Is he useless or am I unreasonable?

Blue_Monkey

OH and I have somehow lost the balance. I feel like I'm constantly giving and that all he does is take. At 38 weeks pregnant I want to feel looked after and loved and like a priority. I don't, yet he still gets sulky, moody, ar5ey and says he feels neglected.

We've had a hard year and we're both tired, but I am confident when I say that I've tried my hardest to make sure he is ok and he's told me he knows he's been crap and hasn't done the same for me.

With under 2 weeks to go before our first baby is due, I'm feeling put out that he doesn't seem to do anything with me in mind, and actually I think I should be the No.1 priority right now and if I can't be now, when will I be?

If I mention this he says I'm making him feel useless. I don't think he is useless, but I am starting to doubt his sincerity because we've had this conversation over and over and over again and nothing has changed. I don't doubt he loves me in his head, I just don't feel I ever "receive" this love.

I feel like I need more from him and I'm not getting it. So I guess we're both feeling neglected but at this stage in my pregnancy, when he's been take-take-take for so long, I'm starting to resent him feeling neglected. He's a kind, sweet, gentle, laid-back man, but my repeated requests for 'more' (be it affection, help, consideration) are falling on deaf ears.

So I'm left feeling unreasonable and he's sat there feeling useless.

I suspect this is a typical "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" but with less than 2 weeks until my due date, I'm almost at the end of my tether.

victory

does he feel got at? Nagged at? That you are over reacting because of your hormones? Does he feel he is giving all he can but you 'keep going on' so he is backing off, unable to do more, to give more, to be more because you keep 'attacking him'

that is the way men see it, women see it that they are unloved, uncherished, not put first, not protected, all what you say.

SO the compromise? Praise him for what he does do, stop going on, let him see he can help, he can be there for you, the more you go on the more he will pull away.

Tell him you need this this and this, don't overload him with requests and sit back and wait for him to deliver, if he feels they are achievable he will be happy to oblige, if the list is endless he will just resent it and you and not bother.

I make it soulnd like you a training an animal,it is not like that, I just know the more you go on the more he feels you are being irrational and the less he will give

jackieblack

I remember being a bit over-sensitive while I was preganant, and nothing DH could do seemed right - I suspect pregnancy hormones were to blame.

Just wait a couple of weeks, once your baby arrives neither of you will be number 1 priority any more.

POPPYOSCAR

I think you may be in a fragile emotional state with only 2 weeks to go before your baby arrives - I know I was when I had my first! I felt just like this - in fact we had a massive row which left me in tears on the day our baby was due!!!

You have told him how you feel, you are both tired, what more can you do right now? Becoming a father although as fantastic and exciting as it is also comes with responsibilities and he might be feeling overwelmed by it all.

Don't let this spoil this very special time for you. Take some time out for yourself and if he can not give you what you need right now do not take it to heart.

I am sure once baby arrives, this will all be forgotten.

Mrs.W_2

victory wrote: »

...
Tell him you need this, this and this, don't overload him with requests and sit back and wait for him to deliver, if he feels they are achievable he will be happy to oblige, if the list is endless he will just resent it and you and not bother.

I make it sound like you'll be training an animal, it is not like that, I just know the more you go on the more he feels you are being irrational and the less he will give

Totally agree with Victory on this one.

In a couple of weeks you'll be needing his help and support even more than you do now. Best to establish ways to talk with each other and understand each other as soon as.

You might try talking about his involvement with the baby after s/he is born, focusing on the positive - yet still highly practical - aspects for him.:) He may well be feeling quite daunted by the prospect of becoming a parent.

Wind down and look forward to your wonderful family.

Blue_Monkey

Thanks Victory.

I just don't think he thinks he has to "do" anything. That love is something he feels and that's enough.

I actually feel like I've already got a child - him. He came in grumpy the other night and it turns out he's feeling neglected in a sexual way, but it was like getting blood from a stone getting him to admit this. So he spends the evening being ar5ey and then wonders why I don't want to play ball (excuse the pun) when we get to bed. And in the back of my mind I'm sitting there thinking "We didn't write our birth plan tonight, you haven't even asked if I've got everything in my hospital bag, the birth pool needs blowing up, you still haven't given me that massage you promised me months ago yet you feel it's ok to come home and sulk". This just days after I spent Saturday night in tears because yet again he came home much later than he said he would, woke me up when he knew I'd slept badly the night before so I was super-tired and over-emotional.

I just feel like I'm pi55ing in the wind - what I really want is for him to say "shall we sit down and make sure everything is ready and you can talk to me about what's worrying you or what else we've got left to do before our lives change forever", and he's sulking because he's not had a w4nk for a few days...........

Blue_Monkey

Thanks Jackie, Poppy and Mrs W. I know that I'm a completely Unstable Mabel at the moment and this year has been tough on us both. But where I'm constantly putting him first, I have asked/cried/begged/pleaded for more and even he cannot come up with one single thing he's done just for me.

I know that neither of us will come first soon enough, and that's kind of what I'm worried about. I won't be able to prioritise him at all when the baby arrives. And it feels like at the moment that is the dynamic of our relationship - me looking after him whilst he does eff all back. So when I'm no longer able to do that, what is left of our relationship?

victory

Right harsh words coming, he sees it one way and you the other, you want practical help, the maternal gene is kicking in, you are also worried about the birth, petrified if something goes wrong, you have gone over all the scenarios in your head.

Your OH sees you and gets jealous, jealous he is not the most important one now, he hears you talk but he thinks it is repetative, all you talk to him about is the baby which makes him feel useless because he cannot experience what you are going through, sure he can listen but he feels he has done the listening, he has heard you and wants to move on to something else, you don't.

As for the lack of sex and sulking over it, he wants to feel important, superior to the inpending birth, he wants to feel like a man, that he has a reason to be here, that he can demand and you say 'how high?' He is also petrified, worried, concerned it will all go just fine and is clueless as to what to do practically so he submerges himself into himself and builds a cocoon around him pretending he is not hurt, self defence really because he is not sure what is the best reaction, what is best to do and say.

VfM4meplse

From what you have presented, your OH likes to be the centre of attention, and as you say is very childish!

He's in for one hell of a shock when your baby arrives and he is no longer the centre of attention. What's it going to take for him to face up to his emotional responsibilities? It sounds like he needs to man up and grow a pair.

jackieblack

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

what I really want is for him to say "shall we sit down and make sure everything is ready and you can talk to me about what's worrying you or what else we've got left to do before our lives change forever"

:rotfl:
To be honest, I don't believe any man in the course of all human history has ever done this.

If you need to write a birth plan, do it. It is you that will be giving birth, after all. It is you that will need the hospital bag, you make sure you've got everything you need.

I'm sorry that you're feeling really miserable and fed up and I remember feeling exactly the same but, truthfully, all I'm hearing in your posts is 'me', 'me', 'me'.

CH27

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

Thanks Victory.

I just don't think he thinks he has to "do" anything. That love is something he feels and that's enough.

I actually feel like I've already got a child - him. He came in grumpy the other night and it turns out he's feeling neglected in a sexual way, but it was like getting blood from a stone getting him to admit this. So he spends the evening being ar5ey and then wonders why I don't want to play ball (excuse the pun) when we get to bed. And in the back of my mind I'm sitting there thinking "We didn't write our birth plan tonight, you haven't even asked if I've got everything in my hospital bag, the birth pool needs blowing up, you still haven't given me that massage you promised me months ago yet you feel it's ok to come home and sulk". This just days after I spent Saturday night in tears because yet again he came home much later than he said he would, woke me up when he knew I'd slept badly the night before so I was super-tired and over-emotional.

I just feel like I'm pi55ing in the wind - what I really want is for him to say "shall we sit down and make sure everything is ready and you can talk to me about what's worrying you or what else we've got left to do before our lives change forever", and he's sulking because he's not had a w4nk for a few days...........

You cannot expect him to change his habits of a lifetime to pander to you if he never has before.

IMO the true reality of having a baby only really hits the men when he/she has arrived. Planning & details occupy you because it concerns your body.

As Victory says you need to train them slowly not nag them. Also pregnancy hormones will not be helping.

Organise yourself & enjoy it.

I really do think you have unrealistic expectations of your OH.