Tax credits, child maintenance question..

Orville

FBaby wrote: »

I'm sorry Orville, but you are right I don't understand. From my perspective, biological or not, either you are a dad or you are not. In your case, it would seem that two children believe that you are their dad, you consider yourself as their dad when it suits you, ie. when you can get their love and gratefulness, but not to contribute towards their actual needs, ie. what they need on a day to day basis, food, shelter etc... You seem to have position yourself in that pretend caring dad, there to buy them what they want when their mum tells them no (probably for very good reasons), give them holidays etc... Maybe this event at Christmas is the start of them realising that all you are doing is buying their love rather than being there as a proper dad to them, maybe they are starting to question things?

You say you would have them with you if you could, yet you don't think you have to support them daily. Wouldn't you do so if they lived with you? So why is it different because they live with their mum? Why are you expecting maintenance from her then if that is how you feel?

Seems to me that you are using the 'their are not biologically mine' just to give yourself a good conscience as to why you don't provide any maintenance for them.

Not at all.

I don't however see why i should support them when quite clearly their biological mother doesn't.

You seem to forget as i have pointed out many times that their mother earns a far greater amount then i do. She chooses not to tell them the truth and does not chase the real father for maintenance. In fact i should have said before now that both these kids have different biological fathers (i do keep refering to them as having the same father) my apologies. So in fact all three children have different fathers.

Now i wonder if i had posted on here that for the past ten years i had been supporting three kids whom i thought were mine only to find out that 2 of them wern't.

I am guessing a good few of you would be advising me to after the mother for all the maintenance payments i had made.

She has always looked for the easy way out. Most people would do the right thing and tell the kids from the start the truth about themselves, she chooses not to. I don't see it as my place to tell them either, she should do that.

I think what i am doing is completely the right thing to do. Those kids are ultimately not mine which i have known from the start. It is HER responsibility to care for them and provide financially on a day to day basis for them now we are not together. I know for a fact if i gave her money for them, it would go on her nights out and trips away and the kids would not see a penny of it. What good would that do?. Them coming to me directly for things they need is completely the right way to do it as i can ensure they actually get it. As i said I could give her money, she would spend it on rubbish, they would then come to me asking to get it and i would then say sorry see mum as i give her money. That way they lose out because they do not get it. My way they do.

What more can i do except always be there for them. I live 250 miles away.

Oldernotwiser

Orville wrote: »

Where did i say i will stop acting as their dad..?

You seem to keep forgetting what you've written.

"i took on the role of dad and i will continue to do so until such a time they either find out i am not their father"

Surely you're either their dad or not - it's not something you can turn off when you choose.

Orville

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

You seem to keep forgetting what you've written.

"i took on the role of dad and i will continue to do so until such a time they either find out i am not their father"

Surely you're either their dad or not - it's not something you can turn off when you choose.

Maybe you and i are not on the same wave length?. If they find out i am not their father they may well want to find and start a relationship with their REAL fathers. They may still see me as their father, they may not who can tell?.

If they have a strong relationship with them obviously i will still be there should they have any problems but it may well turn out that they have a great relationship and in time see them as their father and call them dad and quite rightly so. I mean one of the guys does not even know he's a dad as she told him she had an abortion..!! .
They can always call me dad if they like, chat and ask advice on whatever and as i said they can come and stay whenever or if they need a few quid come and ask.

Believe me if it were upto me, i'd phone them and tell them the truth as i think they have a right to know.

FBaby

Orville wrote: »

I don't however see why i should support them when quite clearly their biological mother doesn't.

Doesn't she? I thought you said she earned a good salary, so clearly is not 100% dependent on tax credits. Doesn't her salary contribute towards putting a roof over their heads, food on the table, keeping them warm?

She chooses not to tell them the truth and does not chase the real father for maintenance. In fact i should have said before now that both these kids have different biological fathers (i do keep refering to them as having the same father) my apologies. So in fact all three children have different fathers.

COuld it be for the same reason she didn't in the first place, because you have taken on the role of father, still say yourself that you are their dad? Or are you suggesting she should contact them now purely so she can get money out of them now because their 'dad' doesn't want to contribute any longer.

Now i wonder if i had posted on here that for the past ten years i had been supporting three kids whom i thought were mine only to find out that 2 of them wern't.

I think what i am doing is completely the right thing to do. Those kids are ultimately not mine which i have known from the start.

Totally confused now.Did you know or did you not know? ...or are you saying you were having an affair with her for months and you thought it was her husbands?

She has always looked for the easy way out. Most people would do the right thing and tell the kids from the start the truth about themselves, she chooses not to. I don't see it as my place to tell them either, she should do that.

Wasn't this a common decision? If you were not happy with it, then it was your choice to disagree with it. You still have that choice. You don't need her making this decision, it is about you and the kids. However, it is not unusual for kids to believe their dad are someone else than their biological dad.

is HER responsibility to care for them and provide financially on a day to day basis for them now we are not together.

Because they are not biologically yours? Because you are not living together, you have no more obligations? Then don't pretend you are acting like a proper dad towards them, you are not. If your youngest was living with his mum, would you contribute only towards him?

I know for a fact if i gave her money for them, it would go on her nights out and trips away and the kids would not see a penny of it.

Of course of course, or could it be that because you don't contribute anything, all her money goes towards the kids and she has nothing left to spend on herself?

What good would that do?. Them coming to me directly for things they need is completely the right way to do it as i can ensure they actually get it.

No, that is the worse thing you could do as a parent. It makes you look like the perfect dad and undermines her decisions. It really is no better than buying their love.

What more can i do except always be there for them. I live 250 miles away.

You don't have to be physically present to be a good dad. Mine also lived hundreds of miles away from me at some time, but he always contributed towards me, making sure that I got what I needed on an every day basis, and never underestimated my mum. All this whilst financially supporting my step-sister who he ended up adopting and always treated like his birth daughter. This is why I have a close relationship with him as an adult, because he didn't think of himself but of my and my sister's needs first which made him a fantastic dad (and still is)

paddygirl

This thread is making me glad to be single again.

Its not about acting as their dad, it has to be in your heart - whether or not you are biologically related to them. The fact you are going on about it implies some resentment. You are either their dad or you arent.

Orville

FBaby wrote: »

Doesn't she? I thought you said she earned a good salary, so clearly is not 100% dependent on tax credits. Doesn't her salary contribute towards putting a roof over their heads,

No Her mother owns the house and does not charge her rent. food on the table, Yes i think she does actually pay for that. keeping them warm? No her mum pays all bills.




COuld it be for the same reason she didn't in the first place, because you have taken on the role of father, still say yourself that you are their dad? Or are you suggesting she should contact them now purely so she can get money out of them now because their 'dad' doesn't want to contribute any longer.


She didn't want them to know from the start, thought it would be easier that way to save on the questions about their fathers, especially as she told one she had an abortion when she actually didn't.





Totally confused now.Did you know or did you not know? ...or are you saying you were having an affair with her for months and you thought it was her husbands?

I have always said i knew from the start i wasn't the father. After all they were already born before i even met her...lmao which i have stated..!!



Wasn't this a common decision? If you were not happy with it, then it was your choice to disagree with it. You still have that choice. You don't need her making this decision, it is about you and the kids. However, it is not unusual for kids to believe their dad are someone else than their biological dad.

I did disagree from the start along with her mother, this i have already stated..!!!.
And no it's not upto me to tell them the truth. She is their mother, she chose to lie, she should put them straight.


Because they are not biologically yours? Because you are not living together, you have no more obligations? Then don't pretend you are acting like a proper dad towards them, you are not. If your youngest was living with his mum, would you contribute only towards him?

Yes because they are not biologicaly mine. The ownus is on her as their biological mother..! Yes if he was living with his mother i would only give her the money i should for my son.



Of course of course, or could it be that because you don't contribute anything, all her money goes towards the kids and she has nothing left to spend on herself?

No she earns double what i do as i said, she went on 4 holidays last year with her b/f and left the kids at home with her mum. The only reason the kids went on holiday last year with her was because the mother paid for it.



No, that is the worse thing you could do as a parent. It makes you look like the perfect dad and undermines her decisions. It really is no better than buying their love.

No it's not..!! What is worse them going to her for stuff and knowing the answer will be no, or come to me knowing that they get mostly what they want.


You don't have to be physically present to be a good dad. Mine also lived hundreds of miles away from me at some time, but he always contributed towards me, making sure that I got what I needed on an every day basis, and never underestimated my mum. All this whilst financially supporting my step-sister who he ended up adopting and always treated like his birth daughter. This is why I have a close relationship with him as an adult, because he didn't think of himself but of my and my sister's needs first which made him a fantastic dad (and still is)

That is his choice and i am contributing twoards them to ensure they get what they need, i just cut out the middle man, i.e their mum..!!

^^^^^^^^^^^^See above.

Orville

paddygirl wrote: »

This thread is making me glad to be single again.

Its not about acting as their dad, it has to be in your heart - whether or not you are biologically related to them. The fact you are going on about it implies some resentment. You are either their dad or you arent.

I am glad i am single too......:D Because they are in my heart i deal with them directly.

Oldernotwiser

Orville wrote: »

Are you mental..?

That would be you.

Orville

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

That would be you.

I don't think so......

BTW i deleted that post before i saw this because i thought it was a bit out of order.

FBaby

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

That would be you.

Didn't think I was last I assessed, but then it's been a quiet day!

Orville, you need to stop acting as if you have no responsibility in anything that doesn't suit you. You were not forced to act as these children's dad. This is a MASSIVE choice to make, one you should have thought long about if you were not comfortable with. She might have suggested it, she might have expected you to go with it, you chosed to go along with it. It wasn't forced on you. You could have said to her you were not happy about it, and when they started calling you dad, you could have said 'sweety, it makes me happy that you see me as your dad, but I'm not, so I would prefer you call me by my name' You didn't, assume that choice.

You also need to face the fact that you are not acting like a proper dad towards them. You do not support them, and you don't seem much bothered at the idea that they could call another man dad and treat them as such despite you having brought them up.

You certainly seem to abhor a lot of resentment towards your ex. So she lives with her mum, do you actually know that she doesn't contribute anything towards the bills/rent? Even if she doesn't, there are a lot more things she would need to pay for the kids, lunch money, childcare if required, mobiles top-up if older, presents for friends party, school trips and I could go on...all things that you don't contribute a penny towards for the older children, all the things that is what they really NEED, not some nice Christmas presents or holidays.