Am I Being Mean?

Oldernotwiser

gravitytolls wrote: »

A quick add, he has taken up bait digging, he gets picked up and dropped off, equipment he pays for weekly, but he's not earned more than about £20 so far, but all the diggers are not getting much, they assure him things will pick up.

Is he declaring this money when he signs on or is he committing benefit fraud as well?

Seanymph

gravity you said earlier 'it's normal for him'.

What is coming through shiny and clear is that this is normal for you too.

It's not normal for everyone else. For the rest of us people who drive untaxed, uninsured vehicles, choose not to work and take drugs are not 'nice lads'. They are parasites.

And I'm afraid that I, along with many other people, do point the fingers at the parents of these adults who continue to enable them.

I'm not sure what response you anticipated from normal, working, law abiding people - perhaps something far more sympathetic - I'm not without sympathy for others, but tend to like to see people helping themselves slightly.

Your son could be the person who hit and wrote off my car and had no damned insurance! So MY no claims went west and thank the lord I had fully comp, but I had to live with no damned car for weeks and weeks, try and get my kids to school, and it cost me a LOT of money.

You need to confiscate the car until such time as he is up to date and the car is taxed. You can't say 'I've given it to him' and still want to oversee the monthly insurance payments - one way or the other.

I would not allow any child of mine, whatever age, to drive illegally with my knowledge. But then because I respect the law, so do my children - and they tend to drive legal cars - they also all work despite being full time students still.

Start setting an example - stop facilitating - and try and get him back to walking a reasonable, law abiding path.

Oldernotwiser

gravitytolls wrote: »

Well yes, but they's have a combined income, with one set of outgoings. The same with the first who wanted a baby.... Mind you he was working then.

A lone parent is far better off financially on her own. Come over to the Benefit Board some time and see how many young couples are living like your son and his GF so that they can "maximise" their benefits!

Alias_Omega

I think at 22yrs old, its time to stand on your own feet.

I would take a nice holiday abroad over christmas to get away from it all.

bestpud

gravitytolls wrote: »

Same problem with no deposit, no credit worthy history, no HB. I have indeed suggested he look for an exchange to the city, his pals and GF are nearby, so he's not open to the idea. His previous employer strongly advised against it when he was looking before, as he felt he was an easy target for people without his best interests at heart.

Scared the hell outta me, I reckon he's better off where he is unless he can move there with a mate.

I'm going to be honest.

I have a 19 and a 21 year old and I'd see your son as a danger to them.

I know a family in this situation at the moment and DH and I spent a couple of hours trying to get the message home to the parents one night, before realising there is none so blind as them who don't want to see.

Three nights later, eldest boy wrote off his FOURTH car, putting a friend in hospital and scarring him for life. Luckily there was nothing coming the other way but it was frightening that 5 minutes later and he could have killed me, and 15 minutes later, he could have killed DH and DD(10).

It won't get any better, honestly. Please step back now before he does something you or nobody else can reverse.

gravitytolls

mildred1978 wrote: »

I can't believe what I'm reading. So because he doesn't nick cars it's okay for him to drive drunk (at 17!), drive stoned without insurance (which won't cover anything if he has an accident when under the influence) and not bother with tax. That rural upbringing has done him the world of good, hasn't it?

You've a very warped view of what is okay as far as I can see.

I don't believe I suggested it was okay. The rural upbringing has probably saved him from prison and serious addiction.

He is currently insured, if he doesn't sort himself out, he will lose the car. Stoned, no, which is why he no longer lives here, we don't tolerate it. We don't see him that way, if we did, we would remove the keys. We have previously contacted the police when he took keys and walked back to the pub where he left his moped (17). They picked him up before he got there, they still did nowt about the pub serving him alcohol, but he was charged with ..... actually I'm not sure, but he was reprimanded after a night in the cells.

Yes, he's well aware of how serious we consider his behaviour, which is why he keeps it very secret.

What can I say, like all parents we do our best, try to raise our offspring to be decent, but the eldest just didn't respond in the same way, preferring to accept the influence of his peers.

Without a doubt we've made mistakes, can anyone say they haven't?

mildred1978

gravitytolls wrote: »

I don't believe I suggested it was okay. The rural upbringing has probably saved him from prison and serious addiction.

He is currently insured, if he doesn't sort himself out, he will lose the car. Stoned, no, which is why he no longer lives here, we don't tolerate it. We don't see him that way, if we did, we would remove the keys. We have previously contacted the police when he took keys and walked back to the pub where he left his moped (17). They picked him up before he got there, they still did nowt about the pub serving him alcohol, but he was charged with ..... actually I'm not sure, but he was reprimanded after a night in the cells.

Yes, he's well aware of how serious we consider his behaviour, which is why he keeps it very secret.

What can I say, like all parents we do our best, try to raise our offspring to be decent, but the eldest just didn't respond in the same way, preferring to accept the influence of his peers.

Without a doubt we've made mistakes, can anyone say they haven't?

His insurance will be nothing but a very expensive piece of paper if he has an accident where even the smallest hint of alcohol or drugs is evident.

He should have lost his licence for drunk driving. He should have been punished for the no insurance. With his rap sheet he should be imprisoned next time. Death by dangerous driving I expect.

There are mistakes and then there are seriously dangerous individuals who don't deserve support from society to enable their anti social ways. :mad:

gravitytolls

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Is he declaring this money when he signs on or is he committing benefit fraud as well?

He says he's declaring it. What he actually wants is permanent work, I can't deny his efforts to find it. He's applied for full time and part time, permanent and temporary, attended interviews all over the county (within 20 miles), received some very good feedback in rejection letters, which doesn't really soften the blow.

TBH, his work ethic is possibly all that he's got going for him at the mo, as he seems completely irresponsible in all other areas of his life. He's definately one of those people who wants to go to work, get paid, spend his wages without thinking 'what if there's an emergency'. He's not unique in that, there's a lot of it about, maybe it's only as you get older that you realise you need a bit put by.

Anyhoo, so no, benefit fraud isn't to be added to his list, he wants them to know he's doing what he can, in the vain hope that maybe they'll help him find something better.

bestpud

gravitytolls wrote: »

I don't believe I suggested it was okay. The rural upbringing has probably saved him from prison and serious addiction.

He is currently insured, if he doesn't sort himself out, he will lose the car. Stoned, no, which is why he no longer lives here, we don't tolerate it. We don't see him that way, if we did, we would remove the keys. We have previously contacted the police when he took keys and walked back to the pub where he left his moped (17). They picked him up before he got there, they still did nowt about the pub serving him alcohol, but he was charged with ..... actually I'm not sure, but he was reprimanded after a night in the cells.

Yes, he's well aware of how serious we consider his behaviour, which is why he keeps it very secret.

What can I say, like all parents we do our best, try to raise our offspring to be decent, but the eldest just didn't respond in the same way, preferring to accept the influence of his peers.

Without a doubt we've made mistakes, can anyone say they haven't?

There is no such thing as a perfect parent.

I'm actually talking from experience with our son.

Mistakes are ok if we stop when we recognise them and change what we do.

If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.

Oldernotwiser

gravitytolls wrote: »

I don't believe I suggested it was okay. The rural upbringing has probably saved him from prison and serious addiction.

He is currently insured, if he doesn't sort himself out, he will lose the car. Stoned, no, which is why he no longer lives here, we don't tolerate it. We don't see him that way, if we did, we would remove the keys. We have previously contacted the police when he took keys and walked back to the pub where he left his moped (17). They picked him up before he got there, they still did nowt about the pub serving him alcohol, but he was charged with ..... actually I'm not sure, but he was reprimanded after a night in the cells.

Yes, he's well aware of how serious we consider his behaviour, which is why he keeps it very secret.

What can I say, like all parents we do our best, try to raise our offspring to be decent, but the eldest just didn't respond in the same way, preferring to accept the influence of his peers.

Without a doubt we've made mistakes, can anyone say they haven't?

We've all made mistakes - the question is whether we go on making them!