Tax credits, child maintenance question..

Orville

clearingout wrote: »

So it's about revenge?

Any woman dared post 'so I think it's about time more money came my way anyway', we'd be branded as 'money grabbing' and 'greedy' PWC. Many, many PWC accept far less in maintenance than they need to for a whole host of reasons, but mainly, I suspect, for the 'reverse psychology' reaction it gives. You know, you allow the NRP to get one over on you therefore you are the one who is actually in control rather than going all out for every penny and have your whole life consumed with the NRP doing their best to get their own back...

You seem to assume that those of us who have been there, done that, don't know what we're talking about. I hope you never have to find out that we do.

Revenge?.....lolol It is a real pleasure sometimes on here to see how a persons mind works. Where did you get that from?. It's not about revenge at all, it's about not letting myself being taken advantage of anymore....

FBaby

I think you are confusing everything.
Issue 1: you brought up two children as if they were yours, but decided that when you separated, there were not yours any longer, so don't support them financially....yes, you expect them to thank you because you are giving them christmas presents? I don't know how old they are, but maybe they would prefer you continued to act as a dad towards them? Regardless of the situation, you now believe they are not grateful for what they are getting from you, lesson learnt, next year, don't get them anything.
Issue 2: Your own son hasn't called you to say thank you? Does this account for his mum taking you for granted? How? Maybe she doesn't believe that your child should have to call you on the day to say thank you. If it matters to you, then it is up to you to bring him up with your values. Be angry for yourself that you haven't succeeeded so far, or tell yourself that he is still only learning so remind him why it is important that he should, but blaming the mother for his behaviour is misplaced
Issue 3: maintenance. If you want to take her to the CSA because you think she is not contributing a fair amount, then do it, but do it because you think it is the right thing to do, not because you have misplaced anger over one incident and want to give her a lesson...

I have to say I am really confused how her not getting her kids (when she might have been very busy and distracted) contact you to say thank you is taking advantage of you...

clairec79

so you rang and spoke to the youngest (presumably to wish them Merry Xmas etc) but didn't speak to the other children who you claim to treat as if they were your own.

If my father (as you said as far as they know you are) / step father rang my home and spoke to my sibling but not me I'd take that as a sign that he didn't want to talk to me, so I wouldn't ring him (even if I had been planning to beforehand)

Orville

FBaby wrote: »

I think you are confusing everything.

Issue 1: you brought up two children as if they were yours, but decided that when you separated, there were not yours any longer, so don't support them financially.. ~shakes his head~ Who said i don't support them financially?. I may not give them maintenance on a per week basis,(remember they are not my blood children and their mother by choice chooses not to chase the father for maintenance), but i do other things such as pay for birthday parties etc which their mum does not / can't be bothered to. (This was while i was unemployed on benefits). I now have a job and have saved hard so that we can all goto Eurodisney in a few weeks. More then most would do wouldn't you say?.


..yes, you expect them to thank you because you are giving them christmas presents? I was expecting a call from them on christmas day which i was told i would get from their mum, is that too much to ask her to do in the grand scheme of things, this was always done to people when we were togther who got them presents so why should that change, moreso as i am perceived to be their father,(would love to know if you have kids and am a pwc or non resident) and please do not give me the ole she was too busy lark as she had a whole day to do that and she lives with her mum who would have been doing most of the work anyway.

I don't know how old they are, but maybe they would prefer you continued to act as a dad towards them? Ermmm i do and always have done..?


Regardless of the situation, you now believe they are not grateful for what they are getting from you, where did i say that..? lesson learnt, next year, don't get them anything. Don't be so stupid now.

Issue 2: Your own son hasn't called you to say thank you? I called him and spoke to him..? The other two were not there which is when she said she would make sure they called.

I don't know how your mind works but if the shoe was on the other foot i can assure you i would have got no end of ear ache from her, but TBH i would have made sure that situation never arose as i would have ensured they called.

Does this account for his mum taking you for granted? How? Maybe she doesn't believe that your child should have to call you on the day to say thank you. If it matters to you, then it is up to you to bring him up with your values. I do bring him up with great values thankyou. he is one of the most polite boys you could ever meet (a little so and so sometimes) but then arn't they all?. The ownus on a day like christmas day isn't on an 8 year old to think of these things it's the parents job to do that.

Be angry for yourself that you haven't succeeeded so far, or tell yourself that he is still only learning so remind him why it is important that he should, but blaming the mother for his behaviour is misplaced. I'm not gonna explain myself again for that one...


Issue 3: maintenance. If you want to take her to the CSA because you think she is not contributing a fair amount, then do it, but do it because you think it is the right thing to do, not because you have misplaced anger over one incident and want to give her a lesson... Never said i wanted to give her a lesson, i said it was this incident that has now sparked me into doing what i felt i should have done a good while ago..

^^^^^ Check answers above.

She had them for the best part of last year, i would have been quite within my rights to have my child with me, but because i felt he should be with his brothers and mum on christmas day, i said to her she could have him.

I would love to know how you would feel if it was you 250 miles from your kids on christmas day and you never even got a phone call that was promised. The kids arn't to blame at all i know and have never said that, but hey ho.

Orville

clairec79 wrote: »

so you rang and spoke to the youngest (presumably to wish them Merry Xmas etc) but didn't speak to the other children who you claim to treat as if they were your own.

If my father (as you said as far as they know you are) / step father rang my home and spoke to my sibling but not me I'd take that as a sign that he didn't want to talk to me, so I wouldn't ring him (even if I had been planning to beforehand)

You shouldn't presume things, read my post above....

clairec79

If they weren't there when you rang and the message was passed on then yes they should have rung you back and I can understand you being annoyed.

However I think if you had put that in the original post I think you may have got nicer answers

Orville

clairec79 wrote: »

If they weren't there when you rang and the message was passed on then yes they should have rung you back and I can understand you being annoyed.

However I think if you had put that in the original post I think you may have got nicer answers

Thank you...

Maybe i should but i am sure i said somewhere that i called. (Can't be bothered to read back now though to confirm)lol.

I think alot of people on here fail to realise what it is like being on the receiving end. Maybe they have always been lucky enough to have their kids with them on Christmas day?. This was my first day without any physical contact with them at all which was (Insert swear word here) hard to deal with i can tell you. But because i thought i was doing the decent thing in letting her have him so they could all be together i though the least she could do was to ensure they made a call. :sad:

FBaby

My kids will be 9 and 12 in a few days. I'm the pwc who contribute towards their every day expenses. Their dad (who they see weekly and really always have been able to see whenever he wanted, always had an amical arrangement around contact) doesn't pay maintenance. he always have excuses... He started a new job this summer, I had to approach him to agree something, to magnify the chances that he would I agree to £200 a month (much lesser than what csa would request), and still he is only paying when he feels like it (ie, twice since the summer). What he does do though is make sure he spoils them rotten at Christmas. Yep, there is no doubt that it is much more fun to spend money on kids to see them with a big smile on their faces telling you how thankful they are and how much they love you, then to pay to put food on the table to hear them that they don't like the meal...

Personally, I don't think that paying for some presents for Christmas/birthdays/holidays is supporting these two children. Either you consider them as yours and you support them with every day expenses (which is always a priority), or you don't. The fact that you don't have too because they are not your children biologically makes no difference on a moral stand. I'm wondering about their age because my two children are just about starting to understand the notion of 'contributing for every day costs', starting to understand how much I fork out every month to pay for all those things they understandbly take for granted, and are starting to understand that their dad should also be contributing towards these costs even though they live with me.

I'm wondering if that's what it all comes down to... you expecting a thank you for a christmas gift when what they really want is for you to treat them as you treat your other child and contribute financially towards their every day expenses like dads do rather then 'buying' their love and gratefulness through presents.

To be honest, I do get confused with your post as one minute you refer to the older children as your children, then next you make it clear that as they are not, you don't have to contribute towards them. You ask me how I would feel if it was me... firstly, i would have expected my children to take it upon themselves to call and say thank you as this would show true gratitude, rather than being told to call and therefore thank me out of expected politeness, but if they didn't, I would have thought twice and called myself, not to expect a thank you, but to ask how they were enjoying Christmas with their dad (which is exactly what I did yesterday after they left at noon).

FBaby

Another thing I don't understand, why didn't you celebrate Christmas at yours on another day? This way they could have 'two' christmases, you could have seen them open the presents you got them, and they could thank you face to face live?

Orville

FBaby wrote: »

My kids will be 9 and 12 in a few days. I'm the pwc who contribute towards their every day expenses. Their dad (who they see weekly and really always have been able to see whenever he wanted, always had an amical arrangement around contact) doesn't pay maintenance. he always have excuses... He started a new job this summer, I had to approach him to agree something, to magnify the chances that he would I agree to £200 a month (much lesser than what csa would request), and still he is only paying when he feels like it (ie, twice since the summer). What he does do though is make sure he spoils them rotten at Christmas. Yep, there is no doubt that it is much more fun to spend money on kids to see them with a big smile on their faces telling you how thankful they are and how much they love you, then to pay to put food on the table to hear them that they don't like the meal...


Personally, I don't think that paying for some presents for Christmas/birthdays/holidays is supporting these two children. Either you consider them as yours and you support them with every day expenses (which is always a priority), or you don't. The fact that you don't have too because they are not your children biologically makes no difference on a moral stand. I'm wondering about their age because my two children are just about starting to understand the notion of 'contributing for every day costs', starting to understand how much I fork out every month to pay for all those things they understandbly take for granted, and are starting to understand that their dad should also be contributing towards these costs even though they live with me.

I'm wondering if that's what it all comes down to... you expecting a thank you for a christmas gift when what they really want is for you to treat them as you treat your other child and contribute financially towards their every day expenses like dads do rather then 'buying' their love and gratefulness through presents.

To be honest, I do get confused with your post as one minute you refer to the older children as your children, then next you make it clear that as they are not, you don't have to contribute towards them. You ask me how I would feel if it was me... firstly, i would have expected my children to take it upon themselves to call and say thank you as this would show true gratitude, rather than being told to call and therefore thank me out of expected politeness, but if they didn't, I would have thought twice and called myself, not to expect a thank you, but to ask how they were enjoying Christmas with their dad (which is exactly what I did yesterday after they left at noon).

Your situation is different to mine though, so i doubt if you could ever really be objective enough to see it from my point of view.

When we were together as i said all money went into the family pot and was spent on whatever was needed.

Now we have split i do not contribute on a per week basis to the elder two kids. What i do do, is take them on holiday, buy presents for their birthdays etc and if they phone for instance as the oldest one did and asks for money for a new school bag because his mum won't get him one i send him that money. Do not forget that it is her whom chooses to lie to them about their natural father and also chooses not to chase for maintenance.

Also why should i pay on a per week basis when i bring up our child full time and earn considerably less then her?. Morally i do the right thing, i could have walked away, not had anything to do with those kids and ignored all calls from them etc. I do not though i took on the role of dad and i will continue to do so until such a time they either find out i am not their father by whatever means or she plucks up the courage to do the right thing and tell them the truth.