Would you go?

Buffythedebtslayer

I understand what you mean, I haven't read all the replies - sorry, however I would hate to be in that situation. I wouldn't go to be honest. I wouldn't be hugely worried about being hurt not in comparision to the pain it would cause the father to see his daughter behave in such a way or my BF to have to chose between his sister and me (although in fairness I would hope he would "pick" me)I understand what you mean when you say you don't want to split up the family.

I think the logical thing to do is not go, yes it is difficult for the BF to get but equally being stuck in that situation waiting for her to turn up all day would be horrible.

I also understand a little about the kids and your feelings, all my friends have kids, I was the one who always wanted them but never had them. I do hate being at those gatherings were it is all about baby this and baby that. I go I sit and I listen and I play with the kids but later I know I will be sad and I will always volunteer to leave to get supplies or do the washing up. It is extremely difficult. Doable but hard. must be so painful at times for you. I am deeply sorry.

The only way I would go is if I had an escape route? my car and say to the BF this is the compromise. we take my car and if there is any trouble I can go home, I do not want to be the trigger (for your sister's mental imbalance) for ruining your relationship with your sister. I am depressed and a little all over the show and do not want to cope with any massively emotional or tense situations.( please leave me alone! )

good luck what ever your decision

xxxx

bagginslover

Fizzpop wrote: »

I understand how you feel i really do as i lost a baby not long after my sil had given birth and i did find it difficult to be around the baby and pregnant women etc But and this is a huge but you are going to have to come to terms with the fact she has a baby who essentially will be your niece if you and the BF marry.

She was in the wrong to attack you and that is something i will not condone... so i do understand why you wouldn't want to come face to face with her.

But you really have to see someone perhaps a grief counselor or something, you cant expect people not to talk about their pregnancies/babies just because your hurting, what about the fact you could be hurting their feelings or does her feelings not count???

My sil was understanding about my loss she allowed me to go to her and see my niece in my own time and i think my niece is wonderful and it is hard seeing her knowing i should have a son who would have been only 3 months younger than her, we talk about my son too but being around my niece has helped me heal.

I didn't mention it before, as I didn't think it was relavent to this, but my sister-in-law and I were pregnant at the same time, my first, her fourth. I was unable due to my greif to see my brother and his family for well over a year after my termination, even now seeing my youngest nephew is a real struggle as he is just a week or so older than my boy should be. He was nearly 1 the first time I saw him, and I could do little ore than be in the same room. I couldn't talk to him or touch him, I could barely even look at him. I am much better with him now, but he always reminds me too much of what I've lost, and while I can be totally normal around him, play with him, cuddle him etc just like I do with his brothers and sister, afterwards I'm a wreck.

I know I have to get over this (and I HATE those words, they are all wrong, and something that will never happen, but I don't know what the right words are), and that its my problem, and was my decision, I just wish others could see just how difficult it is.

I am a member of a support group for ladies who have had to have terminations for medical reasons. I didn't ask this there first as I knew the replies would be very one sided as they all understand all to well, I needed replies from people outside of similar situations.

supermezzo

What about re-jigging the arrangements? Tell his Dad that he and the sister should spend Xmas Day together, and invite him to yours on Boxing Day. Sister isn't left feeling that she's been pushed out by you, thus angering her even further ( I know she hasn't but I'm willing to bet that thats the way she sees/will see it) and you don't need to sit on tenterhooks all day.

Fizzpop

bagginslover wrote: »

I know I have to get over this (and I HATE those words, they are all wrong, and something that will never happen, but I don't know what the right words are), and that its my problem, and was my decision, I just wish others could see just how difficult it is.
.

You will never ever get over it hun but you will adjust, we celebrated what would have been my sons First birthday by letting some ballons go to the heavens and lighting a candle for him x

Lives move on and for people like me and you it sometimes feels as if they shouldnt move, i personally look round my family and feel as though someone is missing and he will always be missing x

bagginslover

Fizzpop, you are right, I won't ever get over it, thats what I ment about the words being wrong, get past it might be a better phrase.

I'm sorry I didn't say it before, but I am very sorry for your loss, no-one should have to go through what we went through, no-one should have to make that decision.

I have always wanted to mark my son's birthday in some way, but my boyfriend always discourages me (I'm sure you have figured out by now that he isn't my son's father), as he thinks it'll just upset me more. I wanted to go to a meeting with other ladies like us a few months ago too, and he said I shouldn't. I know he means well, and he doesn't want me to get upset, but sometimes I need to be upset...does that make sense?

The thing that I miss, and notice most is when my Mum tell people she has 6 grandchildren... I know she hasn't forgotten him, and it avoids questions, but I always feel like I've been punched in the stomach when she says it.

Fizzpop

Ive pm'd you hun xx

jenhug

You'll never get over the loss of a child, and anyone that asks you to is a buffoon. However, you do need to learn to cope with situations life is going to put in your way, such as family and friends, even strangers, having babies and children. It is life, its what makes the world go round.

You need to mark the fact your son WAS. He WAS your baby and you loved him. you still do. Talk about him, acknowledge him. Its not your boyfriends place to want to hush him away, for him he wasn't real, but for you he was. Why don't you tell us a little about him?

meritaten

bagginslover - not being allowed to acknowledge your baby's birthday, or even existence is NOT helping you grieve - its doing the opposite! Its actually PREVENTING you from moving onward (is that a better term than 'getting over or past' it?)
Can I tell you what parents in China and Japan do if they have terminations - they hold a little ceremony every year to make thier respects to the child who could not be born alive for whatever reason. most common is to tie a piece of silk to a tree. or set free a lantern or paper boat with a candle inside. It's a lovely custom I think and allows parents grieving time.
In Britain I think sometimes people are not ALLOWED to grieve properly - there seems to be 'rules' about how long it takes etc. and of course the stiff upper lip attitude prevails. mainly because other people feel uncomfortable about the greiveing process.
I do wish you would consider joining a group who are all grieving lost babies - I feel it would help you so much. If you havent already done so I mean.

As jenhug says - tell us a bit about him hun - if you feel able. or perhaps just about YOUR feelings!

duchy

You know although you never forget losing a baby (I know it was a termination but that makes no difference) after a while you start to heal and it is VERY unusual to feel such distress that you feel the need to ban even any mention of babies within your hearing a full four years later.
People around you are going to get pregnant and you really can't keep avoiding it or alienating people over it -it'll make life so much more difficult.
It sounds like you've got "stuck" in the grieving process and maybe might need some professional help to help you move on.

That said if you are still so emotionally fragile over babies it probably would be better to not go (plus you'll be on edge the whole time wondering if she's going to turn up) -Why not find a compromise-like invite your BF's Dad around for Christmas Eve -do a special meal etc European style (We used to do this as my ex MIL was Austrian -then she'd go off with her BF Christmas day to visit his family and we'd spend Christmas day with my parents-and no-one felt they'd missed out or were excluded). It's actually a lot of fun -and you get to open some presents early too
I think "banning" his daughter from visiting Christmas day-which she may feel is rejecting her and his grandbaby is far more likely to cause the family split you so dread.

meritaten

You know...........If I physically attacked my Bro's partner causing her injury, I would feel dam lucky I wasnt reported to the police and charged. If I was then told that she would be visiting and to stay away - I would! especially as I was the person in the wrong and I would expect that to turn up would put me in the wrong again! but maybe I am in the minority?