Is he useless or am I unreasonable?

euronorris

I agree Sambucus. He's going to have to get used to 'self service' for a while after the birth too.

Maybe that's why he's so keen to get attention now, but I do think he's going completely the wrong way about it. My OH has been guilty of sulking and being moody all night (over something that has nothing to do with me), and then expecting me to be up for it later in the bedroom. You have to just explain, calmly and firmly, that you cannot be sympathetic and understanding if you don't know what the problem is, and you certainly can't be all up for it, when you've been putting up with his mood all evening. That works both ways.

victory

Nicki wrote: »

The birth pool takes a long time to inflate, so if he works Monday to Friday, I wouldn't really expect him to do it on a Wednesday night after work to be honest. Asking him today to do it at the weekend would surely be far more sensible?

That is it exactly there are ways of asking and this is perfect, see your OH will hear it, understand that it is a perfectly reasonable request and think to himself 'oh yes I can do that no prob, at the weekend I can do that' feel better about himself and about it all and not feel talked at, got at and nagged at and will be more than willing to do it at the weekend, perfect:D

Gillyx

Blue Monkey, I am on your side, I understand completely where you're coming from. My OH is lovely, but at times I want to strangle him because of his lack of thought and effort.

In his opinion his effort is going out to earn the money and going to uni, and that's him at "breaking point" as he nicely puts it. He has no idea what's going to hit in less than 10 weeks.

I do EVERYTHING for him, and I mean everything, breakfast, lunch and dinner get put down to him on the table, he wanted pancakes last night so I made them, his clothes are picked up from the floor, put in basket, washed, dried, ironed, hung up, then a lot of the time taken out and laid out for the morning for him, I put away everything he leaves lying, house is cleaned, tidied, and everything else that goes with it. I organise any birthdays, occasions HIS family have, manage to get the presents/cards, I know his shifts for work because he can never remember them, and manage to pencil in time to visit his parents because his mum moans at me when she doesn't see us!

This morning I asked him about 9 o clock if he could go and bring our bin in, I can't open the back gate lock very well, it's really stiff and more often than not I skin my fingers, plus it's icy out there (bear in mind if we don't collect our bin by about 10 o clock, someone else in the street will have taken it as there seems to be a shortage) and he can't be bothered to even get out his bed to go and do it, so I had to drag my lardy pregnant bum out, slipping all over the place to go get it. He's also supposed to be in uni this morning, but won't get out of bed to go because he doesn't "feel well" it's his !!!!!!! war cry!!!

As for the sex, you're 38 and a half weeks pregnant, I'm further behind than you and I feel like I need a forklift to turn me over in bed at night, never mind anything else :eek:

January20

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

Ok ok - I'm going to be the one to say it. But why can't he 'sort himself out' rather than expect you to service him?

I appreciate you are both at a tense time; but honestly, have a good soak, an early night and look after yourself a bit and let him do his own thing [in a manner of speaking] - he knows how to do it surely?

You beat me to it! Actually, he probably won't sort himself out because he is feeling pushed out and jealous so it's his way of trying to get back his number 1 position (in his head at least).

The question is: has he always been needy or is it new? If it's just since the pregnancy, chances are things will settle. If he has always been needy, then I think you need to become a little tougher on him and not run around after him, pandering to his every whim. Ignore the sulks, it's only attention seeking. Do the minimum you can do and look after yourself, as you don't want to find yourself going into labour completely exhausted.

ETA: as a general comment, I think this modern fashion of involving men in everything around a pregnancy can be detrimental to some women if their partner is not willing/ able to play ball. The politically correct phrase nowadays may be to say "we are pregnant" but the reality is that only women experience pregnancy and the changes associated to it. I wonder if we delude ourselves, and are being unfair on men, expecting them to be so involved. I bet our grandmothers didn't have such emotional turmoil regarding their husbands' input. Just a thought.

Nicki

I just wanted to come back to add, in case my first post came across as a bit unsympathetic, that most of us get hormonal and unreasonable in the few weeks before the birth, and what you are feeling is completely normal, and you will go back to your usual hopefully sunny self afterwards!

My husband will still tell you that I made him phone in and take a day off work with no warning when I was 38+2 with my second child to construct a dresser we had bought for our kitchen. My waters broke that night and by mid afternoon the following day we were holding DD and had somewhere to keep our plates in the kitchen too. Result!

Good luck with the birth OP. If you are feeling like this, you may be closer than you think to meeting your baby. Don't go into labour though feeling cross with your hubby, or with him feeling cross with you.

BugglyB

Gillyx wrote: »

I do EVERYTHING for him, and I mean everything, breakfast, lunch and dinner get put down to him on the table, he wanted pancakes last night so I made them, his clothes are picked up from the floor, put in basket, washed, dried, ironed, hung up, then a lot of the time taken out and laid out for the morning for him, I put away everything he leaves lying, house is cleaned, tidied, and everything else that goes with it. I organise any birthdays, occasions HIS family have, manage to get the presents/cards, I know his shifts for work because he can never remember them, and manage to pencil in time to visit his parents because his mum moans at me when she doesn't see us!

I do have to wonder why do you do all this? I wouldn't do all this for anyone apart from maybe a child. I love OH dearly but if he wants pancakes he makes them himself and a few for me too. Particularly if he never lifted a finger to do anything else. You buy his families birthday presents? You remember his shifts at work for him?

Really I think you have made a rod for your own back. Its his fault he behaves like that but you enable him.

CH27

Gillyx wrote: »

Blue Monkey, I am on your side, I understand completely where you're coming from. My OH is lovely, but at times I want to strangle him because of his lack of thought and effort.

In his opinion his effort is going out to earn the money and going to uni, and that's him at "breaking point" as he nicely puts it. He has no idea what's going to hit in less than 10 weeks.

I do EVERYTHING for him, and I mean everything, breakfast, lunch and dinner get put down to him on the table, he wanted pancakes last night so I made them, his clothes are picked up from the floor, put in basket, washed, dried, ironed, hung up, then a lot of the time taken out and laid out for the morning for him, I put away everything he leaves lying, house is cleaned, tidied, and everything else that goes with it. I organise any birthdays, occasions HIS family have, manage to get the presents/cards, I know his shifts for work because he can never remember them, and manage to pencil in time to visit his parents because his mum moans at me when she doesn't see us!

This morning I asked him about 9 o clock if he could go and bring our bin in, I can't open the back gate lock very well, it's really stiff and more often than not I skin my fingers, plus it's icy out there (bear in mind if we don't collect our bin by about 10 o clock, someone else in the street will have taken it as there seems to be a shortage) and he can't be bothered to even get out his bed to go and do it, so I had to drag my lardy pregnant bum out, slipping all over the place to go get it. He's also supposed to be in uni this morning, but won't get out of bed to go because he doesn't "feel well" it's his !!!!!!! war cry!!!

As for the sex, you're 38 and a half weeks pregnant, I'm further behind than you and I feel like I need a forklift to turn me over in bed at night, never mind anything else :eek:

Well more fool you!
Behave like a skivvy & he'll treat you like one.

mummyroysof3

i just dont think men understand how much pregnancy changes us..maybe they assume we are just going to carry on as normal. try and ignore his moaning and bite your tongue sometimes rather than what he sees as nagging. I have 3 children and hubby was a typical man but was there when i needed him..and with the 3rd it was him that nagged me to pack my hospital bag a week before i was due and i threw a strop cos i was convinced i would go 2 weeks over..im glad he did though as DS2 was born the next day lol

just spend the next few weeks relaxing and enjoying the peace x

Mupette

Men are funny creaters.

But if my man wanted to come at me that late in the pregnancy i would of chopped them off.

saying that if baby is late, he gets his go...

I think this is his worries about the baby manifesting itself, neither of you will be number one, and the sooner that is understood the better,

But some men don't like that and will get funny about comming second or third to a baby, is his mother still around, can she talk sense into him,

No one should feel they are number one, a relashionship is 2 people sharing and caring, not bowing down to the others needs (although right now your about to drop and so a priority should be you for a little while).

I think your hormones are part of the issue here and thats tough nothing you can do about that, he has to learn to accept that.

At 38 weeks i was getting up in the middle of the night, scrubbing the bathroom because i felt it wasnt clean enough for the baby (he would of cleaned it for me a few hours earlier)

nesting makes us crazy, lol i spent weeks acting like Mrs Mop and then once ds arrived i spent 2 weeks led out on the sofa in a daze, i kid you not, i got up to use the bathroom, shower, midwife visit, saw to ds every need, that was all i was capable of doing. other half did everything else, but he was happy to do so and allowed me my 2 weeks rest time, this was our one and only child and didn't know any different, i was amazed when a few years later when one of my friends dropped, had baby in the morning, and was cooking and cleaning in the afternoon :eek::eek::eek:.

Anyhoo it is an emotional rollercoaster being a parent for the first time, you feel you don't know what you are doing, and what you are doing is it right. i think you both need to calm it down a bit, if things don't get done, don't worry, that's what your friends are for when baby arrives, everyone will ask you is there anything you want doing, you say YES and run off a list of things people can do for you.

Gillyx

BugglyB wrote: »

I do have to wonder why do you do all this? I wouldn't do all this for anyone apart from maybe a child. I love OH dearly but if he wants pancakes he makes them himself and a few for me too. Particularly if he never lifted a finger to do anything else. You buy his families birthday presents? You remember his shifts at work for him?

Really I think you have made a rod for your own back. Its his fault he behaves like that but you enable him.

Well we've only lived together for 6 months, but before that he was all over the place and that is worse in my opinion, watching him flap about stresses me out, so much so I'm almost hyper ventilating, I actually find it easier just to get on with it and do it, means it's done and the house isn't falling down around me. He can't really cook anyway, so wouldn't know how to make pancakes which is fair enough, my dad wouldn't know how to do that either and he's managed for 53 years. If he does decide to cook something, the kitchen looks like a wreckage from WW3 afterwards, and it'l be left there for days on end, before he decides to tidy it up, so it's easier for me to do it because I'll sort it out there and then.

Plus he works, I don't so I feel like I should contribute more and if I didn't do a lot of it, I'd feel like I was leeching, and I really don't mind doing it, it wasn't a moan as such about doing all that, it was more if I ask him to do something simple like bringing in the bin, it's "wait I'll do it, give me 10 minutes" when why not just do it now?!? You're not doing anything at the moment, so why the need to wait, then you'l forget and we won't have a bin for the next week.

An example of him being forgetful and not thinking, was Sunday I asked if he could check the gas meter before going to work as I had a feeling the gas was low, he didn't do it, gas ran out half an hour after he went to work, and I spent the whole of Sunday, unable to get a shower and freezing because I had no heating. I was making lunch for both of us at the time so was unable to check the meter as I was busy.