divorced he didnt change the calendar!
you dont even have his phone number and you expect cards?
Hun, I have agonised over saying this - but I WILL say it - you are stressing about cards and you dont even seem to know how your bro is doing! No contact and you are complaining your bro hasnt sent CARDS! Oh yes leave it until April - when you NEXT think about him? Dont you CARE at all about him? he has been going through a bad time and you post about how he hasnt sent any cards!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tropez

Some people are just rubbish at remembering dates and sending cards out. This year, for example, I managed to forget my own birthday and I always have difficulties remembering the exact date of one of my closest friends.

Also, there's a lot of people these days who just don't bother with cards. My friends and I don't tend to send xmas cards and so if he has similar friends, if he doesn't go shopping for cards for them he may well forget about others who may be more accustomed to giving and receiving cards.

To me, it sounds like in the past he has made an effort but due to the changes in his life things have slipped his mind and may simply be forgetting things he was already rather forgetful of. If you don't want to send him and his kids cards then that's fair enough but you shouldn't feel that it is only worth sending one in order to get one back.

Mupette

geese hate to think what you thought of me then.

I forget, i have bad memory, although i write things down it doesn't always work for me (MS, brain doesn't work)

but before any of us knew i was ill with this, i was just as forgetful, one friend has 3 children and it's only her firstborn i remember, she doesn't hold it against me, doesn't call me to ask if i had sent a card.

Seems petty to fall out just because he doesn't send cards, really.

I didn't send all my friends Christmas cards either, probably about 10 people or less got a card...
just couldn't be bothered with it this year, OH didn't get me a Christmas card.. am i bothered, am i heck.

lady1964

meritaten wrote: »

there you go hun - he got reminders and prob the year after he got divorced he didnt change the calendar!
you dont even have his phone number and you expect cards?
Hun, I have agonised over saying this - but I WILL say it - you are stressing about cards and you dont even seem to know how your bro is doing! No contact and you are complaining your bro hasnt sent CARDS! Oh yes leave it until April - when you NEXT think about him? Dont you CARE at all about him? he has been going through a bad time and you post about how he hasnt sent any cards!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I resent that. I admit I don't have an up to date number for him, but he hasn't texted me to give it to me, my number hasn't been changed for years! He didn't pick up his son's birthday present from our sisters house for 3 months - he lives about 4 miles away from her, didn't call her once in this time. He doesn't call our parents, doesn't text them, they only speak to him when they call him, it's a two way street to my way of thinking.
We supported him as much as we could when he split from his ex, we had him to stay, gave him money, offered him to stay whenever he wanted, even offered to pay his fare (he lives about 60 miles away from us). Our parents have given him money, paid his fare for him to stay with them and we have all supported him during and since his divorce.
Of course I will think about him before April, maybe I didn't post it very well but I certainly didn't mean that I wouldn't think about him until then, I meant I would think about the card issue again in April when the next birthday in his family is. We all care about him dearly but he seems to have cut himself off from us all and we think it's because he may be getting back with his ex. I admit none of us like her, who would like a woman who cheats on her husband, gets pregnant by the person she had an ongoing affair with (baby wasn't my brothers as he'd had the snip), has a termination, let my brother support her through it, then threw him out a week before Xmas, stopped him seeing his kids, wouldn't let him have their new number, then divorced him for his unreasonable behaviour because her dad could afford to pay for the divorce and he couldn't???
He knows we don't want him to be hurt again, but we all accept it's his life and his choice to make. Maybe that's why he's cut himself off, we don't know because he doesn't keep much contact and when he does, he doesn't mention his ex or what's happening. Fair enough, as I say, it's his choice and he knows we won't like it but he's a grown up and we make our own choices.
I will get his number from my mum and call him before we move as I don't want to lose contact with him or his kids but as I say, it's a two way street but will be very difficult when I move overseas as he has no computer for me to email/facebook him and only contact will be via our parents and pigeon post.
He could actually use the laptop his kids were bought last Xmas if he wanted though, two way street seems to be one way.
I won't be stressing about cards anymore that's for sure.

dirtysexymonkey

lady1964 wrote: »

I resent that. I admit I don't have an up to date number for him, but he hasn't texted me to give it to me, my number hasn't been changed for years! He didn't pick up his son's birthday present from our sisters house for 3 months - he lives about 4 miles away from her, didn't call her once in this time. He doesn't call our parents, doesn't text them, they only speak to him when they call him, it's a two way street to my way of thinking.
We supported him as much as we could when he split from his ex, we had him to stay, gave him money, offered him to stay whenever he wanted, even offered to pay his fare (he lives about 60 miles away from us). Our parents have given him money, paid his fare for him to stay with them and we have all supported him during and since his divorce.
Of course I will think about him before April, maybe I didn't post it very well but I certainly didn't mean that I wouldn't think about him until then, I meant I would think about the card issue again in April when the next birthday in his family is. We all care about him dearly but he seems to have cut himself off from us all and we think it's because he may be getting back with his ex. I admit none of us like her, who would like a woman who cheats on her husband, gets pregnant by the person she had an ongoing affair with (baby wasn't my brothers as he'd had the snip), has a termination, let my brother support her through it, then threw him out a week before Xmas, stopped him seeing his kids, wouldn't let him have their new number, then divorced him for his unreasonable behaviour because her dad could afford to pay for the divorce and he couldn't???
He knows we don't want him to be hurt again, but we all accept it's his life and his choice to make. Maybe that's why he's cut himself off, we don't know because he doesn't keep much contact and when he does, he doesn't mention his ex or what's happening. Fair enough, as I say, it's his choice and he knows we won't like it but he's a grown up and we make our own choices.
I will get his number from my mum and call him before we move as I don't want to lose contact with him or his kids but as I say, it's a two way street but will be very difficult when I move overseas as he has no computer for me to email/facebook him and only contact will be via our parents and pigeon post.
He could actually use the laptop his kids were bought last Xmas if he wanted though, two way street seems to be one way.
I won't be stressing about cards anymore that's for sure.

please dont feel the need to justify yourself, least of all to that poster.:)

lady1964

Mojisola wrote: »

So your OH wouldn't send cards - it's all down to you. I think you're being a bit tough on your brother when you're accepting of your OH not taking responsibility for remembering birthdays.

It's not that he wouldn't, we've just always worked it that I send cards. We've been married for 24 years and for the first 14 years of our marriage, I didn't go out to work so it was easier for me to go to the shop for cards etc. When I did go back to work, I worked in the town centre, so easy for me to nip out to get cards etc. He worked in fairly isolated spots so not so easy for him. If I asked him to pick up cards on a weekend, he would happily do it.
Maybe I'm old fashioned but that's how my mum and MIL do it, my sister does it, my SIL does it, it's just what we do and I make no apology for that.

red_devil

Tropez wrote: »

Some people are just rubbish at remembering dates and sending cards out. This year, for example, I managed to forget my own birthday and I always have difficulties remembering the exact date of one of my closest friends.

Also, there's a lot of people these days who just don't bother with cards. My friends and I don't tend to send xmas cards and so if he has similar friends, if he doesn't go shopping for cards for them he may well forget about others who may be more accustomed to giving and receiving cards.

To me, it sounds like in the past he has made an effort but due to the changes in his life things have slipped his mind and may simply be forgetting things he was already rather forgetful of. If you don't want to send him and his kids cards then that's fair enough but you shouldn't feel that it is only worth sending one in order to get one back.

if they are rubbish perhaps a gift to them could be a diary with all the dates in it.