Is he useless or am I unreasonable?

VfM4meplse

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

I know that neither of us will come first soon enough, and that's kind of what I'm worried about. I won't be able to prioritise him at all when the baby arrives.

Once a child comes along, then everything else is secondary. Does you OH understand this? If your baby was planned he should have gone into this with his eyes wide open.

It might be worth gettiing closer to his mother to work out what has made him such a brat.

POPPYOSCAR

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

Thanks Jackie, Poppy and Mrs W. I know that I'm a completely Unstable Mabel at the moment and this year has been tough on us both. But where I'm constantly putting him first, I have asked/cried/begged/pleaded for more and even he cannot come up with one single thing he's done just for me.

I know that neither of us will come first soon enough, and that's kind of what I'm worried about. I won't be able to prioritise him at all when the baby arrives. And it feels like at the moment that is the dynamic of our relationship - me looking after him whilst he does eff all back. So when I'm no longer able to do that, what is left of our relationship?

You can't be worrying about that right now.

Take each day as it comes and focus on enjoying your baby.Having your first child in my experience changes how you view the world anyway.

victory

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

Thanks Jackie, Poppy and Mrs W. I know that I'm a completely Unstable Mabel at the moment and this year has been tough on us both. But where I'm constantly putting him first, I have asked/cried/begged/pleaded for more and even he cannot come up with one single thing he's done just for me.

I know that neither of us will come first soon enough, and that's kind of what I'm worried about. I won't be able to prioritise him at all when the baby arrives. And it feels like at the moment that is the dynamic of our relationship - me looking after him whilst he does eff all back. So when I'm no longer able to do that, what is left of our relationship?

No, no,no, this is looking for something that maybe not be there, it is in someway hysteria because you feel you are embarking on this having a baby when you should feel loved and protected and as one but you are not as one because the more you ask/plead/beg the more you are placing distance between each other, no man can take that and not devise himself a little corner where he is furiously sitting sulking and bemoaning the over reaction.

Deep breath and in a normal happy,easy going conversation there would be things he could come up with that he has done for you, wanted to do for you but felt you did not want him to, or it just went over your head and yo did not notice and he thought 'well, if that is the reaction I am going to get then I will not bother, I am wasting my time, I tried to do this or that and look where it got me? Men are like that, sometimes all they can hear is their mothers.

euronorris

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

Thanks Jackie, Poppy and Mrs W. I know that I'm a completely Unstable Mabel at the moment and this year has been tough on us both. But where I'm constantly putting him first, I have asked/cried/begged/pleaded for more and even he cannot come up with one single thing he's done just for me.

If you've been doing so much for him, yet are feeling overwhelmed, under appreciated and exhausted, then stop putting him first for a while.

Put yourself first, and concentrate on yourself a little. If he complains, you can repeat his words back to him about how just loving him should be enough etc. Or simply explain that you were, but it wasn't being reciprocated despite your requests, and so you decided to put yourself first for a bit in the run up to the birth.

Peater

You seem to think that men should be pre-programmed with some form of 'intuition'. The guy is obviously petrified about this massive upheaval and change in his life and probably feels totally neglected. Cut him some slack while he comes to terms with it (i'm sure it will all click once the sprog is born) and don't expect him know exactly what to do.

victory

I was also going to say that it is not like in the movies, where the dad is so excited he plays mozart to the bump to enhance the child's intelligence, the pregnant lady sits whilst having a foot massage, pampered to their every need, it is not like, there is going ot be tears, tantrums, misunderstandings, emotions running high, tiredness, it is not like the posh and becks life, it is much harder

idristhedragon

Birth plans are useless anyway, birthing pool doesn't need blowing up yet- first babies are usually late and a birth pool is a big ole thing to be stepping over all Christmas!
I get the impression that you are completely (understandably) wrapped up completely in the pregnancy, and he just can't understand the physical and emotional feelings. They just can't. They don't have all the secretions, stretch marks, kicks, leaky tits, piles etc to deal with.
Maybe he just wants to come home from work, talk about his day, what's on telly, gossip like normal without being immediately leapt on to write a birth plan (that will be ignored in the actual event anyway) pack a bag ( most men dont know a babygro from a bedpan) and be talked at about a birth that very probably won't happen for another four weeks
I totally understand how you are feeling, but he is probably terrified

BugglyB

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

He came in grumpy the other night and it turns out he's feeling neglected in a sexual way, but it was like getting blood from a stone getting him to admit this.

My partner gets very cross when I do this.

Go on and on and on at him to tell me whats wrong, and then when he does, I go off on one at him about how thats really unfair and how dare he etc. If he is sulking, just leave him. Literally, go out or go to bed or something. In a calm and upbeat voice 'I feel like you're sulking and ignoring me, I'm off upstairs for a bath'.

What would happen if you said to him, can we sit down and write my birth plan, can we check my hospital bag, I'm feeling pretty vulnerable could you give me a cuddle?

You say he's a kind sweet laid back gentle man, so chances are he will be a great father - give him a chance. Dont push him away before you've even started.

Good luck hon x

Sambucus_Nigra

Ok ok - I'm going to be the one to say it. But why can't he 'sort himself out' rather than expect you to service him?

I appreciate you are both at a tense time; but honestly, have a good soak, an early night and look after yourself a bit and let him do his own thing [in a manner of speaking] - he knows how to do it surely?

Nicki

I'm another one I'm afraid who thinks this may be your hormones speaking.

Looking at the night you complain about, as this is the only example you give, I am perplexed about what your husband didn't do which upset you. The birth plan is for the woman to devise, because it is her who will be giving birth. Once you have done it, then yes you probably want to discuss it with your husband if he is your birth partner so he knows what you want, but it is so personal you can't do it together. If you are as irritable and snappy as you come across on here, then he was probably terrified to try to do it with you, on the basis that every suggestion he might make, would be snapped down with a reference to him being selfish or unloving. Similarly, the hospital bag. How in God's green earth would he know what you want to put in your hospital bag? Does he usually pack for you, when you go away for an overnight trip? Having had 3 children myself, the only input my OH had in packing the hospital bag, was carrying the darned thing from bedroom to car when the birth was imminent The birth pool takes a long time to inflate, so if he works Monday to Friday, I wouldn't really expect him to do it on a Wednesday night after work to be honest. Asking him today to do it at the weekend would surely be far more sensible?

As for the massage v sex thing. Its not uncommon for physical intimacy to have gone by the wayside late in pregnancy, and you are both not wanting to please the other at the moment. That will change after the baby is born. Maybe well after the baby is born, depending on how the birth goes!! But if you both feel that you want something intimate, then you need to express that to each other. A nice night with no bickering, ending in him giving you the massage, and you reciprocating with some attention towards him would be a good way to end the pregnancy.