My eldest has changed his xmas list

victory

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victory

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Crisp_£_note

Lotus-eater wrote: »

You must be reading a different thread to me and everyone else. That's all I can say.

And I thought it was just me thanks Lotus eater.

victory wrote: »

No this one, talk to him omg no you are goading him again, don't talk to him and let him come to you, ok do that, no do this, ok, why are you not listening? I am, I posted from this morning what I was going to do look how it has changed.

Best to drop it, thanks each and every single one of you for every single post it is appreciated, valued, listened to, hoped for a solution and yes it is ongoing and doesn't have a miracle fast wand fix, I am to blame and he is and we are and it is, more than anything I hope that whatever I do whatever has been suggested to do somehow someday works and we all end up happy, too much to ask? We shall see, have a great day everyone I know I am going to:D

The words la la la I am not listening spring to mind your way or no way then back to square 1 with the advice when you get back. Do unto others as they do to you show him what its like to feel the way you do. Its a lure first its Mac then its Currys then its strop shop!

Hope I am wrong and have a nice day yourself

the_cat

Underneath it all you are trying WAY too hard to please. Both here on this thread and with your son

In 25 pages of a thread you are bound to get lots of conflicting advice. Pick what you think will work. Just ONE plan, maybe amalgamating ideas from a few like minded people and STICK TO IT for a long period of time. Ignore the rest. Not because it is rubbish, but you can only try one plan of attack at a time. If it truly doesn't work, then read back and pick a different plan. You can't please all of the people all of the time, and you are tying yourself in knots trying to do so

Same really with your son. Life isn't fair. He is an adult now. You recognise this fact on paper, yet allow yourself to feel guilty and attempt to fix the 'problem', not by buying the stuff, but by desperately attempting to change his viewpoint and make him happy with less. You can't and until you accept that and stop taking his frustrations as a personal slur on you as a mother, you will not progress

Mrs_Arcanum

Sorry Victory you need to decide on a strategy & stick to it no matter what

So long as you vacillate your son will have the upper hand and he knows it.

Katinkka

There is no helping this woman!

Frogletina

Of course people will differ in what their response to your problem is, if you want a majority opinion, post a poll.

Be consistent in your approach to him, don't try to guilt trip him into behaving always in the way you want him to, or being at home on Christmas day - just let him decide for himself on the day. He might delight in seeing you pulling out all the stops to make him be there. Act calmly - everyone is trying to help you, but we can all see how you are reacting emotionally to suggestions.

Finally, did you ever see the last episode of Kevin the Teenager? He just changed back to the polite boy he originally was overnight. All is not lost.

CH27

victory wrote: »

Yes hit the nail yes save him, I want him to have a better life, a real honest workman's life, that gets and enjoys through hard graft, that appreciated and values and realises that it all comes to those who put in, not demand no.

The way to ''save him'' is to say no! To be firm & calm with him and to have strict ground rules.

Every thread & every post is like groundhog day.

Only you can break the cycle.

If you carry on like this you will be the one who ruins xmas for yourself.

Bumpmakesfour

victory wrote: »

Some posters say to bring it up with him and some say leave it, that I am goading for a fight, some say OMG you are the worst non listening mum I have ever come across, others say I am negative and wasted their time, others say I am beyond help and get what I deserve in this moment I say.....

I have a smile on my face, I am happy, I am off to have a laugh with my kids and for this moment that is what it is all about.

Fair enough hun and I hope you have a nice afternoon.I just can't help but feel though that the "sweep it under the carpet and wait till it it happens again" approach is what got you where you are in the first place :o
Whatever happens I hope you have a lovely christmas x

SingleSue

victory wrote: »

Every poster has different ideas and they go along as such

1. Throw him out to his gf/ no don't do that he will never forgive you for it

2. There is no such thing as a happy family xmas/yes there is enjoy your kids while you can

3. Treat him like an adult/ no treat him like the child he is acting up to be

4. Buy him a laptop cheap off ebay/no don't give into him

5. Make it 50/50 so long as it suits eldest

6. Take the board off (done)

7. You are controlling/ no you are not

8. You talk to him too much/explain you can't afford it

9. You involve him too much/ don't speak/speak/ say no/give him the laptop/give him the money

So everyone has a clear view but each one is different from the other and because I do not jump to do x y or z and say maybe it can be this or that or could I try that maybe that will work not one of each opinion is ever going to be right and adhered to it is it?

Just to pick up on this, when I said 50/50, I meant that an amount should be agreed (not with them obviously but your partner etc) and stick to it...both children should be treated equally, so by planning to spend £150 on your youngest, then that should be the amount that is spent on your eldest, rather than the smaller amount you had been planning to spend.

I treat my 18 year old as an adult, he responds as an adult (with the very expected teenage blips). He wanted a laptop for his 18th birthday but realised (as I am very open with him regarding finances), that there was no way on earth I could afford it, so he asked for money for his birthday from all friends and relatives...there was a slight shortfall but he had already saved some money towards it and he just waited a couple of weeks more until his part time earnings had brought the amount up.

My boys know from the outset the budget I have set for presents and they work within that for their Christmas lists..they also know that the same amount will be spent on them as on their siblings. Last year, youngest wanted a very expensive book (talking very limited edition specialised one here) which was completely outside of my budget, so eldest put towards it and we made it a joint present....youngest got what he wanted but also got the same amount spent on him by me as his brothers.

I'm not saying eldest is perfect, he does have his moments, as do all children (including me and my siblings!) but then, none of us are perfect.