Am I Being Mean?

Oldernotwiser

I'd be far more worried about the consequences for other people of his driving without insurance. I'd either take the car away from him or report him to the police.

By the way, why on earth has he stayed living in a rural area where it's difficult to find work when he's left home? Surely that's pretty pointless?

mildred1978

Presumably he's smoking dope and driving as well.

How did you manage to insure him for £520 per year if he has an IN10 on his license??

MrsManda

I don't think you're being mean at all. He's got to learn to stand on his own two feet and there's no chance of that when he knows he doesn't have take responsibility for his actions because you're there to catch him.

I think parents are there to support their children and can provide a safety net in emergencies but your son isn't using you as a safety net, he's just using you.

It must be really hard to say no but until he realises that it's up to him to sort out the mess he's in he's not going to improve. You've done an amazing amount for him but he's 22 and needs to take responsibility for his own life.

sexki11en

gravitytolls wrote: »

And of course he isn't a bad lad

Really? Driving without tax& insurance, putting dope over bills? 3 laws broken right there (and he's done it before and hasn't learnt) What on earth would he have to do to be considered a bad lad?! :eek:

SK x

Caroline_a

Driving under the influence of drugs can carry up to a 6 month prison sentence. How can you condone this dangerous practice? Even if you don't care about other people's children being hurt by his irresponsible behaviour, I'd have thought you might like him to stay alive.. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1504501/Driving-while-high-on-cannabis-triples-risk-of-fatal-crash.html

pinkshoes

I'd tell him that unless he pays his tax and insurance by Friday, you'll be reporting him to the police yourself.

He has to learn somehow...

busiscoming2

Yes children are a worry, yes they use the guilt trip method to try and get what they want and yes we as parents naturally want to give our kids everything.
BUT there comes a time when you have to let them make their own mistakes and build up resistance to the guilt you feel.

I too can't understand why he is still living rurally if he has his own place. There are jobs out there but probably not what would be one of his first choices of career.

Step back and let him get on with it.

gravitytolls

bestpud wrote: »

He manipulates you because you allow him too; he's pressing your buttons.

You need to find a way of being more objective. Ask yourself what you'd suggest to a friend in the same situation.

He's always been able to do it, to all of us. I know how I'd advise a friend, but I know I'd also be saying, 'but he's your son, I know how you feel....'

Must be strong, we can't afford to bail him out, so we have no option but to resist his manipulations.

gravitytolls

Owain_Moneysaver wrote: »

Driving without insurance, driving without tax - how many points does he have left before he loses his licence?

The car may have been freely gifted but the insurance etc was a loan which you are entitled to have repaid from his assets. And if he's driving untaxed, uninsured, and under the influence of drugs you have a moral obligation to take the car back before he kills someone. Tough love's tough sometimes.

And if you get him jeans for christmas - Tesco do them, £5.

No points.... DD 5 yrs ago, no points, DH went to court with him, accepted that he must face responsibility, but also pointed out that we had already contacted the police several times about pubs serving him, and not just a sneaky pint, he was rolling out of them. No one wanted to know.

Anyhoo, he escaped points, but got a fine and had to attend youth offenders team for counselling. He manipulated them too.

No insurance, went to court, explained that he bought the car with his first weeks wages, but couldn't afford the insurance deposit until the next weeks wages, he knew it was wrong, didn't know what else to do etc. They were understanding, let him keep his less than a year old full licence, but gave him a fine instead, 'nice to see a young man trying to get back on his feet.'

So, he's busked his way through life to date, managed to charm everyone he comes into contact with and seems to have learned no lessons in life.

He does have 3 recent points for mobile phone use. He tried to blame his GF 'I told her don't ring me when I'm driving.' I pointed out it wasn't her fault, she didn't know until he answered, and if he can't ignore the phone he should turn it off.

This is normal to him, his whole life he has blamed others, and often manages to make others feel very guilty. When he was done for DD, he implied it was our fault, as he was coming to see us. The police saw him leave the pub and get on his moped, stopped him before he'd gone 10 yards.

Oldernotwiser

gravitytolls wrote: »

He's always been able to do it, to all of us. I know how I'd advise a friend, but I know I'd also be saying, 'but he's your son, I know how you feel....'

Must be strong, we can't afford to bail him out, so we have no option but to resist his manipulations.

That sounds as if you would bail him out if you could afford it - I can't understand why!

Forget about the money side of things and just do what's best and right for your son.