Issue with Brother

mummyoftwomonkeys

Im afraid you will never change him :-( the only time we ever got cards off my brother was when he was married, I send him a Christmas card but he just sends one to dad and writes to dad and family in it and I live somewhere else with kids of my own, My b.i.l has never once sent me a birthday card I have been married to his bother now for nearly 6 years Im not to bothered about that but I do find it quite disgusting when he doesn't send his nephews a card, I think he may have given my eldest a gift one year and he was about when we went for a visit to granny for another birthday so he put his hand in his pocket and have him a tenner and I think he bought my youngest a teddy for his 1st birthday. His mother had a strop with me on her last birthday because I didn't wish her happy birthday over facebook! but I went out and bought her birthday cards from my husband and one from the kids but it is fine for her other son not to bother with anyone because "he doesn't do cards"

[Deleted User]

red_devil wrote: »

Do you know how awful that sounds they have other priorities! The family wont always be there see them and value them while you can.

agreed but it should be two way. Weddings and funerals and far fewer weddings these days. If they cannot be bothered than why bother for a funeral

lady1964

aliasojo wrote: »

I don't get all this 'tit for tat' business I'm afraid.

I thought sending cards was meant as a recognition of an event and as a method to convey your best wishes to someone.

Since when did it mean 'I willl send you a card to recognise the occasion and send you best wishes....only if you send one to me'.

OP, think about the actual people involved. Do you like them enough to send a card? If so, do it. If not, don't.

If it annoys you that much that your brother doesn't send you/yours one in return, then don't send him/his anymore, but don't keep badgering him about it all. That's just wrong imo.

Can I respectfully ask if you have read all my other posts properly?
I don't send a card only if one is sent to me. I've already said that I continued to send cards (up until this year) even though none of us, specifically my dd's, hadn't received any type of card so that's not the case.
I don't keep badgering him either, I gave up doing that when realisation dawned a couple of years ago when he stopped sending cards. I've already said why I called him about non arrival of cards, I'm not going to repeat it again.
I'm not sure why it's bothering me so much now, probably because I went to the effort of getting good gift vouchers for his kids, ensured they got them before I went on a 4 week trip to China (we're moving there next week) and we haven't so much as received a thank you from any of them. As we're moving, I don't want to lose touch with him totally but keeping in touch is a two way street and I don't feel like doing the one way traffic anymore. I will make one more effort to contact him before I go and see what response I get. If I don't get one at all then I will accept it and move on.

balletshoes

Torry_Quine wrote: »

A lot of good points there. Give to your brother's children if you want but that should not be linked with whether he gives back in return.

absolutely - if you want to give your nieces/nephews cards, give them cards. If you don't, don't. Accept that your brother doesn't have cards to his relatives as a high priority in life, and deal with it.

I haven't sent a card to my siblings on their birthdays for years, we don't give each other presents on birthdays or Christmas either. We still love each other and get on. My brother always has to be reminded to send his nieces/nephews a birthday card, if he wasn't prompted he just wouldn't remember. He did send a card late to my DD one year, but I didn't make a big deal out of it, and i don't think DD even noticed on her birthday.

aliasojo

lady1964 wrote: »

Can I respectfully ask if you have read all my other posts properly?
I don't send a card only if one is sent to me. I've already said that I continued to send cards (up until this year) even though none of us, specifically my dd's, hadn't received any type of card so that's not the case.
I don't keep badgering him either, I gave up doing that when realisation dawned a couple of years ago when he stopped sending cards. I've already said why I called him about non arrival of cards, I'm not going to repeat it again.
I'm not sure why it's bothering me so much now, probably because I went to the effort of getting good gift vouchers for his kids, ensured they got them before I went on a 4 week trip to China (we're moving there next week) and we haven't so much as received a thank you from any of them. As we're moving, I don't want to lose touch with him totally but keeping in touch is a two way street and I don't feel like doing the one way traffic anymore. I will make one more effort to contact him before I go and see what response I get. If I don't get one at all then I will accept it and move on.

I thought I had but I went back to re-read just in case.

This is my interpretation of what you wrote in the OP:

You send him and his, cards/gifts.

You have felt for some time that his card sending is erratic.

You stated:

'Since he got divorced, my dd's haven't received a card, either on their birthday or Xmas. They haven't received a gift, a text or anything either. I have continued to send his kids cards & vouchers for birthday & Xmas, and rarely receive a thank you or even a text to say they have received them.
So, this year, rightly or wrongly, I didn't sent birthday cards....'

Which is why I made the comment about tit for tat. It seemed as if you were beginning to feel that if he didn't send you or yours, or even made contact by text etc then you wouldn't send him or his.

I pointed out that maybe that wasn't what to focus on and to consider whether you liked the people enough to send to (as a standalone issue and not related to whether they sent you, I mean).

Don't get me wrong, I can understand exactly how you feel. I was just trying to suggest that maybe you were basing your decison on whether to send cards or not, on the wrong criteria?

With regards to the 'badgering' comment, it did seem as if you were at him rather a lot about the subject (going by from what you wrote in the OP). Apologies if I've got that wrong.

balletshoes

red_devil wrote: »

you havent made too much of it you have done whats right for you and it shows you care.

i cant believe some people say a person shouldnt get a card after they are 18. So we stop caring about people when they are 18 do we??

see i don't see giving cards for any occasion as necessarily a show of caring for the recipient. for example, i find writing and sending christmas cards a real chore, i only send to those in my close family who would expect a card. its not done out of any "thinking of you" vibe at all. i speak to/see/text etc those same people regularly, and i'm thinking of them regularly too.

we send texts on birthdays to adults, even use the dreaded facebook to pass on birthday wishes. the sentiment is exactly the same as sending a card through the post, its faster and can be more personal.

aliasojo

balletshoes wrote: »

see i don't see giving cards for any occasion as necessarily a show of caring for the recipient. for example, i find writing and sending christmas cards a real chore, i only send to those in my close family who would expect a card. its not done out of any "thinking of you" vibe at all. i speak to/see/text etc those same people regularly, and i'm thinking of them regularly too.

Completely agree, especially with the bits in bold.

Teenie_D

red_devil wrote: »

My brothers are really bad for keeping in touch with the family but it doesn't mean they don't care about us, they just don't think or have other priorities.

Do you know how awful that sounds they have other priorities! The family wont always be there see them and value them while you can.

Oh for goodness sake, not every family is an 'ideal' chocolate box family, in an ideal world then yes we would all be having Sunday lunch at Mums house and all acting like one big happy family, did you actually ready the rest of what I put?.......... they are always there for us when we need them, not everyone can say that!!! Not constantly keeping in touch does NOT mean they don't care!

fluffnutter

No wonder the brother and his wife got divorced. The poor woman was probably worn out with all these bizarre card-sending obligations that she suddenly found herself under.

lady1964

fluffnutter wrote: »

No wonder the brother and his wife got divorced. The poor woman was probably worn out with all these bizarre card-sending obligations that she suddenly found herself under.

Yes, that would be it. Nothing to do with her having an affair, getting pregnant, lying to my brother, treating him like a piece of sh**, kicking him out of their home a week before Xmas, stopping him from seeing his kids, not even giving him a contact number so he can phone his kids.
The divorce was all because his family had the cheek to expect a card on their birthday & at Xmas.