Would you go?

mummyroysof3

i while back now i had a miscarrage in october and over christmas dinner my SIL was telling my MIL about someone she worked with that was pregnant with twins and i ran off to the bathroom to cry( i was off work for 6 weeks with depression and went back into a job where i didnt have to face people),so i know where you are coming from as people dont realise how much it affects you do they?

i really hope you can sort out this situation as it is a tricky one in order for everyone to be happy i think

Sambucus_Nigra

bagginslover wrote: »

That is exactly what I have said. He knows I'm scared, I don't tell him repeatedly, I don't need to, he tells me not to be scared so he does know. They have tried to make her apologise, but I've told them not to 'make' her, whats the point if she doesn't mean it? She was apparently annoyed that I deleted her from my Facebook too, who would remain 'facebook friends' with someone who attacked them?!

I don't know. But you are going to either forgive her, tolerate her, make him understand [and be firm about it], or ditch him. Have you sat down and discussed the likehood of these 4 scenarios with him - properly?

bagginslover

I've not talked to him about splitting, no.
I will not forgive her, why should I when all I have done wrong is to go through something devastating?!
I am currently tolerating her from afar, which considering my fragile mental state, is about all I can manage.
He claims to understand, but still keeps pushing, despite me asking, and telling him not to. I fear that bringing up the possibility of splitting up over it won't have a good effect on his mood.

mummyroysof3

i think it might be worth trying to decide how likely it is that she will turn up tbh..is the fear of it taking over the reality of it? does that make sense?,i hope it doesnt sound nasty either as i cant imagine what it must be like for you but if she does turn up do you think she will attack you again or would it just make things tense and arkward?

Sambucus_Nigra

bagginslover wrote: »

I've not talked to him about splitting, no.
I will not forgive her, why should I when all I have done wrong is to go through something devastating?!
I am currently tolerating her from afar, which considering my fragile mental state, is about all I can manage.
He claims to understand, but still keeps pushing, despite me asking, and telling him not to. I fear that bringing up the possibility of splitting up over it won't have a good effect on his mood.

Be a bit more decisive about it. Just respond with 'why on earth would anyone ever go and risk being social with someone who attacked them, shows no remorse and hasn't apologised?'. Repeat ad infinitum.

Don't argue. Just don't go. If he wants to be huffy about it then you will have to ask him who is more important in his life.

bagginslover

If she turned up, which is likely as she is very stubborn, it would result in her being cut off from the family for sure. I don't know if she'd attack me again or not, but I have no doubt that her dad would carry out his threat, and my boyfriend would go along with him. She probably wouldn't be there long enough to make it tense, as again, I have no doubt she'd be removed from the house, bodily if neccisary, by her dad, as she was last time. Its a situation I don't want any of us to be in, not even her.

Lunar_Eclipse

Have you explained to your boyfriend that you are genuinely scared about your safety and that is why you don't want to go? I'm assuming he isn't fully aware of your feelings.

I think it's a shame to allow your boyfriend's sister to come between you on Christmas day. Unless the previous attack required medical attention, I would go. I would however make it very clear to your boyfriend that he needs to stay with you at all times and that you need to leave immediately if she makes a presence. Or rather, basically discuss it with him and come up with a plan that you both feel comfortable with, yet allows you both to enjoy Xmas day together.

bagginslover

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

Be a bit more decisive about it. Just respond with 'why on earth would anyone ever go and risk being social with someone who attacked them, shows no remorse and hasn't apologised?'. Repeat ad infinitum.

Don't argue. Just don't go. If he wants to be huffy about it then you will have to ask him who is more important in his life.

I don't need to ask, his sister and dad, which I don't mind, they're his family, I'm not.

I will say that to him when he brings it up again though, and see what he says. I predict he'll say 'but she won't do it again', which is besides the point when there is more at stake than just me.

bagginslover

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

Have you explained to your boyfriend that you are genuinely scared about your safety and that is why you don't want to go? I'm assuming he isn't fully aware of your feelings.

I think it's a shame to allow your boyfriend's sister to come between you on Christmas day. Unless the previous attack required medical attention, I would go. I would however make it very clear to your boyfriend that he needs to stay with you at all times and that you need to leave immediately if she makes a presence. Or rather, basically discuss it with him and come up with a plan that you both feel comfortable with, yet allows you both to enjoy Xmas day together.

I have yes, I'm sure I said that already. (I realise you may not have read the whole thread though, I don't mind repeating ) He also knows that I don't want to cause their family to be split by being there.

I didn't seek any medical attention for it, but I possibly should have. My elbow was heavily bruised, painful, and wouldn't straighten for some time. I don't think it was broken (I would have thought that would have hurt more) but it was badly injured. If we both go, the plan will be to stay overnight, and he won't devaite from that-he'll drink, and he'll want to take his car which I cannot drive. If I take my car (which I have suggested before) he'll see it as me trying to be difficult and intending to leave. If she turns up and is ejected he won't see any reason to leave as she'll be gone.

All I want is to avoid being hurt metally and physically, and avoid putting him and his family in a horrible situation. My situation is of my own making, and I'm bringing everyone else down with me.

Sambucus_Nigra

bagginslover wrote: »

I don't need to ask, his sister and dad, which I don't mind, they're his family, I'm not.

I will say that to him when he brings it up again though, and see what he says. I predict he'll say 'but she won't do it again', which is besides the point when there is more at stake than just me.

But she did it once and shows no remorse hence she could do it again.

And sorry, but if you aren't as important as his family then why are you with him?

I am really angry with him for not backing you here; you are his partner and he needs to back you on this. You are an adult and it's your decision to make...if he doesn't like it then his problem, not yours.