Issue with Brother

red_devil

mum2twinsx2 wrote: »

I agree.
Also, you said yourself he does not have a job 60p a £ is alot, when you dont have alot. Few of my friends have not got a job at the moment, and literally every last £ is accounted for.

you can get 5 cards for quid now its hardly alot

lady1964

Tropez wrote: »

Some people are just rubbish at remembering dates and sending cards out. This year, for example, I managed to forget my own birthday and I always have difficulties remembering the exact date of one of my closest friends.

Also, there's a lot of people these days who just don't bother with cards. My friends and I don't tend to send xmas cards and so if he has similar friends, if he doesn't go shopping for cards for them he may well forget about others who may be more accustomed to giving and receiving cards.

To me, it sounds like in the past he has made an effort but due to the changes in his life things have slipped his mind and may simply be forgetting things he was already rather forgetful of. If you don't want to send him and his kids cards then that's fair enough but you shouldn't feel that it is only worth sending one in order to get one back.

I certainly don't send one in order to receive. As I pointed out in an earlier post, my dd's haven't received a card loads of times but I continued to send to his. It's the lack of a thank you that bothers me more than anything. Also, he'll quite rightly take his kids out to buy Mother's Day cards for their mum but then doesn't send our mum one - thoughtless or forgetful??

We all have a lot going on in our lives, I can be forgetful so I have a calendar with everyone's birthdays/anniversaries on it. My OH & dd's take the mickey out of me for always doing lists, but that's how I remember things. I have a diary and also set up an outlook diary on my netbook to remind me of events coming up.

Kay_Peel

I have real difficulty understanding people who put so much store by birthday cards. I have even more difficulty understanding people who pressurise and harass their friends and relatives into sending cards. No-one in my family gets a birthday card after the age of 18 but they get a phone call if they are close family, instead. My SIL however, continues to send cards to all and sundry as well as reminders of her children's birthdays (they are all hunking great adults) - and then gets upset when no-one reciprocates. Despite her pressure and emotional blackmail, we (the rest of the family) will not conform to her way of doing things and will make our own rules, thank you very much.

OP, you need to appreciate that not everyone shares your view on the importance of cards.

dibuzz

In all the years we were married I never got a card or present from my ex.
The time it hurt me most was my first Mother's Day, I'd spent ages buying lovely gifts and making cards for both our mums and when they asked what I'd got I had to say "nothing", his reply was "you didn't expect me to get you anything did you?" erm no I thought my 10 month old son was going to crawl to the shop when I wasn't looking. I don't know how he thought his then 1 month old son had bought him a Father's Day present.
It didn't help that his mum threw the card I mde her in the bin as she wanted a "proper shop bought one"
I suppose cards mean different things to different people and they find it hard to understand the "other" way.
If you have to prompt somebody to buy you something it's not going to mean the same anyway.

red_devil

Kay_Peel wrote: »

I have real difficulty understanding people who put so much store by birthday cards. I have even more difficulty understanding people who pressurise and harass their friends and relatives into sending cards. No-one in my family gets a birthday card after the age of 18 but they get a phone call if they are close family, instead. My SIL however, continues to send cards to all and sundry as well as reminders of her children's birthdays (they are all hunking great adults) - and then gets upset when no-one reciprocates. Despite her pressure and emotional blackmail, we (the rest of the family) will not conform to her way of doing things and will make our own rules, thank you very much.

OP, you need to appreciate that not everyone shares your view on the importance of cards.

its nice to send cards it makes people feel special and feel like they are thought of you know. You dont stop wanting to feel that when you are 18 .

Steel_2

lady1964 wrote: »

When he got married, I suppose I expected his wife to do the cards etc, it's what all the women in my family and OH's family have always done. If a card didn't get sent, it would be because I hadn't sent it, no-one else. I guess I thought she would do the same.

Please don't assume this.

When my husband and I got married I was handed a huge list of birthdays and anniversaries by my mother-in-law as I "would be doing them now". I was offended and handed it straight to him in front of her. He was 45 when we married, had always sent his own out and was perfectly capable of continuing to do so. I work 60 hours a week and have enough to do.

It's not my job just because I'm somebody's wife. My husband's hands weren't cut off when we exchanged vows.

You're trying to force someone to live up to your ideas of how things should be done on the basis that you do it, your mother does it, your MIL does it, your sister does it and your SIL does it.

Your brother doesn't do it. Like most men, he can't be bothered. Take the hint and don't bother back. He won't give a stuff.

Tropez

red_devil wrote: »

if they are rubbish perhaps a gift to them could be a diary with all the dates in it.

Perhaps, but it depends whether they'll actually read the diary. If you're not used to regularly using a diary then you'll quickly stop checking it regularly.

lady1964 wrote: »

I certainly don't send one in order to receive. As I pointed out in an earlier post, my dd's haven't received a card loads of times but I continued to send to his. It's the lack of a thank you that bothers me more than anything. Also, he'll quite rightly take his kids out to buy Mother's Day cards for their mum but then doesn't send our mum one - thoughtless or forgetful??

It could be one or the other, it could be both. It is difficult to guess as I don't know anything about your brother or his relationship with his mother.

If you're upset because you're not being given a thank you then I'd simply stop sending them because it isn't worth getting upset about on the scale of things. As you say, at least one of the children is of an age where they could be sending their own thank you messages.

We all have a lot going on in our lives, I can be forgetful so I have a calendar with everyone's birthdays/anniversaries on it. My OH & dd's take the mickey out of me for always doing lists, but that's how I remember things. I have a diary and also set up an outlook diary on my netbook to remind me of events coming up.

Some people just aren't that organised though. I wouldn't fair very well with a diary as I'd simply forget to check it.

And it is true that most people have things going on in their lives but it is hard sometimes to understand how people can be affected by events. Some people are able to shrug things off and continue normally relatively easy, others not so.

lady1964

I no longer call my brother when a card doesn't arrive.

I probably do set a bit too much store in the receiving of cards but I like to send one to show we are thinking of them. For family & close friends, I text as well and phone if they are direct family, parents, sister etc.

It's been interesting to see what other people think, I was a bit taken aback by some responses but realise we aren't all the same. I will no longer stress out about this and now I see that I have probably made a bit too much of it. I have bigger things to worry about now, what with preparing to move overseas and all that is involved in doing that.

I'm disappointed that my posts may indicate to some that I'm uncaring and petty. I do feel like I've been petty but not uncaring :sad: We're not a big family so we all care very much about the family we do have.

red_devil

lady1964 wrote: »

I no longer call my brother when a card doesn't arrive.

I probably do set a bit too much store in the receiving of cards but I like to send one to show we are thinking of them. For family & close friends, I text as well and phone if they are direct family, parents, sister etc.

It's been interesting to see what other people think, I was a bit taken aback by some responses but realise we aren't all the same. I will no longer stress out about this and now I see that I have probably made a bit too much of it. I have bigger things to worry about now, what with preparing to move overseas and all that is involved in doing that.

I'm disappointed that my posts may indicate to some that I'm uncaring and petty. I do feel like I've been petty but not uncaring :sad: We're not a big family so we all care very much about the family we do have.

you havent made too much of it you have done whats right for you and it shows you care.

i cant believe some people say a person shouldnt get a card after they are 18. So we stop caring about people when they are 18 do we??

lady1964

Steel wrote: »

Please don't assume this.

When my husband and I got married I was handed a huge list of birthdays and anniversaries by my mother-in-law as I "would be doing them now". I was offended and handed it straight to him in front of her. He was 45 when we married, had always sent his own out and was perfectly capable of continuing to do so. I work 60 hours a week and have enough to do.

It's not my job just because I'm somebody's wife. My husband's hands weren't cut off when we exchanged vows.

You're trying to force someone to live up to your ideas of how things should be done on the basis that you do it, your mother does it, your MIL does it, your sister does it and your SIL does it.

Your brother doesn't do it. Like most men, he can't be bothered. Take the hint and don't bother back. He won't give a stuff.

My expectation was clearly too high as far as ex SIL goes & cards.

OH was 24 when we got married, I was 23 and went from my mum sending cards to having to do it myself. I don't mind, I'm more organised than OH and I didn't work 60 hours a week. As I said in my post that you didn't quote, I didn't go out to work, so had time and didn't mind.

I don't consider myself trying to force someone to live up to my ideas, I just had too high an expectation. After a couple of years I realised that my ex SIL wasn't going to be the same, no massive biggie. Over the course of reading responses, I'm not so sure it is about the non sending of cards anymore, I think it's more about the lack of manners shown.