My eldest has changed his xmas list

mountainofdebt

victory wrote: »

To me it is not to him it is, he wants material, he wanted USA , he wanted the latest shoes, he wants laptop, he wants to go abroad next year, he wants a gap year, he wants money for this gadget and these clothes and all the material things he feels deprived of and his friends have

Victory -lets turn the situation around for a minute .....what would YOU like for Christmas - or what would you like to have done this year - but know you won't be having because you couldn't afford it or didn't have the time ? Have you given anyone a hard time because of it?

I doubt it.

Well I know when Junior was having a woe is me moment and after trying to reason with him I completely lost the plot with him.

I asked - well more shouted at him if I'm honest - didn't he think that I had things that I would love to buy or do but simply didn't have the money for Did he think that I took some sort of perverse pleasure out do saying no to him? I ended by saying that he had everything we could afford to give him and more but still that wasn't good enough for him - so yes I must be a carp mum

The rant only lasted about 5 minutes but I think because I lost the plot with him instead of trying to get him to see reason it had a greater effect.

*max*

Seriously?

Now I think you just like the sound of your own voice, Victory, writing for the sake of writing.

Sambucus_Nigra

CH27 wrote: »

Every thread & every post is like groundhog day.

Ain't it just.

jetplane

Victory I have seen you give good advice on here to others, would you condone that an abused woman stayed with her husband? No, so why do you allow your son to abuse you in this way?

Making demands, making you feel worthless, desperate to save him and keep him happy, grateful when he can be bothered to be nice to you?

Xmas list? What's this an order you put in to demand what you want? Is a xmas list not a wish list? Whats on yours Victory? Your son is 18 he has learned to behave this way because he knows he can manipulate you into getting his own way. Has he never had boundaries?

You make excuse after excuse for him, is he not supposed to learn that envy is destructive and if he wants all of these material things he has to work hard and acheive them himself?

You have agreed to pay for driving lessons and clothes, so give him the money and let him buy a laptop if he wants. Tell him to stay at his girlfriends for xmas and don't spoil your younger sons day. Don't let him dictate what his brother can have.

Why are you so needy for your son? I love my daughter to bits and there is nothing I wouldn't do for her if she needed it. I also want to keep her safe, part of that is teaching her life skills, respect and tough choices.

What do you need to save your son from?
Have you actually read your own signature?

Crisp_£_note

I suggest as the OP is not online at the moment we just leave this post be. Weve given our advice let them take it or leave it they have the choice. I half expect it to be the same scenario once op returnes. Lets not fuel the fire anymore?

The moneysaving advice is not to buy the laptop but teach your son about financial restriction now he is a man. Best gift anyone can get for life. Best gift you can give yourself and family is not to go into debt for the sake of others selfishness. Driving lessons are far more practicle as it will enable him to be independant go out and get a job to pay for some of his own upcoming student finances ..... same as a bicycle would but a bike is cheaper.

First it was driving lessons (not cheap but a useful starter of 10 lessons and test then he pays for the rest), now its a laptop what will it be next? :eek: When you say a Mac I hope you meant a big burger, dink & fries and not a Mac laptop?

nickyhutch

1. Don't mention it again.

2. When he does (which he will) say, with a smile and a hug "I love you. Listen to me. This is my final word on the matter. We cannot afford a laptop. We can afford £150, which we will be giving to you happily. We'd all love to have you here on Christmas Day, but you're 18 and have a girlfriend so understand you have a choice to make. It's up to you, and whichever you choose I hope you have a great day and I promise wont hold it against you if you choose to spend it with your girlfriend, so don't feel I'm putting any pressure on you to be here".

3. Carry on with what you're doing.

4. see point 1.

5. see point 2.

6. see point 3.

Etc. etc. etc.

Lunar_Eclipse

victory wrote: »

I think anyone reading this thread and the others can see clearly he deserves nothing, a slap, he deserves to be thrown on the streets, he deserves to have a short sharp take on reality, every single priveldge should be taken away from him, he is ..well he just is and we have, we have taken off him, we have talked to him, we have done so flippin much it beggers belief that he can and does and still goes on and expects and demands when we have just ahhhhhh

Hand on heart, I don't think that.

He is clearly someone capable of high standards of respectful behaviour as seen by his girlfriend's family. You have played a part in that, so give yourself a break. However, it sounds like you and him have a major personality clash and you enable his poor behaviour, to some degree.

Break the cycle. Act differently. Set different expectations of him, but make sure you can and do live by them. In my opinion, you need to offer him the olive branch and lead by example. Wipe the slate clean. Think only about the present and future, not his past failings. Do not engage in any non respectful conversations. For starters, even if he never speaks to you again, I think it is incredibly immature and childish for you to ever give him (or anyone) the silent treatment. You earn respect by showing respect. In all dealings with him, maybe it would help if you tried to act how you like to be treated. Alternatively, pretend he is a friend of yours. I doubt you'd be so quick to lose control.

balletshoes

victory wrote: »

He wants stuff in the reality world, I want it sure I do why deny that but I live in the mortage pay bills way and if it comes ab fab it doesn't oh well there is always next time, makes no odds.

His actions are OTT, demands, unreasonable demands, I deserve ,I should have, I am having, you are providing, get me.

I have said over and over again my part in this, over again please read all the posts,
it is all about reactions

yes, you're right it is - your reactions are not working. So you need to sort out your reactions, time to get off this carousel once and for all.
I'm also now at the stage where I'd like to bang you and your son's heads together!!

~Chameleon~

Crisp_£_note wrote: »

First it was driving lessons (not cheap but a useful starter of 10 lessons and test then he pays for the rest), now its a laptop what will it be next? :eek:

Is this what the OP is buying him? Are you sure? The cost of 10 lessons plus test is around £300 which is approx the cost of a fairly reasonable spec laptop!

Lunar_Eclipse

victory wrote: »

Thanks appreciate the post. the longer any thread goes on the longer more posters come and say no no no do this, yes yes yes do that, this is a brilliant idea, it happens in mine and others all the time, if someone feels they are not being heard, they go,fair enough, not one single person is going to be happy with such a long thread and over and over it goes, I see that and everyone else does, it is not a today problem it is ongoing

I really think you need to take a huge step back. You are continuing to be very melodramatic about a request for a laptop (although I know it's more than that.)

In general I think everyone has basically said the same thing on this thread, yet you find the responses confusing. To make this as simple as possible I will just say this isn't really about the laptop, or anything your son says and does.

This is all about you: your feelings about your parenting and wanting things to change but not being prepared to change anything. It takes a strong person to change, not a weak one Victory!

You can't change your son. You need to change first. I also think you need to get his behaviour into perspective. You are spending far too much time thinking about it. Do you have a busy and full life outside of the family home? I mean why on earth would you want to being up the laptop or Xmas again, today? Get on with whatever you normally do on Saturday and forget about Christmas. Ask him to let you know where he'll be spending it on Xmas Eve and spend the time between now and then building some bridges.