Would you go?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

bagginslover wrote: »

My Boyfriend and I are having a bit of a set-to about xmas this year.

We are going to my parents in the morning, then he is supposed to be going to his dads in the afternoon. I'm not going with him as his sister lives just round the corner from his dad, and last time I saw her she physically attacked me.

He is saying i need to make an effort and come as its xmas, and that his sister will be told to stay away if I'm going-problem is, the day she went for me, she was also told not to come over..... She can't see what she has done wrong, and refuses to apologise (which is fine, I don't want an insincere apology)

I don't feel its a case of me making and effort or not, its a case of me wanting to stay safe, and I don't feel safe going there when I know she is home (I do go over with him when she is away). My boyfriend is getting quite upset at my refusal to go, though he is normally quite happy (he goes over every sunday at the moment as he is doing a project with his dad over there).

Am I being unreasonable? Would you go?

Having been in a similar situation (although the sister concerned never tried it again after I went after her - she didn't realise I was telling the truth about muay thai kickboxing competitions before then - but she did after she tried to smash my face with empty beer bottles and a plant pot she had carried down for the occasion) - I'm afraid there is only one thing I can recommend.


Ditch the bloke and find another one.


Otherwise every special occasion will be the same, cos it's all about FAAAAAAAAAMMMMLEEE, innit?

bagginslover

Thank you all for your replies and insights. I'll try to address a few points that have been assumed where I didn't give enough info.

GobbledyGook wrote: »

Sorry, I meant more if she comes round and they let her in.

the_cat wrote: »

After all, how likely is it that she is going to be able to overpower a shut door, 2 men and a grown woman all intent on keeping her out of a property in order to assault the OP?

They won't need to let her in, nor will she have to force her way through a shut door-she has a key. Their kitchen-diner in at the back of the house, and thats where everyone socialises, the first we'd know of her arrival would be her key in the door.

meritaten wrote: »

OP - I think the reason your OH is getting angry is that despite his repeated reassurances from him (and his dad) that you WILL be safe - you are digging your heels in and refusing to go!
I think you have to see 'their' point of view - they obviously believe that they have 'sorted out' the matter by telling your SIL to stay away. They think that they have protected you - and now you are saying you wont go as you dont feel safe enough! they are now feeling that you dont TRUST them to protect you!
I think you SHOULD go! you have two men who obviously dont want a repeat of the violence. Trust them! Your OHs dad has done nothing wrong and neither has OH. at least give them a chance to prove theirselves to you!
SIL is prob going to be with her own family anyway! and if she DOES come round spoiling for a fight - Then a bucket of water chucked over her will prob make her change her mind!

In response to your first point (bolded), I'm not really digging my heels in, I'm continuing with the pattern that I set beginning May 15th when she attacked me. I've not gone over there when she is home since that day (she literally lives a stones throw away), and I can't understand why its come as such a surprise to my boyfriend that I still don't want to go.

The second point in bold- you'd think wouldn't you, but she turns up at her dads with no notice, is sometimes there when he gets home from work! She has pets that he houses there for her, so its not completely odd that she go round at odd hours. I wouldn't put it past her to wear the baby to stop anyone from doing anything to her. She wears one of those carry harness things (and still does now even though the baby is so big apparently). Whether it would stop her from doing anything is anyones guess though, and I don't want to risk it, not for me, and not for their family.

bagginslover

BlueAngelCV wrote: »

IMO your OH should try and be much more understanding about how you're feeling. You're not stopping him going round to see his Dad so I don't really see why he needs to turn this into such a big deal and you certainly shouldn't let him make you feel bad about it

He does understand, at least he says he does, but he is saying I should 'make an effort' for his dad as its xmas. I don't see how it being a particular date makes any difference to the risk, especially when its a date that families like to get together. He can't see that while I'm trying to protect myself, I'm also trying to make sure his family doesn't become split like mine is.

meritaten wrote: »

Is bagginslover going to avoid going round to OHs dad for the rest of her life?!

If neccisary, yes. My safety, and keeping their family together is far more important to me than me going to a particular address regularly.

meritaten wrote: »

Is she going to give sil the satisfaction of knowing that baggins is dead scared of her? The power she gives that woman by doing that is going to haunt her.

I have beem bullied most of my life, this isn't a new thing for me. Bullies only have power (IMO) if they can continue to goat, and hurt me. By staying away I am denying her that power, and I have no reason to be afraid.

meritaten wrote: »

OH and DAD cannot do much more than they have done! short of getting sil sectioned for the day!
I think I would be upset if my OH refused to enter my mums under these circumstances - I would think he doesnt trust me or mum!

No, they can't do much more, you are right, and as the whole point of this thread it my chap being upset, you are right there too. I do however trust him, and his dad to tell her to stay away, I also trust them to carry out their threat to cut her off if she were to come over. I don't trust her to beleive them though, she will think they are bluffing and do whatever she wants, then it'll be my fault that their family breaks down.

Mojisola wrote: »

If his sister is angry with bagginslover now, isn't she going to feel even more aggrieved if she is banned from her father's house on Christmas Day while bagginslover is welcomed in?

I think you are right, she will feel very put out that she isn't alolowed to come over when I am on this day that everyone (but me I'd like to point out! I'm not religious, and my last few xmases have been rubbish) feels is so special.

bagginslover

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Having been in a similar situation (although the sister concerned never tried it again after I went after her - she didn't realise I was telling the truth about muay thai kickboxing competitions before then - but she did after she tried to smash my face with empty beer bottles and a plant pot she had carried down for the occasion) - I'm afraid there is only one thing I can recommend.


Ditch the bloke and find another one.


Otherwise every special occasion will be the same, cos it's all about FAAAAAAAAAMMMMLEEE, innit?

I'm not strong, or trained, but if I started, I wouldn't stop. Another reason to not put myself in the position. I have far too much stored anger!

As for splitting with my bloke over it....its not something I want to do, at all, but I have considered it. We have been living together for 2 years, in a relationship for 3, friends for a year before that. We also work in the same place. Its a lot to throw away over someone else..... I am more than happy to sit out of all family gatherings etc, it doesn't bother me at all, it bothers him far more.

mummyroysof3

have you spoke to his dad about your fears yourself?

Sambucus_Nigra

I would go about it a different way if it were me.

I'd tell my OH that special occasion or no, you were attacked and until you get an apology you will not be returning. You'd not dream of asking for his sister not to see family on this special occasion and neither would you dream of asking OH not to go. So, go, enjoy himself and you will be waiting when he gets back with a bottle open and the fire on.

Don't make it about you being scared, make it about you being the bigger person.

bagginslover

I have, he isn't worried at all about me not wanting to go when she is around, he is happy as long as I am. He reassures me everytime that he'd make sure she knew I'd be there, and that she isn't to come or he'll disown her, I would honestly rather she beat me to a pulp than make her dad disown her though. I've seen what a 'problem' child has done to my own family, and I do not want to cause that in theirs too.

mummyroysof3

yeah i can understand you not wanting to cause any problems..shame she doesnt feel that way though. good luck with what you decide as im sure no matter how much they reassure you, you will be on edge the whole time looking at the door just incase.How had she been towards you before this incedent?

bagginslover

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

I would go about it a different way if it were me.

I'd tell my OH that special occasion or no, you were attacked and until you get an apology you will not be returning. You'd not dream of asking for his sister not to see family on this special occasion and neither would you dream of asking OH not to go. So, go, enjoy himself and you will be waiting when he gets back with a bottle open and the fire on.

Don't make it about you being scared, make it about you being the bigger person.

That is exactly what I have said. He knows I'm scared, I don't tell him repeatedly, I don't need to, he tells me not to be scared so he does know. They have tried to make her apologise, but I've told them not to 'make' her, whats the point if she doesn't mean it? She was apparently annoyed that I deleted her from my Facebook too, who would remain 'facebook friends' with someone who attacked them?!

bagginslover

mummyroysof3 wrote: »

yeah i can understand you not wanting to cause any problems..shame she doesnt feel that way though. good luck with what you decide as im sure no matter how much they reassure you, you will be on edge the whole time looking at the door just incase.How had she been towards you before this incedent?

We got on ok before.
There was a small incident last xmas. She was heavily pregnant, and as I mentioned before, I am very uncomfortable around that. She promised that if I came over there would be no baby talk at all, the rest of the family promised too, so I agreed to make myself go, to make the effort as my boyfriend would put it. Turned out she decided to invite some friends over and didn't bother to tell them about the 'no baby talk' rule, as the first thing I heard when her front door opened was 'you are getting massive,how much longer have you got to go?!' I turned straight back around and went back to her dads house in floods of tears. I spent the rest of xmas day (this was early evening) alone as I told my boyfriend to stay there so he could be with his family.
When asked, she said she didn't think it would really matter if they talked about the baby, but she did apologise. I told her how I was likely to react right back when she first announced she was pregnant (not right away, I didn't spoil her announcement or anything), and she was sympathetic, and cried with me over my boy. Now she has her daughter, she is the most important thing ever (as it should be, for her) and everyone has to feel the same.