Mother in law driving me nuts - HELP!

eyelinerprincess

I swear I will commit murder and blame it on my hormones if she doesn't back off!

Had DS two weeks ago, and I am currently breast feeding. MIL seems to have a problem with this for some reason and is trying to "encourage" me to switch to formula. So far I've had:

*"when can you express your milk?" (i.e. "I want the baby for the night, so hurry up"),
*comments about so and so who gave up breast feeding at three weeks
*DS was unsettled last night because of trapped wind, so according to her, I'm not making enough milk to feed him and she was up all night worrying, apparently. MW and health visitor seem pleased with his progress weight-wise, but will she listen?
*Her insinuating that I have PND and look tired (yes, that's possibly because I'm on iron tablets for anemia which she well knows).

She is doing my head in, and OH is telling me to agree and ignore, but it feels horrible for her to try and tell me I'm not doing a good job.

dirtysexymonkey

why isnt your husband dealing with his mother? she has no right to say these things to you.

i suggest you tell your oh to make sure his mother keeps her mouth shut and she only visits when you want her to. once a week sounds quite enough for anyone.

Lirin

Eyeliner- your OH seems to have a good idea of approach. You're not planning on changing how you feed, and she physically can't make you. A bland smile and vague comment may work best, rather than maybe letting it at at you to the point where you lose it and argue with her? There's various members of my family where I smile and ignore, and sooner or later they go quiet as it becomes plain I have no intention of actually listening......

Nice to see you back on here, btw, good to know how you're doing!

Money_maker

dirtysexymonkey wrote: »

i suggest you tell your oh to make sure his mother keeps her mouth shut and she only visits when you want her to. once a week sounds quite enough for anyone.

Seconded. It can be tricky enough BF sometimes, hormones all over the place, unnecessary worrying... if my MIL had said all this to me then I'd have probably done wrong by my LO and given up.

OH should tell her to wind her neck in (or **** off) and stop criticising. This is YOUR baby.

Edit: Apologies, forgot to say Congratulations :j

carefullycautious

Are you having to live with her or is she round too much. I would limit her visits saying you want to establish a routine before too many people visit ( in other words '**** off):rotfl:


Try to laugh it off she will get the message at some stage.

Nicki

My MIL was really phased by my breastfeeding too, even by the time number 3 came along. I think it was because she didn't, and it wasn't the norm to do so when DH was a baby, so she actually doesn't understand the process very well. With my third, she came to help out for a few weeks after the birth, and he was a really unsettled baby. She got quite upset and offended if I wasn't able to stop feeding to come to the table to eat lunch and dinner with the rest of the family, and repeated several times that he had been feeding for so long, that he couldn't possibly still be hungry. He ended up back in hospital at 3 weeks old having not regained his birth weight, which I think was in part due to my trying to space his feeds out a little to keep the peace with her, though he had other issues as well including reflux.

If you can, just ignore her and do what is right for you and baby. I think having a grandchild is quite a big thing, especially if it is her first, and some MILs and mothers go a bit doolally. If you search for threads started by a poster called zaksmum on here, you will see that your MIL is by no means unique. I don't think its necessarily maliciously meant, but some grannies do go way OTT in the first few months, and that can be very upsetting for the new mum

balletshoes

eyelinerprincess wrote: »

I swear I will commit murder and blame it on my hormones if she doesn't back off!

Had DS two weeks ago, and I am currently breast feeding. MIL seems to have a problem with this for some reason and is trying to "encourage" me to switch to formula. So far I've had:

*"when can you express your milk?" (i.e. "I want the baby for the night, so hurry up"),
*comments about so and so who gave up breast feeding at three weeks
*DS was unsettled last night because of trapped wind, so according to her, I'm not making enough milk to feed him and she was up all night worrying, apparently. MW and health visitor seem pleased with his progress weight-wise, but will she listen?
*Her insinuating that I have PND and look tired (yes, that's possibly because I'm on iron tablets for anemia which she well knows).

She is doing my head in, and OH is telling me to agree and ignore, but it feels horrible for her to try and tell me I'm not doing a good job.

can I make a suggestion? Replay what your MIL has said, in your own Mum's voice. If your mum said any of these things to you, would you feel differently? How would you discuss it with your own Mum if it were her saying these things and "driving you nuts"?

with a new baby, you are allowed (blame it on sleep deprivation ) to be a bit more direct with people than you normally would. No need to upset her unnecessarily, but you can tell her she needn't worry about you or baby, you're tired but you've just had a baby, you'll take it all at your own pace, but thanks for her concern and for thinking of you.

Older females can sometimes be a pain in the a** when you've just had your first baby, not just MILs.

Desperado99

Congratulations

Is she doing this in person or over the phone?

My MIL took to phoning excessively when DD was born (16 messages a day :eek:) and the midwife actually told us to unplug it.

Ignore her if you can.... but I think OH should maybe have a 'quiet word' that while you both love her, she's maybe overstepping the boundaries a little bit. (If you think she's receptive to it)

clearingout

((((hugs))))), you've got enough on your plate with a newborn without worrying about this - so don't!

My own mum was a PITA when it came to breastfeeding - even with the third one after I'd breastfed the other two! She just didn't get it - and of course, could come up with a hundred people she knows (indirectly, I might add) who have all had dreadful, awful, horrible problems with breastfeeding and she just didn't want that for me. Even with my left boob leaky tap-right boob power shower situation which pushed me into feeding on one side only (with the help and advice of an NCT breastfeeding counsellor), and my determination to get through the pain, she still didn't get it!

And recently she sniffed at me (quite literally) that she was never given the opportunity to breastfeed and wonders what it would be like.....

It's a generation thing. It's a 'I've got loads of experience and will do anything to get my hands on a newborn' thing. It's highly, highly unlikely to be personal. Do what you think is right for you and your baby and slip a carving knife under your pillow 'just in case'..... xxx

jetplane

Hi Congratulations

Do you have a breast feeding councellor / support where you live? Maybe your nearest Surestart has one or will know or your HV? These can be a fantastic help with the practical and emotional aspects of breast feeding. They offer support over the phone and do home visits and tell you whats normal etc. A fiesty one might tell your MIL to back off :rotfl:

Its a rollercoaster when you have a baby your emotions are all over the place and EVERYONE else knows whats best for you. I would ask your OH to have a word with his mother and make her realise that her comments sound like criticism and if she can't shut up then come back another time.

My SIL has not long had a baby and they fell out with both sets of grandparents, they're ok now though. But I even heard myself giving advice and had to apologise.

Lord help my daughter when she gets pregnant I will have to be put in restraints

clearingout

jetplane wrote: »

Lord help my daughter when she gets pregnant I will have to be put in restraints

PMSL!!!!! Exactly!