Would you go?

mummyroysof3

ok so you are concerned for yourself but also worried that it will cause rifts in their family too? have you told them that you will leave rather than them make her leave?

tbh to me it sounds like they were upset with her behaviour so if they wish to cut her off after a second chance thats their choice and you should let them

Mojisola

mummyroysof3 wrote: »

tbh to me it sounds like they were upset with her behaviour so if they wish to cut her off after a second chance thats their choice and you should let them

If that's their thinking, it's very unreasonable of them. The sister will always see bagginslover as the reason her family cut her and her children off. That kind of resentment could build up into something quite nasty with someone who has already shown herself capable of violent behaviour.

bagginslover

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

But she did it once and shows no remorse hence she could do it again.

And sorry, but if you aren't as important as his family then why are you with him?

I am really angry with him for not backing you here; you are his partner and he needs to back you on this. You are an adult and it's your decision to make...if he doesn't like it then his problem, not yours.

It makes sense to me, he's known them all his life, they are blood, im not.... I'm happy with that. If both I and one of his family members were in opposite ends of a hospital dying, I'd expect, and want him to be with them, not me.
I'm angry with him too, but he doesn't respond well to that, so I'm trying to reason with him rather than argue.

mummyroysof3 wrote: »

ok so you are concerned for yourself but also worried that it will cause rifts in their family too? have you told them that you will leave rather than them make her leave?

tbh to me it sounds like they were upset with her behaviour so if they wish to cut her off after a second chance thats their choice and you should let them

No I haven't told them that, as the end result would still be the same regardless-she'd be cut off by them. This wouldn't only happen if she came round as xmas, it would happen any day if she were expressly told not to come because I was there, and come anyway. Its that I'm trying to avoid more than anything else.

They were very upset with her behavior. My boyfriend didn't speak to her for weeks, but did get huffy with me when I asked if they were speaking again, 'why shouldn't I speak to her, she's my sister!'. I don't know what heppened between her and her dad afterwards, whether they didn't speak etc, I do know he is still angry with her for attacking me though.

It is their choice, but its my choice too, and if I could, I'd do anything to heal the rift in my own family. I don't want anyone to resent me for not staying away, I'll blame myself enough without that.

January20

OP, if it were me I would go, because of the reasons that another poster said, showing that you trust your OH and his Dad to keep you safe, but also because if the sister did turn you would then be proven right, and would have heavy ammunition to avoid such situation in future without the hassle you are getting now. If everything goes ok, it could also be the start of many good occasions for you and your OH's family.

Although you say you don't want to cause problems, you are. By refusing to go, and upsetting your OH, you are causing a problem. As for the family being split, I think it already is. By having to segregate you and the sister, your OH and his Dad have to "take sides" in a sense, to protect you and I feel the family is already damaged. Don't make your decision based on those 2 points. None of this is your fault though.

For what it's worth, I can completely see your point of view and why you wouldn't want to be there. The sister sounds very unsympathetic, self centred and violent. Why would anybody violently attack somebody in the circumstances you describe is beyond me! However, I feel you have an opportunity to be the bigger person here and show how reasonable and caring you are.

Don't think that by staying away you are getting one over the bully as she will see it as scaring you away and spoiling your Christmas. You being there is showing her that you are not scared, that she can't keep you away, that both your OH and his Dad want you there greatly.

Finally, you are not responsible for the actions of the Dad: if he disowns his daughter because she has not done what he wanted her to do, it's between them and it has nothing to do with you.

mummyroysof3

january20 said what i was thinking but much better tbh....if they decide to disown her you shouldnt feel responsable for that..its for them to decide do not feel guilty..try to go it may work out better than you are thinking it will.

not sure your other half should expect you to stay overnight though if you feeling uncomftable after being there..compromise might be to take your car and only stay if you feel like it not decide in advance.

bagginslover

I know I'm causing problems by not going, but it's the lesser of 2 evils I suppose.....

As for being ammunition for other events, it wouldn't be, because she'd be excluded from them, either way one of us wouldn't be there, and I'd rather it was me, as its her family-I'm thinking of her too.

I do trust them, they know I do, I've told them so many times and they have never questioned it, I don't trust her, and neither do they or there would be no need to threaten her. I don't want anyone to take sides, I'm happy to be the one thats left out. (happy is probably the wrong word, but you know what I mean.)

Do you think I'm being unreasonable and uncaring by trying to keep their family together? I'm not being flippant, I'm honestly asking, I can't see how I could be more caring putting them before myself.

I am scared, but it won't spoil christmas for me. I go through the motions of giving presents, eating turkey etc, but its just another day to me these days, nothing to be spoilt. I am still sufferring from depression, perhaps thats why, I'm not on any medication at the moment-been off it for nearly a year, trying to manage it myself, but not doing so well at the moment.

I can see reasons both for and against going, and if it were me offering the advice it might be different, but I still don't want to go.

Sambucus_Nigra

Listen darling. I'm not going. You can't force me to go. You can whinge and whine all you like, but it isn't going to change anything. It in'nt gonna happen. So drop it. Now, do you want a cup of tea?

onlyroz

If this is a serious long-term relationship, and if your boyfriend's sister is a significant part of his life or of the life of his immediate family, then you need to find a way to get on with her - or at least co-exist in the same room for a few hours.

I also don't see how you can realistically stay away from people with babies forever.

the_cat

bagginslover wrote: »

They won't need to let her in, nor will she have to force her way through a shut door-she has a key. Their kitchen-diner in at the back of the house, and thats where everyone socialises, the first we'd know of her arrival would be her key in the door.
.

Well that is simple to fix. Put one of your keys in the lock from the inside. Then she can't barge in unannounced

burnoutbabe

i think you should go, you are causing problems by not going and not giving the dad/boyfriend a chance to prove they mean what they say when they say she is not alowed in.

do you really think she will fight past 2 men to get to you? She will be told to leave if she came and that would be it.

And if they let her in, you just leave and then its the end of the relationship anyway. trying to avoid the issue for the next 50 years isn't going to work?

Why did you not call the police when she attacked you before? that would have shown everyone how serious it was.

and if i was dying and boyfriends mum also was, i'd expect him to try and see me, he chose me to be his. (though of course conflicted). you shoud try and see a counsellor about your self worth, and work on improving it, putting others and their feelings before yourself all the time isn't healthy.