Am I Being Mean?

gravitytolls

DS is 22 yrs old. He became unemployed over a year ago, and with a few bouts of temporary employment, his CV is very patchy. True, he didn't try too hard to get employed for about 4 mths initially, having been employed since leaving school, and finding work again very quickly the two times he was laid off, he fully expected the building trade to snap him up. It was a long time before he realised those days were behind him.

Anyhoo, we live in a rural area, and he's had to decline some agency shift work simply because public transport prohibits it. He needed a car, he had to sell his one a month after losing his job, as he could no longer afford to insure it.

So, after taking on enough agency work to convince us that he was seriously looking for work, we used our meagre savings and overdraft to get him a car. This was in September/October. I paid for the insurance deposit, his dad told him he could repay the insurance costs at £10 per week when he's earning.

Now, he gave me his car tax money last month, to hold fo rhim, so he wasn't tempted to spend it, he had the insurance money safely in his bank account, courtesy of a couple of good weeks agency work. I checked this weekend that he'd remembered to tax the car. he hadn't, 'he'd borrowed' a bit of the cash. When I checked, he's borrowed it all, he's driving without tax.

I then asked does he have this months insurance money saved. He replied 'oh yeah, December's insurance.'

So, he has no funds for either, and I'm fairly certain that he fully expected me to stump up cash for these for Christmas. But I wasn't going to buy him anything or give him cash this year, maybe a pair of trainers or jeans, so he has something to unwrap, because we're still repaying the car.

But I feel mean, I shouldn't, he's managed to buy dope, yet has no electric on his meter. The dope is the reason he doesn't live at home, he can't see the problem with it, so won't accept the rule not to fetch it in or come home under the influence.

Anyhoo, he's already had one car taken from him and crushed (last year, no insurance), I'd hate to see him lose another one, particularly as it would be such a waste of our money, but I really feel that he's taking the michael.

Is there a better solution though?

merlot123

If that was my son I would be taking the car off him. If that didn't shake him up to paying what he owed me, I'd sell the car.

[Deleted User]

Totally agree. Its only worth helping someone if they'll help themselves.., otherwise its called enabling.

gravitytolls

Well, we'll not be taking the car from him, it was gifted freely, but t'will be the last freely gifted article like this. He's very good at putting a guilt trip on us 'you helped bro, you did this, when i need some help....'. And of course he isn't a bad lad, but he is manipulative, and I hate to say that I that I simply have no faith in him.

But we have other children, and they need support too, he can't expect to have everything given to him. But I worry about him, he's such a worry.

bestpud

You're doing an awful lot for him.

He's a fully grown adult of 22 and has chosen to leave home because he won't abide by your rules, so why are you still treating him like a child?

Sooner or later you have to let go as you are not helping him.

Write the car off as a Christmas present and hopefully he will step up to the mark once he realises the bank of mum and dad has closed for good.

bestpud

gravitytolls wrote: »

Well, we'll not be taking the car from him, it was gifted freely, but t'will be the last freely gifted article like this. He's very good at putting a guilt trip on us 'you helped bro, you did this, when i need some help....'. And of course he isn't a bad lad, but he is manipulative, and I hate to say that I that I simply have no faith in him.

But we have other children, and they need support too, he can't expect to have everything given to him. But I worry about him, he's such a worry.

He manipulates you because you allow him too; he's pressing your buttons.

You need to find a way of being more objective. Ask yourself what you'd suggest to a friend in the same situation.

Owain_Moneysaver

Driving without insurance, driving without tax - how many points does he have left before he loses his licence?

The car may have been freely gifted but the insurance etc was a loan which you are entitled to have repaid from his assets. And if he's driving untaxed, uninsured, and under the influence of drugs you have a moral obligation to take the car back before he kills someone. Tough love's tough sometimes.

And if you get him jeans for christmas - Tesco do them, £5.

WhiteHorse

gravitytolls wrote: »

... he's managed to buy dope, yet has no electric on his meter. The dope is the reason he doesn't live at home, he can't see the problem with it, so won't accept the rule not to fetch it in or come home under the influence.

You've answered your own question.

No more money. Ever.

peachyprice

gravitytolls wrote: »

Well, we'll not be taking the car from him, it was gifted freely, but t'will be the last freely gifted article like this.

Well, you have two choices. You can take the car off him until he's got the money together for tax & insurance or you can not take the car off him and let him get caught again and the car get crushed. I know what I would do.

As for the dope, he's never ever going to change as long as he's putting that before anything and everyone else. If that's the life he's chosen he deserves no more help for you, not while he's quite happy to roll his own money up and smoke it.

That's the trouble with dopeheads, they believe it's not effecting them, it's not addictive, it's not harming them, it's not effecting their life, it's socially acceptable, it's a soft drug, blah blah blah. So why do they put it before anything else?

Caroline_a

Some good information here http://www.nopenaltypoints.co.uk/legal-implications-avoiding-car-tax-insurance.html

babymoo

I hate to say it but his biggest problem at the moment is that he is smoking dope and it is taking over his life. He needs help with this addiction. My reasoning behind this before someone jumps on me is that if he is able to smoke dope but can't pay neccessary bills and has no electricity on the meter especially in the winter then he needs help. He obviously see's dope his number 1 priority.

What about his other bills are they paid off?

I realise you can't help him until he realises or accepts there is something wrong with the dope. My brother was the same and spiralled out of control with it. I only hope your son is just a little smarter than my brother.

ETA: Never give him any money for xmas or birthday, rather buy him something if this is what you wish to do or give him a gift card then you aren't readily helping him to smoke it. Watch for things that you buy him going missing or breaking, this happened a lot when my brother was a heavy user and there was ALWAYS some excuse. Scary thing is he started to believe what he was telling us so it became incredibly difficult to know what was truth from a lie, even though majority of it was lies.
My brother drove round in a car with no tax or MOT or insurance until he was nicked by the cops. He lost his license, had a massive fine and when he eventually comes to redo his license it will cost him the earth to drive because of so many points being already on there. (Although not sure how long they stay on there).

On the contrary if he starts having loads of money to splash around all the time i'd be equally worried.