Tax credits, child maintenance question..

Orville

You guys can say what you like, think what you like. Because you are not in this situation you don't know my perspective.

I hope you never find you are.

FBaby

oops, my fault for still being on here when I should get myself out of the house! I would have come back being none the wiser! It's ok, I didn't take offense.

FBaby

Orville, it doesn't matter a penny what we think, what matters is your relationship with your ex and more importantly with your children. If this thread can make you just think back, whatever you conclude, then it will be positive. I do think you should re-consider asking for more maintenance though as what I do have experience of is the gates that such an action, when the result of frustration, opens up that ends up affecting the children much more than the adults.

Orville

FBaby wrote: »

Didn't think I was last I assessed, but then it's been a quiet day!

Orville, you need to stop acting as if you have no responsibility in anything that doesn't suit you. You were not forced to act as these children's dad. This is a MASSIVE choice to make, one you should have thought long about if you were not comfortable with. She might have suggested it, she might have expected you to go with it, you chosed to go along with it. It wasn't forced on you. You could have said to her you were not happy about it, and when they started calling you dad, you could have said 'sweety, it makes me happy that you see me as your dad, but I'm not, so I would prefer you call me by my name' You didn't, assume that choice. No that is wrong, you don't do that. A decision was made, i didn't totally agree with but at the time it was made, so you don't go back on it. She at the time did promise to tell them when they are older but i can't see that happening.

You also need to face the fact that you are not acting like a proper dad towards them. You do not support them, and you don't seem much bothered at the idea that they could call another man dad and treat them as such despite you having brought them up. Well no, i mean what can i do or could i do..? I call it being prepared. If they ever do find out about their fathers and build a relationship i think i would be quite selfish to want them to keep on calling me dad especially when all along i think they should have know who their fathers are.

You certainly seem to abhor a lot of resentment towards your ex. So she lives with her mum, do you actually know that she doesn't contribute anything towards the bills/rent? Yes i do as her mum has told me many times when she's away and her mum is looking after them.

Even if she doesn't, there are a lot more things she would need to pay for the kids, lunch money, maybe but they have packed lunch etc childcare if required, no childcare ,mobiles top-up if older,yes presents for friends party, usually £5 in an envelope, school trips no as i paid for the eldest's last one. and I could go on...all things that you don't contribute a penny towards for the older children, all the things that is what they really NEED, not some nice Christmas presents or holidays.

^^^^ See above. Think i edited it right...

Orville

FBaby wrote: »

Orville, it doesn't matter a penny what we think, what matters is your relationship with your ex and more importantly with your children. If this thread can make you just think back, whatever you conclude, then it will be positive. I do think you should re-consider asking for more maintenance though as what I do have experience of is the gates that such an action, when the result of frustration, opens up that ends up affecting the children much more than the adults.

The children are unaffected by all this believe me. Up until now i have been a soft touch with regards to maintenance. I know she had some big debts and as a result let he pay me less then what she should be. Then as time went on she met another bloke and started going away on holidays etc while leaving the kids with mum. Fine you could say this is her right and yes i agree she can do what she likes etc. What got me is that she told me her b/f had no money as it all went on his mortgage for the house he owns with his ex. This to me ment that she must have been paying, so if she can afford to do that, i started to question if she was in as much debt as she said or she was earning more and playing me as a bit of a fool with regards to maintenance. What happened christmas day when she never bothered to get the kids to call when she promised she would made me decide to basically take no more carp and get what i am entitled to hence my post on here asking.

I never for one moment thought i'd get all this hassle, it reminds me of being back with her...lol

FBaby

How much more do you think you are entitled to than what you get? Are we talking about £20 a month or £100? It all comes down to choosing the battles worth fighting for. I agreed a maintenance amount that i am 99% certain is significantly less than what my ex would be assessed on the basis that I knew he would struggle with anything more, not that his choices in life (like having another child and his partner not working) is my problem, but how is it going to benefit my kids if their dad is stressed and angry because of money (because whatever you say, kids certainly do pick up on it). Unfortunately, I can't even get this out of him and that's when I get angry because even though I am better off financially then he is, it is because of the different choices we made in life. When we separated, we were both earning exactly the same amount. He went on to mess about with jobs, I worked hard through three reconfigurations, three interviews. Both my partner and i work full-time and we've decided not to have more children, so of course we are going to be better off than them. Does this mean he shouldn't have to pay anything?

Anyway, I know what you mean about feeling like you are back with your ex, I've had some flashbacks too

Orville

FBaby wrote: »

How much more do you think you are entitled to than what you get? Are we talking about £20 a month or £100? It all comes down to choosing the battles worth fighting for. I agreed a maintenance amount that i am 99% certain is significantly less than what my ex would be assessed on the basis that I knew he would struggle with anything more, not that his choices in life (like having another child and his partner not working) is my problem, but how is it going to benefit my kids if their dad is stressed and angry because of money (because whatever you say, kids certainly do pick up on it). Unfortunately, I can't even get this out of him and that's when I get angry because even though I am better off financially then he is, it is because of the different choices we made in life. When we separated, we were both earning exactly the same amount. He went on to mess about with jobs, I worked hard through three reconfigurations, three interviews. Both my partner and i work full-time and we've decided not to have more children, so of course we are going to be better off than them. Does this mean he shouldn't have to pay anything?

Anyway, I know what you mean about feeling like you are back with your ex, I've had some flashbacks too

I reckon it could be anywhere between £80-£120. She must now br on something like 25-30k. I know she was acting up for someone on maternity and this person hasn't come back. This is just a guess though. So worse case scenaro she is only paying me 50% of what she should be. This is just on her salary though, it maybe more if you include the website and other benefits she gets. Don't forget that she now has less to pay out as i know her largest debt ended this month which is quite alot more then any extra she would be paying me.

FBaby

Does this mean she is paying you £100 currently and you think the csa would assess her at £200 ish? That is a big difference.

One question that hasn't been asked? How does SHE feels about you not contributing towards the two others? Does she agree with you that you shouldn't need to?

Orville

FBaby wrote: »

Does this mean she is paying you £100 currently and you think the csa would assess her at £200 ish? That is a big difference.



One question that hasn't been asked? How does SHE feels about you not contributing towards the two others? Does she agree with you that you shouldn't need to?

She gives me £120 a month, £30 a week to be precise. On a salary of say 25k she must be taking home around £1600-£1700 a month not including benefits and the website. I think if you add the benefits and website you are looking at atleast 2k.

She is fine in that i do not contribute on a weekly basis, she does not expect money off me as she knows they are not mine. Infact i think she is suprised i do anything at all as i am sure if the roles were reversed she wouldn't...

jetplane

Am I the only one who thinks it will be terrible for these boys when they find out that the man they believed and love as their father is not? Even if he is still there for them.

OP go to the CSA get your extra money and be satisfied, although as an earlier poster said, an accountant won't have a lot of net income to offer from her self employment, she probably gets a tax refund on her PAYE.

You are upset that they did not phone you? I think the far bigger issue is that these boys are living a lie and you have been complicit in this deceit.