Would you go?

coolcait

bagginslover wrote: »

Fizzpop, you are right, I won't ever get over it, thats what I ment about the words being wrong, get past it might be a better phrase.

I'm sorry I didn't say it before, but I am very sorry for your loss, no-one should have to go through what we went through, no-one should have to make that decision.

I have always wanted to mark my son's birthday in some way, but my boyfriend always discourages me (I'm sure you have figured out by now that he isn't my son's father), as he thinks it'll just upset me more. I wanted to go to a meeting with other ladies like us a few months ago too, and he said I shouldn't. I know he means well, and he doesn't want me to get upset, but sometimes I need to be upset...does that make sense?

The thing that I miss, and notice most is when my Mum tell people she has 6 grandchildren... I know she hasn't forgotten him, and it avoids questions, but I always feel like I've been punched in the stomach when she says it.

You're obviously a caring person, who doesn't want to upset other people. Maybe your mum is the same?

The bit in bold above is always a tough call. Someone asks 'How many children/grandchildren/siblings do you have?

If you give them the number in your heart, but explain that one (or more) of them was lost, for whatever reason, you know that the person who asked the question is likely to get upset and embarrassed.

So your heart spares them that misery, by allowing your mouth to tell them a different number.

Learning to live with loss is a long, hard, thankless slog. And sometimes you have to push yourself that step further than you're really comfortable with doing. Otherwise, there's a risk that you'll get stuck.

I'm worried that your OH has stopped you from doing things that you feel would help you move on. I'm worried that he is putting emotional pressure on you to go to his father's on Christmas Day. I'm worried that he has rejected your suggeston that you go in your own car, so that can feel more comfortable about going. It's important to you to feel that you have a way out if it becomes unbearable for you. Why is he trying to prevent that? Why can't you drive his car?

I do tend to agree with the people who believe that it would be a good idea to go to your OH's dad's house on christmas day. If it all goes well (and that's as much a possibility as it all going wrong) then you will have had the chance to face a fear/demon, and beat it. That's part of any process of moving on.

Why is your OH so resistant to finding a way which allows you to meet him halfway (by going to his dad's) while giving the comfort of knowing that you an withdraw from the situation if your fears are realised?

Bufger

i wouldn't bother going. If somebodies family caused me stress i probably wouldn't bother with them again either. Life is to short to worry about things like this so i will quite happily cut them off and start a new adventure.

Most people cant see the bigger picture but its definitely worth a try

supermezzo

Any update OP?

bagginslover

Sorry I've not replied sooner, end of term and been very very busy (private secondary boarding school, we break up earlier ).

I don't think I'm 'stuck' as someone said, I'm fine with most babies these days, friends and peoples I don't know. Family babies are just a bit too close though, and I find it harder. I had been getting better and was able to be around her baby without a struggle when she kicked off, so it wasn't even as though I'd leave the room or anything, I just wasn't all baby-talk and tickles which she expects from everyone. A month or so ago she had a shouting match with her dad because he shouted in pain when the baby grabbed and pulled out a handful of his hair, baby was scared by his shout, and cried, but the fact he had a bald patch (not on his head!) was fine. She just totally over reacts. If she'd left me alone I would have been totally fine a few weeks later.


As for my boyfriend not wanting me to mark birthdays etc, he is trying to stop me from getting upset, his heart is in the right place, but he's never lost anyone he's close to, and refuses to think about anyone dying, so he doesn't understand, and won't be told. I will do something this year for his birthday, but I might not tell him, easier all round. I do have a good friend close by who I knew at the time who would do something with me I'm sure.

As for this Xmas. I'm not going. His dad came over the other day for dinner, and when my boyfriend was out of the room he tried to guilt-trip me into going. Started off by saying how'd I like to surprise my boyfriend, come over with him at Xmas, it'll ruin it for him if I don't, do I want to upset him and so ruin it for everyone? Those aren't the words of someone who cares for me and my feelings, that's someone trying to get their own way. So I'm not going.

supermezzo

Well done for sticking up for yourself.

Mrs.W_2

Good for you! It's not his physical or emotional wellbeing at risk of a bashing.