Is he useless or am I unreasonable?

Lara44

I think euronorris is spot on. If your OH is not behaving in the way you'd like or expect at this stage in pregnancy, setting out even more 'tests' and 'expectations' is going to make things worse. You'll get more resentful and this will feed into a loop of conflict in the relationship. Much better to be selfish for a while - don't look after him / consider him and prioritise yourself first. This hopefully helps you to get your needs for calm and comfort met (albeit by taking lots of 'me' time and pamper time) and also will hopefully show him how much you actually do to organise your lives. This is a good point in time to readjust the relationship as things will change when the baby comes. Try to do it from a positive place.

VfM4meplse

scheming_gypsy wrote: »

or did you just drop a bollock

I can afford to, I've got more balls than most men.

victory

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

We've had rows before where I've said I feel like I'm doing everything - from the household finances, to booking holidays. My work is office-based and his is manual so its easier and more natural for me to sit a a computer and get things sorted, and in general I'm more that way inclined than him, so whilst there's been times when it feels like I'm doing everything, for the most part, this is just how it's worked. So yes, I guess I have been doing a lot for him and sometimes feel that in terms of the overall "running" of our lives, it would make little difference if I found myself single... So perhaps I've made my bed and now have to lie in it...

This latest spate of stuff has really just been since we've been home. What worries me is that when the baby comes along I simply won't have the emotional capacity to "make sure he's ok" and that we'll just drift apart because he'll feel neglected.

I just don't know how else to approach it all - I've cried/screamed/shouted/talked gently/made light of it and yet he still takes it just as a pure criticism and that I'm trying to make him feel useless.

At the weekend, we were both out with friends, and I left early. I'd had a rubbish night's sleep the night before and was shattered so as I left the conversation went something like him saying "I'll be home soon" and I said "will you make it by 12 as it disturbs me when you come in and I'm knackered from last night so would like to get a decent night's sleep" and he said "yes, see you then". He texts at 12.25 and says "I've just got another beer and then will get a taxi home" so in reality meaning he wouldn't get home until well after 1am. I was cross a) because he was so late and b) that he just hadn't kept his word - yet he could not see why and didn't think he deserved an ear-bashing. Plus this is after a couple of incidents over the past couple of months where he'd been out all night and I'd woken the next morning at 7am-ish not knowing where he was... So after tears and rowing over these incidents, on Sunday he was all "this stops right now, you and the baby are the most important thing, I've been selfish, I need to put you first" it's then galling that just a few days later there's been no sign of him putting me first and in fact has been a mizog to be around, does nothing but put off the things that are important to me and then expects a sodding hand-j0b!

Yu need to ask yourself....

HAS he ever put you first?
Has he ever done something without being asked to do it/reminded/told/nagged etc?
Is he romantic or spontaneous?
Is he domesticated and helpful?
Does he know how to look after himself without you?
Can he clean/cook/ keep house?
Does he ever recall a conversation with you and able to relate it back?
If you cry/moan/beg etc does he ever make things better?
Does he want to change/do you think he has to change/can he change?

If the majority of answers is no then you have a problem

balletshoes

jackieblack wrote: »

:rotfl:
To be honest, I don't believe any man in the course of all human history has ever done this.

If you need to write a birth plan, do it. It is you that will be giving birth, after all. It is you that will need the hospital bag, you make sure you've got everything you need.

absolutely - I was giggling to myself trying to imagine my OH even being aware that a birth plan or hospital bag even existed!

Wonder_Womble

(((Hugs))) BM that you are feeling this way so close to the birth of your baby I can't really offer any advice as I am in a position where OH thinks I don't let him do enough for me at the mo. When I do need him to do things for me I am mindful of when and how I ask him. Like I need him to go in the loft and get the car seat base out so asked him to do it sometime this week. He has suggested this weekend and asked me to remind him as he will forget. This is what works for us.

Are there any things your OH does do for you? My OH always gets up to help me off the sofa, and gets out of bed in the middle of the night to hoist me out when I need the loo for the 10th time, and he does it all without complaint. These are the things I appreciate most.

In terms of the birth plan, I wrote it myself and printed it out and asked him to look at it when he has time and let me know if there is anything he thinks I've missed or that we need to discuss. The hospital bag I wrote a list for myself, and again asked him to look at it to see if he can think of anything I've misssed. He did once comment that all I talk about is being pregnant, and this made me aware that because he isn't experiencing what I am it is not the be all and end all of his life and I make an effort to talk about things that are important to him and listen to him about his day. Pregnancy is hard and it is easy to become self absorbed in what is happening to you. The nitty gritty details of it all just aren't interesting to most men, no matter how much they love you or are looking forward to having a baby with you.

Could it be possible that you are subconsciously getting stressed about the birth and what comes after that you are projecting your anxieties onto him and finding fault?

Gillyx wrote: »

I'll ask when I start doing dinner, could you set the table, then a ten minute warning, could you set the table, and then I'm rushing about trying to put dinner out and set the table, then he get's cross and tells me "I was going to do it" but the horse has bolted by that point!

Gilly I would put the food on the table and sit down and wait for my cutlery to be delivered. When he sits down and realises there is nothing to eat with he will sharp get up again and go and fetch it. As for picking his dirty laundry up - absolutely no way in hell! It would lie on the floor until he put it in the laundry bin, and only then would it get washed

I already knew I was lucky with my OH, but after reading some of the posts on here I've just realised how lucky I am!

Gillyx

Wonder_Womble wrote: »

(((Hugs))) BM that you are feeling this way so close to the birth of your baby I can't really offer any advice as I am in a position where OH thinks I don't let him do enough for me at the mo. When I do need him to do things for me I am mindful of when and how I ask him. Like I need him to go in the loft and get the car seat base out so asked him to do it sometime this week. He has suggested this weekend and asked me to remind him as he will forget. This is what works for us.

Are there any things your OH does do for you? My OH always gets up to help me off the sofa, and gets out of bed in the middle of the night to hoist me out when I need the loo for the 10th time, and he does it all without complaint. These are the things I appreciate most.

In terms of the birth plan, I wrote it myself and printed it out and asked him to look at it when he has time and let me know if there is anything he thinks I've missed or that we need to discuss. The hospital bag I wrote a list for myself, and again asked him to look at it to see if he can think of anything I've misssed. He did once comment that all I talk about is being pregnant, and this made me aware that because he isn't experiencing what I am it is not the be all and end all of his life and I make an effort to talk about things that are important to him and listen to him about his day. Pregnancy is hard and it is easy to become self absorbed in what is happening to you. The nitty gritty details of it all just aren't interesting to most men, no matter how much they love you or are looking forward to having a baby with you.

Could it be possible that you are subconsciously getting stressed about the birth and what comes after that you are projecting your anxieties onto him and finding fault?



Gilly I would put the food on the table and sit down and wait for my cutlery to be delivered. When he sits down and realises there is nothing to eat with he will sharp get up again and go and fetch it. As for picking his dirty laundry up - absolutely no way in hell! It would lie on the floor until he put it in the laundry bin, and only then would it get washed

I already knew I was lucky with my OH, but after reading some of the posts on here I've just realised how lucky I am!

Being honest the things you describe mines does, helping me off the sofa and out of bed puts my oil on my stomach twice a day, shaves my legs for me because I can't reach not got him painting toe nails yet.

I think sometimes I am a bit of a nag, I was quite annoyed this morning about the bin and I think that made me a bit of a moody cow. I'm calmer tonight and feel bad about what I've said

Oldernotwiser

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

He won't like it one bit, but you are going to have someone far more important than him come into your life soon .

Wow, no wonder there are so many broken marriages around!

Blue_Monkey

He is generally a "good one" - he's not typically blokey and can be very sweet and I don't doubt for one second that he loves me. He helps me put on my shoes and does do little things, but I've asked repeatedly with help with the bigger things and just for him to take the initiative with some things. He just doesn't seem to think outside the box at all.

Saturday morning for example... I'd slept v v badly on Friday night, and had been awake from 2.15 to 7.15 when he got up. He said he'd leave me to lie in and try and go back to sleep. I woke up about 10.30 absolutely sweltering. Now he knows I've been getting really hot, yet was sitting downstairs in his pants with the heating on full blast. So I woke up and asked if the heating could be turned down (feeling grumpy, but didn't express it) and he said "Yeah, sure I was just trying to dry the washing". Then he shoved some clothes on quickly and nipped out. The clothes already on the radiators were bone dry from the night before, yet the ones that really needed drying were on the airer thing, and still wet, so he hadn't really had the washing in mind at all. We'd been lazy on Friday night and didn't do the washing up and the kitchen was a mess. He'd added to the mess and now nipped out. He knew I needed to be somewhere for midday and had been up for 3 hours before me, and knew I was tired from not sleeping well. He's generally very tidy and clean, so I was baffled that he'd left it all to me - just felt a little unfair.

So these are small petty things, I know. But all added up and mixed in with an overtired, overemotional ready-to-pop preggo is not a great mix - doesn't take a genius to work that out surely? I grumbled a bit when he got home but didn't fly off the handle, and he'd apologised for being thoughtless. Then Saturday night happens, then grumps in the week and I'm sat here thinking "what is in this for me?". Just feels like at a time when I could do with things being made easier, he makes them harder. And before people say he needs things made easier for him too - I get that and do try - I'm not sure he could really say he tries or ever thinks about things from my perspective.

Ugh. Anyway, he'll be home soon and hopefully we'll get to sit and chat then. But none of it's anything new, so I feel worn down saying the same thing over and over, listening to him say he's sorry for being rubbish and that he'll help more, and then seeing no marked change.

jaqui59

OP .... Will you have any support when baby is born like your Mum or MIL or Sister, or SIL or girl friends ... If you have, I think it will help you tremendously, and maybe stop you from focusing on what hubby might "not be doing" to help.

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

Plus this is after a couple of incidents over the past couple of months where he'd been out all night and I'd woken the next morning at 7am-ish not knowing where he was /QUOTE]

Sorry, this bit really stood out to me, did you find out where he had been?

Blue_Monkey

Yes, we've both got lots of friends and family around, and I think he'll be fine when the baby comes - he's so excited and prepared/desperate to be hands-on... But I do think it will be a wake-up call for him in terms of having to mature a bit and take on more responsibility and shift priorities.

He was out with friends, which is where I'd guessed he would be. It was more the point that he just didn't think to let me know.

I'm usually pretty independent and not very needy, so I think this is a big change for him. I just don't want to see him go down his dad's route - FIL does pretty much what he wants regardless of how it makes anyone else feel, and OH gets really cross with it, so I know he would hate to be doing the same... I'm ok for him to be in a bubble, I'd just like to be in there too with him.