Issue with Brother

Steel_2

red_devil wrote: »

its nice to send cards it makes people feel special and feel like they are thought of you know. You dont stop wanting to feel that when you are 18 .

That's because cards make YOU feel special.

Cards do not register with me on any level and I don't really care if I get them or not. I don't feel special or otherwise if I get one. I have a fairly healthy sense of self esteem that doesn't automatically question my worth by the presence of a card or number or quality of them I get.

If someone doesn't send one to me, they'll be lucky if I notice.

My mother on the other hand will go through every card I get (I get, not that she gets) and 'notes' who hasn't sent one and which look 'cheap' or 'thoughtless'. Hallmark get extra brownie points, as do sickly poems.

I tell her frequently she has too much time on her hands.

EDITED to add: Here's an idea OP. Next time, why don't you buy a gift for them from somewhere like World Vision? Someone in the third world gets a gift of chicken or a tent or a pack that gives them clean water, and world Vision send a card to you recipient telling them that's what you've bought them. My sister does this every year from my niece and nephew and I get sent a fridge magnet to remind me of what someone has received. I think the last one was alpaca dung for a farmer :-)))

That way, they can learn about the real gift of giving and you know that there are appreciative people in the world who are really thankful for your gift. Your nieces and nephews and brother etc won't thank you - guarantee it - but if they are as unappreciative as you believe they are, do some good on their behalf.

adelight

Send him an e-card and maybe he will send one to your kids next time as they can be free and are very easy. It sounds like he's just forgetful and doesn't think to do it rather than he is intentionally not doing it. Maybe before his wife he had more time but now he's more stressed about no job/kids?
Some of my dad's family don't bother, some because they are just not in that family habit and forget (no kids, unconventional lifestyle) but they are still nice when you see them, others because... i don't know. One family don't even bother to go to the grandparents on christmas day like all the rest of the family do, they live less than a mile away but stay at home on facebook instead. My mum stills leaves little presents for them to collect (usually after easter ha!) because she says it's not the kids fault their parents won't take them to visit or send cards.

2sides2everystory

lady1964 wrote: »

Maybe I'm old fashioned but that's how my mum and MIL do it, my sister does it, my SIL does it, it's just what we do and I make no apology for that.

Er ... your brother's a he. I'm a he. Whilst we respond instantly to gentle reminders from those we love, we tend not to think very much about card sending habits and we think even less about women that nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag after a safe distance is achieved

red_devil

Steel wrote: »

That's because cards make YOU feel special.

. I have a fairly healthy sense of self esteem that doesn't automatically question my worth by the presence of a card or number or quality of them I get.



so people who like to receive a card have low self esteem then?

Steel_2

red_devil wrote: »

Steel wrote: »

That's because cards make YOU feel special.

. I have a fairly healthy sense of self esteem that doesn't automatically question my worth by the presence of a card or number or quality of them I get.



so people who like to receive a card have low self esteem then?

Yes, because as you said in your original quote, a card makes them feel special.

A bit of card from someone really shouldn't do that.

It shouldn't take external validation from someone to feel special.

Why can't someone just feel special without the cards and the presents? why can't they accept they are in others hearts and loved?

Why can't we just love people and that's that?

Torry_Quine

[QUOTE=red_devil;49665371__so_people_who_like_to_receive_a_card_have_low_self_esteem_then?[/QUOTE]

I'm like you in that I really love to receive cards and send them to anyone in my family and close friends when they have a birthday or anniversary. Some of them only get the one from me and they appreciate that someone is thinking of them on their special day. It does rankle a bit with me if someone stops sending me a card.

I do agree though that on the whole it seems to be women in the family who send them. My husband never sent his mother a card on mother's day but I guarantee if I didn't send from us I would be in big trouble!

lady1964

adelight wrote: »

Send him an e-card and maybe he will send one to your kids next time as they can be free and are very easy. It sounds like he's just forgetful and doesn't think to do it rather than he is intentionally not doing it. Maybe before his wife he had more time but now he's more stressed about no job/kids?
Some of my dad's family don't bother, some because they are just not in that family habit and forget (no kids, unconventional lifestyle) but they are still nice when you see them, others because... i don't know. One family don't even bother to go to the grandparents on christmas day like all the rest of the family do, they live less than a mile away but stay at home on facebook instead. My mum stills leaves little presents for them to collect (usually after easter ha!) because she says it's not the kids fault their parents won't take them to visit or send cards.

I can't send him an e-card as he doesn't have a computer at his home.

I'm not sure if he's just forgetful or whether it is that he's more stressed. Our parents have actually said to me that they feel that if it doesn't involve his kids, then it just doesn't register with him. It's as if he forgets he has a bigger family than just his own kids, which is fair enough.
They are disappointed and hurt that they don't get a card or an occasional phone call initiated by him and that hurts me too as they are wonderful parents and have been very supportive. They loaned them both money in the lead up to their wedding on the promise that a direct debit would be set up to pay it back. Out of a couple of k that they lent them, they got about £100 back.
Our parents always made us sit down after our birthday & Xmas to write thank you notes, my sister & I did it with our kids too, and he wasn't brought up any differently. It's common courtesy to thank someone for a gift in my book and it's not extended by him to anyone. We used to post vouchers for his kids and not even know if they had received them. We only know he definately got them this year as my parents handed them to him.

lady1964

Torry_Quine wrote: »

I'm like you in that I really love to receive cards and send them to anyone in my family and close friends when they have a birthday or anniversary. Some of them only get the one from me and they appreciate that someone is thinking of them on their special day. It does rankle a bit with me if someone stops sending me a card.

I do agree though that on the whole it seems to be women in the family who send them. My husband never sent his mother a card on mother's day but I guarantee if I didn't send from us I would be in big trouble!

For some unfathomable reason that I still can't explain, I forgot to send my MIL a birthday card a couple of years ago. I remembered it was her birthday on the day itself. OH said oh we'll say we posted it, I said I couldn't do that and phoned her and owned up. She was very upset and I took all the blame yet it was my OH's Mum!! He did tell her it was as much his fault as mine but because I've always sent the cards/present, she knew it was me who had forgotten. I didn't hear the end of it for ages, the odd comment was passed for weeks. This was the first time in 23 years I had forgotten!
I have already bought her birthday card for March - mainly because I was queing up in Card Factory today and right by where I was standing was the rack with the special year cards, mum 60 etc. Both MIL and my mum are 70 next year and I'll be in Beijing on their birthdays, so I bought their cards, will write them before I move and ask my dd's to post at the right time. I will also organise flowers to be sent and sort out presents so they don't have to wait until I'm back in the UK in April.
My MIL in particular sets great store by the sending and receiving of cards and I wouldn't want her disappointed again.

red_devil

Steel wrote: »

red_devil wrote: »

Yes, because as you said in your original quote, a card makes them feel special.

A bit of card from someone really shouldn't do that.

It shouldn't take external validation from someone to feel special.

Why can't someone just feel special without the cards and the presents? why can't they accept they are in others hearts and loved?

Why can't we just love people and that's that?

its shows someone's been thinking of you if they go and choose a card especially if there are some nice words in there or a nice message.

You sound tight lazy or both. Whats wrong with sending someone a card and marking their special day.

red_devil

lady1964 wrote: »

I certainly don't send one in order to receive. As I pointed out in an earlier post, my dd's haven't received a card loads of times but I continued to send to his. It's the lack of a thank you that bothers me more than anything. Also, he'll quite rightly take his kids out to buy Mother's Day cards for their mum but then doesn't send our mum one - thoughtless or forgetful??

selfish it sounds, bet he likes a fathers day card?