Is he useless or am I unreasonable?

Gillyx

Men are a nightmare ladies I'll tell you, but I'm glad you both understand where I'm coming from, I don't think he takes me for granted or that he doesn't appreciate me, because I know he does.

On a funny note though, I noticed his Dad is soooo similar, so I have to stop myself every now and then because I feel like I'm morphing into his mum. Sometimes when I hear myself saying things I have to stop

euronorris

Haha, OH used to complain about being nagged, so I stopped. But then nothing got done, and he would then complain 'You didn't remind me!'!!! Of course I didn't, cos every time I do you consider it nagging. You can't have it both ways dear. But we seem to have found a happy medium that works for us now.

Oh, and I find that the key is all with the timing of when you ask!

Gillyx

I've stopped nagging too, there's no point and I know if people nag me it annoys the life out of me.

I just think we expect men to be similar to us, i.e forethought but I generally don't know any man who has the capacity to do that. Just aswell they have us really isn't it

pelirocco

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

Thanks Jackie, Poppy and Mrs W. I know that I'm a completely Unstable Mabel at the moment and this year has been tough on us both. But where I'm constantly putting him first, I have asked/cried/begged/pleaded for more and even he cannot come up with one single thing he's done just for me.

I know that neither of us will come first soon enough, and that's kind of what I'm worried about. I won't be able to prioritise him at all when the baby arrives. And it feels like at the moment that is the dynamic of our relationship - me looking after him whilst he does eff all back. So when I'm no longer able to do that, what is left of our relationship?

You BOTH just have to get on with it , if you think the last 2 weeks are hard , you wait until the next 18 years

I remember my 20s as not being the best of times , because i had 4 small children and a husband who worked all the time , and had very little time left for us .....this didnt been he didnt love us , in fact he was showing how much he cared by trying to earn as much as he could .....

I sometimes think peoples expectation of life and other people can be unrealistic and expect too much from relationships , hence why so many go from one partner to another ......after all its the same 5hit just a different location


Marriage is damn hard work , for both sides

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

You can't afford to worry yourself about whether his little nose is put out of joint by not being Mummy's Number One Baby Boy anymore. He's a fully grown man, not a three year old.

If he can't get it into his head that you would like some help now, not in a thousand years time, all I can suggest is you look at it how would you handle it if you were on your own - you would do what you can and somethings would have to give. Like ironing. Like fannying around trying to keep someone else happy when they are creating their own misery. You haven't offered him your 'hand' to help him out, so now he feels ill, probably hoping that Mummy will bathe his forehead, bring him soup and generally fuss him all better. Convenient, that.

Perhaps you need a few medicines in the cupboard - decongestant, paracetamol, ibuprofen, settlers, for example - and anytime he feels a little sniffly, 'Oh, dear, well the medicines in the cupboard' and leave it up to him. Then just don't hear him if he wants something brought to his deathbed.

Same way, if you must do his ironing (why?), leave it in a neat pile for him to deal with. But put yours and baby's away. If he chucks it across the floor like a teenager, he's going to have very tatty looking clothes soon enough.



He's got to grow up. He won't like it one bit, but you are going to have someone far more important than him come into your life soon and it's all very well saying he likes the baby coming, but if he is used to your neverending attention and fuss, he is going to have headaches, loss of sleep, severe sexual frustration, everything imaginable to try and get your attention.

Just as soon as he treats you like a Mummy, don't treat him like a little boy. Remind yourself (and him, if necessary) that he is fully grown man that you love more for being a man than a baby.

He'll either respond positively or not.

Blue_Monkey

Wow - just popped out and came back to all these replies. Thanks all, plus I really appreciate the mixed responses, it deffo helps me get some perspective back through this hormonal mist/fog! Now to try and respond:

Ok so my fluffy version of "hey babe, let's sit down and talk through your feelings" was perhaps overegging the bird a bit. But he has generally been very interested in the pregnancy, has willingly come to antenatal classes and has been keen for us to do the birth plan together. Yet when it comes down to it, he puts it off, so I wait and then get frustrated because it could've been done by now and I would've gladly just done it myself if he hadn't have said he wanted to help. I don't expect him to pack my bag, just for him to be "looking out" for me and helping me make sure that we're both ready when the time comes.

Thing is, when we decided to move back from Australia, I said to him "Please don't let me do it all, please help me, please take some of the strain" and he didn't really. I organised everything, from the removal company to booking the flights, to finding somewhere to live when we got home. He found it really hard when we got back and I feel like I did nothing but support him - I was worried he was miserable and tried my damned hardest to help get him settled back in. Yet at the same time I was dealing with a sh!tty boss at work, readjusting myself and being pregnant, and not once did he ever check that I was ok, that I was happy to be home, whether I needed anything. In fact he just looked bored if I used to talk about work... He says he feels that since we've been home he's been crap with me and admits he's not really thought about my well-being.

The move was a big strain, and rather than spreading the nesting out over 8 or 9 months, we really had to cram it in when we finally got in our own place mid-October. And I've said that I'm getting anxious and would really like some time to relax so it's important to me to get as much ready as possible so that we can chill together once it's all done.

The birth pool took 20 mins to sort, I ended up doing it because he'd put up so many barriers (tap connector didn't look right, airpump needed charging) it was stressing me out and I know he's dreadful for putting things off and just wanted it done. But the point is he made it hard and stressful (telling me that I should've ordered a different pump and would need to go and find a different connector) when it really didn't need to be. He couldn't just say "Ok, let's give it a go". I might be relatively demanding in terms of wanting to get things sorted asap and for the most part, I'm happy to do it myself, but he either then gets moody that I've "taken over" or takes the pessimistic approach and seems to "create" problems and drama that doesn't really need to exist, or just puts it off so it never gets done.

His actions just don't correspond with his words. I have learnt not to pressure him or pounce on him to do things asap, and I always try to catch him when I think he'll be most receptive, but I still feel like we get nowhere.

As for him "sorting himself out" - I've had this conversation with him too. Yet it's not his preferred method, so I try to explain that there's no romance in it being expected/functional and that he needs to take some responsibility for his own "release". I've also mentioned that it's a big passion-killer spending the evening with someone in a sulk.

So yeah - my post is "me me me" because for the past 6 months I've been supporting him emotionally and in these last couple of weeks I want some support back. I have cut him some slack, lots of times and I don't expect him to miraculously know what to do, but it really does feel like all take and no give. He's not the only one scared and apprehensive....

It doesn't feel 'even', you know. And he confesses to feeling rubbish because he's left me to do everything, yet nothing changes. So that's when he ends up feeling useless - he goes on about how he's going to priortise me and make me feel special, then nothing happens and I've got my hopes up for nothing so then it feels like a slap in the face when he's sulking because I'm not meeting his needs.

I dunno, I just want to be looked after for a change rather than being the one to do the looking after. Is that too much to ask in late pregnancy?

CH27

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

Wow - just popped out and came back to all these replies. Thanks all, plus I really appreciate the mixed responses, it deffo helps me get some perspective back through this hormonal mist/fog! Now to try and respond:

Ok so my fluffy version of "hey babe, let's sit down and talk through your feelings" was perhaps overegging the bird a bit. But he has generally been very interested in the pregnancy, has willingly come to antenatal classes and has been keen for us to do the birth plan together. Yet when it comes down to it, he puts it off, so I wait and then get frustrated because it could've been done by now and I would've gladly just done it myself if he hadn't have said he wanted to help. I don't expect him to pack my bag, just for him to be "looking out" for me and helping me make sure that we're both ready when the time comes.

Thing is, when we decided to move back from Australia, I said to him "Please don't let me do it all, please help me, please take some of the strain" and he didn't really. I organised everything, from the removal company to booking the flights, to finding somewhere to live when we got home. He found it really hard when we got back and I feel like I did nothing but support him - I was worried he was miserable and tried my damned hardest to help get him settled back in. Yet at the same time I was dealing with a sh!tty boss at work, readjusting myself and being pregnant, and not once did he ever check that I was ok, that I was happy to be home, whether I needed anything. In fact he just looked bored if I used to talk about work... He says he feels that since we've been home he's been crap with me and admits he's not really thought about my well-being.

The move was a big strain, and rather than spreading the nesting out over 8 or 9 months, we really had to cram it in when we finally got in our own place mid-October. And I've said that I'm getting anxious and would really like some time to relax so it's important to me to get as much ready as possible so that we can chill together once it's all done.

The birth pool took 20 mins to sort, I ended up doing it because he'd put up so many barriers (tap connector didn't look right, airpump needed charging) it was stressing me out and I know he's dreadful for putting things off and just wanted it done. But the point is he made it hard and stressful (telling me that I should've ordered a different pump and would need to go and find a different connector) when it really didn't need to be. He couldn't just say "Ok, let's give it a go". I might be relatively demanding in terms of wanting to get things sorted asap and for the most part, I'm happy to do it myself, but he either then gets moody that I've "taken over" or takes the pessimistic approach and seems to "create" problems and drama that doesn't really need to exist, or just puts it off so it never gets done.

His actions just don't correspond with his words. I have learnt not to pressure him or pounce on him to do things asap, and I always try to catch him when I think he'll be most receptive, but I still feel like we get nowhere.

As for him "sorting himself out" - I've had this conversation with him too. Yet it's not his preferred method, so I try to explain that there's no romance in it being expected/functional and that he needs to take some responsibility for his own "release". I've also mentioned that it's a big passion-killer spending the evening with someone in a sulk.

So yeah - my post is "me me me" because for the past 6 months I've been supporting him emotionally and in these last couple of weeks I want some support back. I have cut him some slack, lots of times and I don't expect him to miraculously know what to do, but it really does feel like all take and no give. He's not the only one scared and apprehensive....

It doesn't feel 'even', you know. And he confesses to feeling rubbish because he's left me to do everything, yet nothing changes. So that's when he ends up feeling useless - he goes on about how he's going to priortise me and make me feel special, then nothing happens and I've got my hopes up for nothing so then it feels like a slap in the face when he's sulking because I'm not meeting his needs.

I dunno, I just want to be looked after for a change rather than being the one to do the looking after. Is that too much to ask in late pregnancy?

To be harsh it sounds like you've spent your relationship wiping his ar*e for him. Why should he change now when you're still doing it?

Person_one

victory wrote: »

Right harsh words coming, he sees it one way and you the other, you want practical help, the maternal gene is kicking in, you are also worried about the birth, petrified if something goes wrong, you have gone over all the scenarios in your head.

Your OH sees you and gets jealous, jealous he is not the most important one now, he hears you talk but he thinks it is repetative, all you talk to him about is the baby which makes him feel useless because he cannot experience what you are going through, sure he can listen but he feels he has done the listening, he has heard you and wants to move on to something else, you don't.

As for the lack of sex and sulking over it, he wants to feel important, superior to the inpending birth, he wants to feel like a man, that he has a reason to be here, that he can demand and you say 'how high?' He is also petrified, worried, concerned it will all go just fine and is clueless as to what to do practically so he submerges himself into himself and builds a cocoon around him pretending he is not hurt, self defence really because he is not sure what is the best reaction, what is best to do and say.

Wow, you really know how to paint a picture of a completely unsympathetic, selfish, inconsiderate, self-centred git!

Plans_all_plans

I just don't think they understand about pregnancy really. I've been vomiting every morning and feeling totally rough with morning sickness, but has my husband even looked sideways at me while I'm throwing my guts up??? NO! I keep saying that a little pat on the back and a "you're nearly at 12 weeks now, it won't be long til this part's over" would be very helpful, but even when I spell it out, he doesn't do it! So, I've decided to put up and shut up!

I don't think it's a lot to ask to be more looked after in pregnancy, but I think that from my experience with men, it may be unrealistic! He's very good in other ways though (like letting me take to my bed all weekend when I'm feeling ill) so maybe it's easier for me to take the lack of verbal/emotional support. as he is supportive practically.

As long as when the baby comes, he gets involved etc then you'll be fine. I'd try to get rid of any resentment from your heart, it'll only make the last few weeks feel longer and tougher for you.

Best of luck.

Metranil_Vavin

Was he like this pre-pregnancy & pre-move to the UK?