Would you go?

January20

bagginslover wrote: »

I know I'm causing problems by not going, but it's the lesser of 2 evils I suppose.....

As for being ammunition for other events, it wouldn't be, because she'd be excluded from them, either way one of us wouldn't be there, and I'd rather it was me, as its her family-I'm thinking of her too.

I do trust them, they know I do, I've told them so many times and they have never questioned it, I don't trust her, and neither do they or there would be no need to threaten her. I don't want anyone to take sides, I'm happy to be the one thats left out. (happy is probably the wrong word, but you know what I mean.)

Do you think I'm being unreasonable and uncaring by trying to keep their family together? I'm not being flippant, I'm honestly asking, I can't see how I could be more caring putting them before myself.

I am scared, but it won't spoil christmas for me. I go through the motions of giving presents, eating turkey etc, but its just another day to me these days, nothing to be spoilt. I am still sufferring from depression, perhaps thats why, I'm not on any medication at the moment-been off it for nearly a year, trying to manage it myself, but not doing so well at the moment.

I can see reasons both for and against going, and if it were me offering the advice it might be different, but I still don't want to go.

If anything, I think you are too caring. You sound like a really nice person. You want to keep everybody happy and keep their family together. You feel responsible for everything, other people's actions, when you are not. It's an impossible situation to be in. I think your depression is a great factor in how to handle the situation. You think that by removing yourself from the situation, you will make it better. You may or you may not. I tend to think not.

Of course, there is always Sambucus Nigra's solution... which is not bad at all actually. I hate to be forced to do anything I don't want to do (although I still stand by my opinion in my previous post)

ETA: Good question from burnoutbabe: why didn't you call the police? It was an unprovoked assault after all. I suppose you didn't want to inflame the situation, but in fact it would have shown the sister how unreasonable she was.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

bagginslover wrote: »

I'm not strong, or trained, but if I started, I wouldn't stop. Another reason to not put myself in the position. I have far too much stored anger!

As for splitting with my bloke over it....its not something I want to do, at all, but I have considered it. We have been living together for 2 years, in a relationship for 3, friends for a year before that. We also work in the same place. Its a lot to throw away over someone else..... I am more than happy to sit out of all family gatherings etc, it doesn't bother me at all, it bothers him far more.

What about any future children? Are you happy for them to be excluded in the same way? Or will you send them and hope she doesn't fill them in with how much you 'hate children' because of your first? Or that she doesn't (and this one is from personal experience) go up to one when they are five years old and say 'you had better put your favourite toys in a bag, because I'm going to burn down your house with you and your Mummy and your cat in it and they are going to burn to death'?


They won't see staying away as winning, they will see it as you are too scared to do anything and you are destroying their FAAAAAAAAMMMLLIEEEE because you hate their bond. Which means that in her mind, you have done a million more things that will all come out when she has the opportunity, even if it's shopping in Sainsburys.



Sorry, but it doesn't get any better with women like that.

GobbledyGook

OP you can't keep her relationship with her family on track. She has to do that for herself.

If her father asks her not to come round on Christmas Day and she comes round and it causes bother then that is not YOU causing trouble in her family - that is HER causing trouble in her family.

It's very kind and nice of you to be trying your best to protect their family in this way, but she has to learn (if she has not already) to respect her family and to put them first. If you do it then you'll end up having rows with your BF and that won't change her stance any. If she doesn't respect them in this instance then there will be instances in future where she doesn't either.

You need to concentrate (imo) on your relationship with your BF, and his Dad. You need to let her make her own decisions on whether she cares and respects her family enough to do as they've asked.

meritaten

hun - why are YOU taking responsibility for HER behaviour? because that is exactly what you are doing you know. In effect, you are denying your OH and his dad their own autonomy by taking all this on to your own shoulders!
It is NOT down to you how your OH and his dad treat their sister/daughter. They are adults with minds of thier own you know - but, it comes across in your posts as if you are trying to save them from the consequences of their own actions, over a situation that hasnt happened! It may never happen - you can bet your boots she knows her dad and bro well enough to know that she will be ejected!

you also say that you are thinking of her too by not going - forgive me hun, but thats rubbish. You are just trying to justify your decision by putting a 'spin' on it! and again - whats with this saving people from themselves nonsense? she is an adult - she makes her own decisions and then she has to live with the consequences! If dad and bro have to eject her and the relationship is damaged - That is down to HER, not YOU! your OH and his dad clearly recognise that - and tbh these two men must love YOU very much if they are willing to tell thier own to stay away!

I probably come across as harsh - but hun, ignoring or hiding from this problem for the next 50 years is NOT going to help matters. For your OWN self esteem you need to face it.

edit - I had to come back to say this - I DO sympathise hun, but I think that because of your depression, you have imagined the 'SIL storming in to Dads and physically attacking you again' scenario so often, that you believe deep down that its inevitable! Of course that would scare you!
It's NOT going to happen that way! your OH and his dad wont allow it to! Honest!

Please get some help for your depression, please stop worrying yourself sick over things that might not happen! Please trust your OH and his Dad to keep you safe - and go with a positive attitude that you will enjoy Dads company and it will be terrific!

daska

bagginslover wrote: »

If both I and one of his family members were in opposite ends of a hospital dying, I'd expect, and want him to be with them, not me.

This sentence jumped out and hit me between the eyes. This is a long term relationship yes? Potentially lifelong from the way you talk about it. Why would you expect him to avoid your bedside, the bedside of the person he has chosen to share his life with, in favour of a sibling? Your bedside v. that of his child or parent might create a more difficult choice but actually I think very few people would regard the long term partner as less worthy than a.n.other blood relative.

You need to talk frankly with your OH and his father and allow them to take responsibility for their own decisions and actions. That doesn't imply blind trust, it means that you allow them to find ways to physically ensure your physical and mental wellbeing. That might mean you ask that they put an extra bolt on the door or find some physical barrier so that you know you can't be surprised. It might mean hanging a curtain or moving the furniture so that you are less vulnerable to ranting. Or it might mean that, after talking through all these things, their understanding of what the implications are is improved and they arrange to cook the turkey there and bring it to you (we've done similar).

You also need to allow the sister to take responsibility for her actions. If she ignores her father and brother and gets cut off that is her responsibility. Unless she has a mental impairment that prevents her from understanding that attacking people is unacceptable then she shouldn't be enabled to behave the way she does by anyone, let alone her victims. Ultimately, that is what you're doing, you are protecting the aggressor - where your boyfriend and his father have a much more realistic view of the situation.

And methinks you need to talk with your GP about your depression, your medication or lack of it, and what help you need to sort out whatever it is that makes you think you are not worthy of taking your place in this family.

Good luck hun, I sincerely hope you have a lovely Christmas, your boyfriend obviously loves you very much if he's prepared to kick his sister into touch in order to protect you. And it sounds as if you're a hit with his dad as well.

jenhug

I think putting the inlaw issues aside you need to see a counsellor. You sound like you have self worth issues and have obviously not greived for your baby properly.

I personally would go to my father in laws. unless you don't trust your partner to keep you safe. in which case you shouldn't be with him full stop.

bagginslover

I didn't want you all to think I'd stopped reading your replies, thank you everyone.
I'd worried before I posted this that I might get told I was being selfish or stupid, or that it would decend into the usual arguments, thank you for that too.

I am still very undecided as to what is for the best, but some of you have brought up points I'd not considered before, which is very helpful.

I am going to think about it some more, and discuss it with my boyfriend.

As for my depression, I am in continuing discussion with my Doctor about it, and my current lack of medication is with his agreement, as being on them turns me into an unfeeling zombie, which creates its own set of problems, I have techniques to calm me if I'm too up, and to bring me up if i'm too down, and for the most part they do work.

Welshwoofs

bagginslover wrote: »

We did get on very well, but she cannot cope with the fact that I am not all gooey over her daughter.

I had to terminate a much wanted pregnancy 4 years ago, and ever since (quite understandably I think!) I have found it very hard to be around babies and heavily pregnant women.

I'd go, but I don't think you need to continually justify your position to her. If you don't like being around babies then that's for her to accept and respect.

I've never liked being around babies. I have zero interest in them and I don't even give people's babies a passing comment, let alone go gooey over them. All my friends and family know that if they want clucking and cooing over the offspring, they don't come to me for it.

Draw your line in the sand. Say you'll go but if she turns up and lays a finger on you you'll be phoning the police and reporting it as an assault.

Fizzpop

bagginslover wrote: »

We got on ok before.
There was a small incident last xmas. She was heavily pregnant, and as I mentioned before, I am very uncomfortable around that. She promised that if I came over there would be no baby talk at all, the rest of the family promised too, so I agreed to make myself go, to make the effort as my boyfriend would put it. Turned out she decided to invite some friends over and didn't bother to tell them about the 'no baby talk' rule, as the first thing I heard when her front door opened was 'you are getting massive,how much longer have you got to go?!' I turned straight back around and went back to her dads house in floods of tears. I spent the rest of xmas day (this was early evening) alone as I told my boyfriend to stay there so he could be with his family.
When asked, she said she didn't think it would really matter if they talked about the baby, but she did apologise. I told her how I was likely to react right back when she first announced she was pregnant (not right away, I didn't spoil her announcement or anything), and she was sympathetic, and cried with me over my boy. Now she has her daughter, she is the most important thing ever (as it should be, for her) and everyone has to feel the same.

I understand how you feel i really do as i lost a baby not long after my sil had given birth and i did find it difficult to be around the baby and pregnant women etc But and this is a huge but you are going to have to come to terms with the fact she has a baby who essentially will be your niece if you and the BF marry.

She was in the wrong to attack you and that is something i will not condone... so i do understand why you wouldn't want to come face to face with her.

But you really have to see someone perhaps a grief counselor or something, you cant expect people not to talk about their pregnancies/babies just because your hurting, what about the fact you could be hurting their feelings or does her feelings not count???

My sil was understanding about my loss she allowed me to go to her and see my niece in my own time and i think my niece is wonderful and it is hard seeing her knowing i should have a son who would have been only 3 months younger than her, we talk about my son too but being around my niece has helped me heal.

krlyr

bagginslover wrote: »

If I take my car (which I have suggested before) he'll see it as me trying to be difficult and intending to leave. If she turns up and is ejected he won't see any reason to leave as she'll be gone.

Agree on a compromise. You will drive but you will only leave if she turns up and refuses to go. If she tries to come in and is turned away, you will stay. If her turning up causes a family rift, that is her fault, caused by her - you may be the 'trigger' but you are not forcing her to behave like that, so don't take responsibility or feel guilty for it.
Agree with the suggestion of putting a key on the inside of the door so she cannot let herself in - or is there a latch/second keyhole that could be used to secure the door?

It sounds like your OH's family are all on your side here and willing to ensure you're not put in the same position again, I would personally say give it a try. If she turns up then everyone will be aware of what she may do and I doubt she'll get the chance to get near you. If she does try to attack you, at least you have ammunition to avoid going there next Christmas.
Could it be worth taking a few drops of something like Rescue Remedy to calm your nerves before you go?