Am I Being Mean?

gravitytolls

Well Sean, you may judge me thus, but as I have said, we would have no hesitation in contacting the police if we knew he was driving inder the influence, and have previously. However, it is not right for anyone to be doing so if the person is innocent, not to mention wasting police resources.

People with known issues are handed back their licences all the time, alcoholic and drug dependency unit are content to allow controlled usage whilst holding a driving licence. I speak from personal experience of such places.

Alcoholics drive, they get reported to the police, but unless they're caught in the process of driving, nothing happens.

He swears he doesn't drive under the influence, I have seen nothing to persuade me differently. If I did .... well, as I've said.

And yes, you're right, shame on me, because I don't know how to help him or get through to him that he needs to be more responsible.

For the record, I don't know if he drives under the influence, I'm hoping losing his licence for DD taught him that lesson, and though his anti drugs GF has told me that he's buying it, we've not seen him under the influence or smelt it on him since he moved out of our home 18 mths ago. Nonetheless, I believe her, as I can't see what's in it for her to fib.

gravitytolls

bestpud wrote: »

I've been there and have done it with my child, and he was younger than 22!

It was awful, I'd never try and say otherwise, but it worked!

He found an apprenticeship, worked all the hours he could, was employed by the company and now earns well. He can still be a prat, don't get me wrong, but he's responsible, law abiding and had a steady job.

I'd do it again with my other children if push came to shove, but luckily, they've not made the same mistakes. In fact DD1 thinks her brother was completely unreasonable and we did the right thing (she still tells him so when he has his uppity moments!)

Also, she saw what we went through and is more considerate for knowing how difficult it can be to parent a teen who is off the rails.

You really aren't alone!

Thanks love. Reckon I'm ready to handle teen pregnancy, dropping out, emigrating, coming out, most things, but I truly can't handle the eldest, I just feel carp all the time and wish I knew what to do. I'm sure you know that all the advice doesn't make knowing what to do any easier.

Anyhoo, gonna go now, I do appreciate those who took time to reply, even if I didn't like the reply, but I'm a bit weepy, so better get away from here for a bit.

thanks to you all.

Plans_all_plans

Can I ask what your husband's take on all this is? How strict is he and more importantly, how good is he at backing you up? Do you feel as though you are taking on the burden of the eldest on your own?

The reason I ask is because in my teenage years I went off the rails a little bit and showed a complete lack of respect to my parents and refused to follow their rules. Looking back, I can see that my dad was totally ineffectual when it came to laying down the law and it ALL fell to my mum. So as there was no united front, I walked all over her and did as I pleased.

It's very important for parents to be singing from the same hymn sheet and if you and your husband are on a different page OR if your husband is shying away from confrontation, then I would personally say that needs to change.

Seanymph

But he's not innocent is he? He has no tax on his car - it is illegal - he shouldn't be driving it. He also hasn't been able to pay his insurance.

Caroline_a

gravitytolls wrote: »

I don't believe I suggested it was okay. The rural upbringing has probably saved him from prison and serious addiction.

He is currently insured, if he doesn't sort himself out, he will lose the car. Stoned, no, which is why he no longer lives here, we don't tolerate it. We don't see him that way, if we did, we would remove the keys. We have previously contacted the police when he took keys and walked back to the pub where he left his moped (17). They picked him up before he got there, they still did nowt about the pub serving him alcohol, but he was charged with ..... actually I'm not sure, but he was reprimanded after a night in the cells.

Yes, he's well aware of how serious we consider his behaviour, which is why he keeps it very secret.

What can I say, like all parents we do our best, try to raise our offspring to be decent, but the eldest just didn't respond in the same way, preferring to accept the influence of his peers.

Without a doubt we've made mistakes, can anyone say they haven't?

No he isn't as he has no tax. Insurance is dependent on having a current MOT and tax.

I'm sure we all understand that children are a worry and a trial, but you have to decide whether you want your children seeing that you are condoning breaking the law.

I know what I would be deciding. I do hope that your son doesn't live anywhere near my family...

serious_saver

It's a tough one but at 22 he is his own person. All you can do is offer him advice and guidance and hope he makes the right decisions.

Have a chat with him and point out that the DVLA have ways of checking electronically if you are taxed and insured. They will send out an automatic fine for unpaid tax as well as reminders about insurance. This means that he could get caught out even if he isn't stopped by the police.

Seanymph

unless the OP was dopey enough to keep the car registered in her name.

merlot123

Seanymph wrote: »

unless the OP was dopey enough to keep the car registered in her name.

I think this post is rather rude to be honest.

You may not agree with the OP, but please be nice to moneysavers:money:

mildred1978

Caroline_a wrote: »

No he isn't as he has no tax. Insurance is dependent on having a current MOT and tax.

...

That's not actually true for the vast majority of insurers.

Caroline_a

mildred1978 wrote: »

That's not actually true for the vast majority of insurers.

If it isn't taxed it needs a SORN - http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Motoring/OwningAVehicle/HowToTaxYourVehicle/DG_10021514 - and I doubt if any insurance company would pay out for a non-taxed vehicle that was involved in any claim.