Am I Being Mean?

Oldernotwiser

gravitytolls wrote: »

He says he's declaring it. What he actually wants is permanent work, I can't deny his efforts to find it. He's applied for full time and part time, permanent and temporary, attended interviews all over the county (within 20 miles), received some very good feedback in rejection letters, which doesn't really soften the blow.

Sorry.....

gravitytolls

Alias_Omega wrote: »

I think at 22yrs old, its time to stand on your own feet.

I would take a nice holiday abroad over christmas to get away from it all.

Which is why I will not be taking the car from him, he may facillitate his own downfall, and I may feel mean for allowing him to do so.

We too are law abiding, we drive taxed, mot'd and insured vehicles (this isn't in responde to you Omega), as does DS 2, DS3 is learning to drive and saving for a car and insurance. Neither use drugs, DS2 doesn't drink at all because he always drives, if he does have a drink, it's only when he knows he doesn't need to drive until at least the following evening.

DS1 has spent his entire life being 'mentored' having drug therapies suggested to us, having different labels suggested, all of which we reisisted, as we didn't want anyone to be able to say 'he can't help it, it's because'. Seems we were wrong, as in doing so we've possibly denied him the support he needs, but experience shows he just pays lip service to such people.

As for those who say'if it were my child ..... ' I'd doubtless have said similar a few years ago, experience has shown me that things are never so straight forward when it's your child. Or even when it's your 22 yr old son.:(

gravitytolls

mildred1978 wrote: »

His insurance will be nothing but a very expensive piece of paper if he has an accident where even the smallest hint of alcohol or drugs is evident.

He should have lost his licence for drunk driving. He should have been punished for the no insurance. With his rap sheet he should be imprisoned next time. Death by dangerous driving I expect.

There are mistakes and then there are seriously dangerous individuals who don't deserve support from society to enable their anti social ways. :mad:

Perhaps, but the papers indicate the law is an !!!. Perhapos more should be done to get drugs off the streets, perhaps confiscation alone of cannabis isn't enough, perhaps the police should be attempting to have the licences removed from those establishments who serve alcohol to youngsters and to those clearly inebriated.

But they don't, which is why worried parents put themselves up for criticism and condemnation because they simply don't know what to do. Perhaps you think I don't care? But this conversation is ongoing only because I do.

BitterAndTwisted

The risks of being tested for drugs while driving pales into insignificance compared to the risk of his number-plate being flashed up on the ANPR computer for not having the vehicle taxed with no valid insurance. It's not a matter of "if" it's purely a matter of "when".

Once he's been arrested and his car taken away to be crushed how much responsibility are you going to take then? And that's even if he doesn't manage to maim or kill anyone.

Have your "you're on your own, sonny" conversation with him as a matter of urgency. Once he has no car and no license he's going to be turning the guilt-thumbscrews on you even tighter than they are now.

gravitytolls

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Sorry.....

No apology necessary. Let's be honest, with everything else, it was on the cards that he was shafting the system as well wasn't it? I'd've made the same assumption. As I said, his work ethic is his saving grace.

gravitytolls

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Sorry.....

Appreciated though, I feel a bit shaky and tearful, and it helps to see it. Thanks ONW.

gravitytolls

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

The risks of being tested for drugs while driving pales into insignificance compared to the risk of his number-plate being flashed up on the ANPR computer for not having the vehicle taxed with no valid insurance. It's not a matter of "if" it's purely a matter of "when".

Once he's been arrested and his car taken away to be crushed how much responsibility are you going to take then? And that's even if he doesn't manage to maim or kill anyone.

Have your "you're on your own, sonny" conversation with him as a matter of urgency. Once he has no car and no license he's going to be turning the guilt-thumbscrews on you even tighter than they are now.

I'm not going to take any responsibility, I spoke to him last week, which is why I am now wringing my hands with worry. He must take responsibility for himself, he is aware we are not going to help him with the finances, but I feel guilty guilty guilty, and can't think of anything other than him.

gravitytolls

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

We've all made mistakes - the question is whether we go on making them!

Oh we do, different ones, but we still go on making mistakes.

Seanymph

'Which is why I will not be taking the car from him, he may facillitate his own downfall, and I may feel mean for allowing him to do so.'

I would be devastated in your shoes if his downfall involved something like the situation I found myself in, where someone drunk hit into the back of my parked car outside my house, uninsured, and wrote off my car and caused me all sorts of logistical and financial penalties.

You need to think, hard and quick, about whether or not providing someone who has the KNOWN issues your son does over driving under the influence, driving illegally, and therefore uninsured. My situation could be the best case scenario. God help you and your conscience if you provided him with the weapon he uses to permanently injure or murder another human being.

He doesn't have the social responsibility to work and provide it for himself - so you've handed it to him - and he still is illegal with it - and your response is to walk away from YOUR contribution and responsibility in this situation and say you'll let him keep it so it can cause his downfall.

Shame on you. If he kills someone else's child you are as much to blame as he is.

bestpud

gravitytolls wrote: »

Which is why I will not be taking the car from him, he may facillitate his own downfall, and I may feel mean for allowing him to do so.

We too are law abiding, we drive taxed, mot'd and insured vehicles (this isn't in responde to you Omega), as does DS 2, DS3 is learning to drive and saving for a car and insurance. Neither use drugs, DS2 doesn't drink at all because he always drives, if he does have a drink, it's only when he knows he doesn't need to drive until at least the following evening.

DS1 has spent his entire life being 'mentored' having drug therapies suggested to us, having different labels suggested, all of which we reisisted, as we didn't want anyone to be able to say 'he can't help it, it's because'. Seems we were wrong, as in doing so we've possibly denied him the support he needs, but experience shows he just pays lip service to such people.

As for those who say'if it were my child ..... ' I'd doubtless have said similar a few years ago, experience has shown me that things are never so straight forward when it's your child. Or even when it's your 22 yr old son.:(

I've been there and have done it with my child, and he was younger than 22!

It was awful, I'd never try and say otherwise, but it worked!

He found an apprenticeship, worked all the hours he could, was employed by the company and now earns well. He can still be a prat, don't get me wrong, but he's responsible, law abiding and had a steady job.

I'd do it again with my other children if push came to shove, but luckily, they've not made the same mistakes. In fact DD1 thinks her brother was completely unreasonable and we did the right thing (she still tells him so when he has his uppity moments!)

Also, she saw what we went through and is more considerate for knowing how difficult it can be to parent a teen who is off the rails.

You really aren't alone!