Would you go?

bagginslover

That's what I'm trying to do Lotus-Eater, but my boyfriend is getting more and more angry with me over it all. His dad has apparently told her he'll cut her off completely if she comes round, but I just don't trust her, I'm quite scared of her now actually. I had been doing much better with my own issues, which I know are my own, but the way she acted towards me set me back quite a way. I don't expect anyone who's not been through something like I have to truly understand, but accepting isn't so hard surely? Not everyone likes kids, would she be the same with them?

It's not something I want to seperate over, and it won't come to that. I have always made it very clear to my boyfriend that I know she is his sister, and that I'd never ask him not to see her. I am estranged from my own brother, and it's not something I'd wish on someone else.

pinkclouds

bagginslover wrote: »

last time I saw her she physically attacked me.

No. I wouldn't go.

Tbh, I'd consider dumping the boyfriend too. This doesn't sound like the sort of family I'd want to join.

Lotus-eater

Your BF has to understand you feel scared of his sister (and rightly so), if he doesn't get that, then I'm sorry, but he isn't listening to you enough.

Personally, I don't like this idea of them not letting her round when you are there and keeping you away when she is. It's bound to end in tears one way or another.

I think you have to forget her issues and concentrate on yours, your BF and his Dad.
She's beyond reason atm and there is nothing you can do about it.

bagginslover

The rest of the family are 'normal'.

Re: her being allowed over when I'm not there-why not? I would never ask him or his dad to disown her for me, which is another reason I don't want to go-if she does turn up with me there, I'll feel awful if their dad does cut her off-it'll be my fault for splitting their family. I know it's not actually my fault, but I would feel guilty none the less.

make_me_wise

Personally I would not go. However I would make alternative arrangements to see your boyfriends father on xmas day. Why cant he come to your place in the afternoon? Dont let one spiteful, vicious person who has no self control spoil xmas for you all. A bit of compromise and staying one step ahead and someone who sees fit to lash out can be left out in the cold, cant she .

bagginslover

His Dad has already bought all the food etc for them all, just me being absent won't make as much of an impact on the arrangements as the sister and her husband, plus the baby and her step daughter. Plus we couldn't fit the turkey in our oven

make_me_wise

When I read your first post OP it was obvious you are feeling real anxiety over this. Your second post made it clear why you feel so worried. Your boyfriends' sister has not only physically assualted you but also emotionally. No-one has the right to do that to someone.

I can understand exactly why you do not wish to be 'all over' this womans child. I have never been in your position, but it doesn't take for someone to have been to show empathy. As a mum she should have an understanding of how it must feel to have a loss of the magnitude you have. But for the grace of god.

Stand your ground and dont do anything that puts you in the position of not feeling completely safe. Your boyfriend should understand this. Some things are beyond being able to put behind you and I wouldn't take the risk. At best this woman is very unstable and I doubt she would stay away.

Lotus-eater

bagginslover wrote: »

The rest of the family are 'normal'.

Re: her being allowed over when I'm not there-why not? I would never ask him or his dad to disown her for me, which is another reason I don't want to go-if she does turn up with me there, I'll feel awful if their dad does cut her off-it'll be my fault for splitting their family. I know it's not actually my fault, but I would feel guilty none the less.

I didn't say her Dad should cut her off, nor that she shouldn't be allowed over when you are not there.

I said that I didn't think the segregated way of doing it would work very well and sooner or later something would go wrong. In the meantime things will continue to be said behind backs and it can only get worse.

No, it needs to be sorted out and it's not you that has to do it. It's his Dad mainly, he should have stepped up and sorted it from the start.

GobbledyGook

I would give it one more chance personally. If for nothing else, but to show her that she doesn't get to dictate to you.

Have you been to his Dad's since the incident? How are you going to deal with future Christmases or birthdays or family events if you don't ever go round there?

I'd tell your BF and his Dad that you'll go round, but (and I'd make it clear it was a big but) if she comes round not only will you leave but you'll contact the police if you are the victim of another act of violence and you won't ever trust them enough to visit his Dad's house again - ever.

Lotus-eater

GobbledyGook wrote: »

I would give it one more chance personally. If for nothing else, but to show her that she doesn't get to dictate to you.

Have you been to his Dad's since the incident? How are you going to deal with future Christmases or birthdays or family events if you don't ever go round there?

I'd tell your BF and his Dad that you'll go round, but (and I'd make it clear it was a big but) if she comes round not only will you leave but you'll contact the police if you are the victim of another act of violence and you won't ever trust them enough to visit his Dad's house again - ever.

Why? It won't be their fault if she comes round.