Am I Being Mean?

bestpud

gravitytolls wrote: »

He's always been able to do it, to all of us. I know how I'd advise a friend, but I know I'd also be saying, 'but he's your son, I know how you feel....'

Must be strong, we can't afford to bail him out, so we have no option but to resist his manipulations.

I know he's your son but you really aren't helping him at the moment.

It's horrible when you reach this point, I know, but you really do need to step back and let him get in with it.

He is making serious errors despite your input so you won't be responsible for anything he does once you withdraw it. He is of an age where he must choose how he wants his life to go and you can be there to offer emotional support and love, but anything more than that is actually having the opposite effect.

Hopefully he will thank you for taking the hard line, but if you carry on making excuses for him, he will always blame you for anything that goes wrong in his life.

Let him take the reigns - his life, his responsibility, his consequences.

This is more about you in many ways and you need to address your unwillingness to let go.

gravitytolls

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

If he can rent somewhere in a rural area, he could rent somewhere in a town.

Living in the country is great with young kids but makes a young adult's life very difficult when it comes to employment.

Same problem with no deposit, no credit worthy history, no HB. I have indeed suggested he look for an exchange to the city, his pals and GF are nearby, so he's not open to the idea. His previous employer strongly advised against it when he was looking before, as he felt he was an easy target for people without his best interests at heart.

Scared the hell outta me, I reckon he's better off where he is unless he can move there with a mate.

Oldernotwiser

gravitytolls wrote: »

His new GF has a baby, he hasn't moved in with her. This alone gives me hope, as it would be far easier to just jump on the bandwagon of parenthood, he hasn't, and I'm very very glad about that.

Don't you think that it's far more likely that she'd lose her benefits if he moved in with her?

I don't mean to be harsh but you really need to take those rose coloured specs off and not keep putting a favourable twist on everything he does.

Caroline_a

gravitytolls wrote: »

Thanks for that. Until the police start testing for this substance, what's to be done. I suspect it's more common than DD now.

They do test - http://drugdrive.direct.gov.uk/testfordrugs.shtml#fiaTest

And there's a blood test as well. Whether it's common or not, it's still against the law, with potential fatal consequences for both him and other road users. How would you feel if he killed a child, or himself? You appear to be trying to give him excuses for this behaviour by saying 'ah but he refused to have a child with his ex', which of course isn't relevant to this at all! That's a bit like saying he isn't mugging people, so it's ok for him to drive uninsured (as he will be without tax) and under the influence of a drug that will make him lethargic and unfit to drive.

I'm sorry if it sounds harsh, but by tacitly condoning his behaviour you are just as guilty as he is!

Oldernotwiser

gravitytolls wrote: »

Same problem with no deposit, no credit worthy history, no HB. I have indeed suggested he look for an exchange to the city, his pals and GF are nearby, so he's not open to the idea. His previous employer strongly advised against it when he was looking before, as he felt he was an easy target for people without his best interests at heart.

Scared the hell outta me, I reckon he's better off where he is unless he can move there with a mate.

You mean he's got a council flat as well?:eek:

I apologise if I've got this wrong but don't you have rather a large family? What sort of example is his (and your ) behaviour setting for the rest of them?

What's his father doing in all this?

gravitytolls

A quick add, he has taken up bait digging, he gets picked up and dropped off, equipment he pays for weekly, but he's not earned more than about £20 so far, but all the diggers are not getting much, they assure him things will pick up.

This is partly why I'm so disappointed. He's trying to earn, but the little he is earning, isn't being saved, so I go 'hurrah', when he says he's working, followed a couple of weeks later with a return to despondency.

Still, I gave him the number for fortnightly free paper delivery, which he called. That's hopeful eh?

peachyprice

gravitytolls wrote: »

I will say this, his previous GF wanted a baby, he refused, knowing he wasn't ready to start a family. His new GF has a baby, he hasn't moved in with her. This alone gives me hope, as it would be far easier to just jump on the bandwagon of parenthood, he hasn't, and I'm very very glad about that.

It probably has far more to do with her not wanting a dopehead around her baby and him refusing to stop than a sensible decision by him.

He can't make a sensible decision about anything else in his life, why do you think he would do about this?

gravitytolls

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Don't you think that it's far more likely that she'd lose her benefits if he moved in with her?

I don't mean to be harsh but you really need to take those rose coloured specs off and not keep putting a favourable twist on everything he does.

Well yes, but they's have a combined income, with one set of outgoings. The same with the first who wanted a baby.... Mind you he was working then.

mildred1978

gravitytolls wrote: »

We moved to a rural area when he was small, as we felt that his personality was such that he would be likely to end up with the lads that nick cars and get hooked on drugs. I think we made the right choice.

I can't believe what I'm reading. So because he doesn't nick cars it's okay for him to drive drunk (at 17!), drive stoned without insurance (which won't cover anything if he has an accident when under the influence) and not bother with tax. That rural upbringing has done him the world of good, hasn't it?

You've a very warped view of what is okay as far as I can see.

gravitytolls

I don't have rose coloured specs, I assure you, but I have to try to focus on anything slightly positive, rather than the many negatives. No one wants to think badly of their children, let down, disappointed maybe, because you remain hopeful, but not badly.