Am I Being Mean?

babymoo

gravitytolls wrote: »

I don't believe I suggested it was okay. The rural upbringing has probably saved him from prison and serious addiction.

Sweetheart, he's 17. I wouldn't hold your breath straight away. He hides a lot from you so he is more than likely doing a damn site more than you think. Rural upbringing or not, he can and will find serious drugs and reason to commit further offences if he is that way inclined.

Again using my idiot brother as an example, we were brought up in a tiny village of probably 2000 people or less and he found that way of life. Don't for a second think that being somewhere rural will stop it. If he want's it he will get it.

I honestly think that you are probably going to get a lot more than you bargain for with this, he's only 17 and sounds like he is a sheep so if his friends do it he will do.

It is the most difficult thing in the world to watch someone you love disapear into a world of drugs and for me it was even worse watching my parents trying to right my brothers behaviours. Everyone blames the parents which it isn't always the case. My parents in the end got my brother arrested and helped get him sent down because as much as they love him, they didn't want to see him getting any worse and he was breaking the law time and again. He hated them for it at the time and now he says it was the best thing as parents they could ever do.

Now he is clean, works damn hard and lives with his girlfriend and their beautiful daughter. It can turn around but you HAVE to be strong and yes it's gonna hurt.

I don't know where you live but google SPODA - they were a godsend for us and there must be something similar where you are.

bestpud

babymoo wrote: »

Sweetheart, he's 17. I wouldn't hold your breath straight away. He hides a lot from you so he is more than likely doing a damn site more than you think. Rural upbringing or not, he can and will find serious drugs and reason to commit further offences if he is that way inclined.

Again using my idiot brother as an example, we were brought up in a tiny village of probably 2000 people or less and he found that way of life. Don't for a second think that being somewhere rural will stop it. If he want's it he will get it.

I honestly think that you are probably going to get a lot more than you bargain for with this, he's only 17 and sounds like he is a sheep so if his friends do it he will do.

It is the most difficult thing in the world to watch someone you love disapear into a world of drugs and for me it was even worse watching my parents trying to right my brothers behaviours. Everyone blames the parents which it isn't always the case. My parents in the end got my brother arrested and helped get him sent down because as much as they love him, they didn't want to see him getting any worse and he was breaking the law time and again. He hated them for it at the time and now he says it was the best thing as parents they could ever do.

Now he is clean, works damn hard and lives with his girlfriend and their beautiful daughter. It can turn around but you HAVE to be strong and yes it's gonna hurt.

I don't know where you live but google SPODA - they were a godsend for us and there must be something similar where you are.

He is 22! A big difference from 17.

babymoo

My apologies I read the whole thread in 2 sittings and must have misread somewhere saying that he is 17. Not sure why. Again my apologies however being 22 doesn't mean that it won't get any worse.

nickj_2

at 22 he should be in charge of his own destiny without interference from parents especially if he's not living at home.he's a man , not a child
i would give him an ultimatum(end of week) to sort the car out or you will inform the police or take the car back .
he needs to sort out his priorities , bills before drugs etc .
you need to tell him that you will always love him , but you don't like him atm until he sorts himself out you cannot bail him out anymore . he probably won't like it , but standing on his own 2 feet will do him good

mildred1978

babymoo wrote: »

My apologies I read the whole thread in 2 sittings and must have misread somewhere saying that he is 17. Not sure why. Again my apologies however being 22 doesn't mean that it won't get any worse.

He got done for drink driving at 17.

the_rottweiler

You already know what to do..Now do it.
Take the car away, at least until he can tax and insure it. I dont care how rural it is.

I have cousins that walked 7 miles to town to work, this was not years ago but in the very recent past.

My son who is 19, got his provisional license in September, his CBT in October, his motorbike in November, ( and has only ridden it on private land) but due to birthday money, has managed to get it insured after midnight tonight. Is my son weird or abnormal?
No, he is a law abiding citizen, who knows that his actions will have a consequence.

brokenlily

Speaking as someone who works with teens and young adults, I recognise a lot of this.

Your lad is very lucky that you've been as supportive as you have up to now, and frankly he should count his lucky stars that he's also got off with very little serious consequence for his misdemeanours. I have worked with young people who have been in a lot more trouble for less.

I didn't read all the thread, but I do think that if you are able to, you should take the car away. If he is driving without insurance or under the influence of drugs, he could seriously hurt or kill someone who would then have no recourse to get any compensation from an uninsured driver, or one whose insurance was negated because of driving under the influence of dope.

It does very much sound like the dope is coming first right now. Perhaps you could declare the car SORN and have it stashed away for some day when he comes to his senses, but obviously don't tell him that....

bestpud

I'm not so sure about taking the car away tbh.

In some ways, that is also treating him like a child and also giving him a chance to become indignant.

If its in his name then I'd count that as his christmas present and leave it be. I say that as its going to be extremely tough for the OP to step back and removing the car is going to cause more anger and he will potentially use it as a stick to beat her with. Something needs to change but that's possibly more than she can cope with right now.

However, I would tell him he will be reported for driving illegally and tell him it is for the safety of him and other road users. And I would report him.

That way, if he loses the car, it is his responsibility as he was warned.

babymoo

Dont take the car away, just call the police and report it for having no tax and being parked on a main road as soon as you know it is parked somewhere like that. It's harsh but he never need know it was you who reported it but you can also start helping him by letting him help himself out of this mess.