Is he useless or am I unreasonable?

Metranil_Vavin

Gilly, your Oh sounds like he needs a swift kick up the ar5e!

Has he always been a lazy git???

Honestly hon, stop running around after him or as others have said, he'll just sit back and enjoy it. Why would he have to think/do anything for himself if you are there are doing everything for him?

I agree with people who have said that we perhaps expect too much from men these days in terms of 'sharing' the pregnancy experience, however a man should support his partner when pregnant and not expect things to be exactly the same as far as their needs are concerned.

I'm obviously lucky, my OH was nothing but supportive during my pregnancy and was there at the birth seeing things actually I don't think anyone should have to see!

Gillyx

CH27 wrote: »

Well more fool you!
Behave like a skivvy & he'll treat you like one.

I've tried to explain in the other post, I feel like I've portrayed him really badly, he does do a lot for me and his unborn child, all the DIY and stuff around the house is done by him, and he does look after me, i.e massages and stuff when my back hurts

I also don't work at the moment, whereas he does and is contributing 100% of the money, so I'm trying to do my bit, and I don't mind, because more often than not I'm doing those things for myself anyway, BUT it does bother me when I ask him to do something and he just can't be bothered.

Metranil_Vavin

I just read the post where you said that you prefer to actually do things as you can keep control of the house, which I can totally understand.

My OH has a habit of leaving a trail of destruction behind him too, and sometimes it is just easier to do things myself. I think the thing that is unacceptable though is him leaving you to do things that physically you shouldn't be doing when heavily pregnant..ie sorting out bins, slipping on ice etc

Aimless

My other half, lovely though he is, doesn't seem particularly interested in learning about any of this baby stuff. He's quite happy to play stuff to the baby and watch it moving, but ask for help with a decision...! I don't know if he doesn't want to read the baby books because he's squeamish, or because he'd find them hard to get through and time consuming? He'll gladly give me a cheque for something I've chosen, so it isn't that he doesn't want to provide, it's just the way he is.

Course, after him saying when we're away we could always put the (newborn) baby to sleep on a mattress surrounded by cushions, sometimes it is good to make my own choices (travel cot ordered!).

euronorris

Gillyx wrote: »

Plus he works, I don't so I feel like I should contribute more and if I didn't do a lot of it, I'd feel like I was leeching, and I really don't mind doing it, it wasn't a moan as such about doing all that, it was more if I ask him to do something simple like bringing in the bin, it's "wait I'll do it, give me 10 minutes" when why not just do it now?!? You're not doing anything at the moment, so why the need to wait, then you'l forget and we won't have a bin for the next week.

My approach to resolve that issue was to ask OH to do X please. He responds, 'Yeah sure, I'll do that after I've finished this.'. Me, 'OK, no problem.'.

Wait patiently. Nothing happens. Next day (or in a few hours, depending how urgent it is), 'Darling, could you please do X?'. Get same response.

Wait patiently, nothing happens, so then I do it myself. As he's had two requests already, when he sees me doing it, he knows he should've done it already, apologises and starts taking over.

Now, he's much improved and tends to do things without needing a sending request. But, you do have to be patient and let them do it in their own time (unless there is a deadline - like getting the bins out before bin men come), as most of the time there really is no issue with waiting other than my (and maybe others) wanting to control it more and have it done straight away. Having been on the receiving end of that from my mother growing up, I know how irritating it can be, to be expected to drop everything there and then (she would often ask me to do my ironing when I was eating my dinner, and then start doing it anyway because 'you obviously weren't going to.'!! Arghhh!).

Maybe that approach would work for you too?

Gillyx

Metranil_Vavin wrote: »

I just read the post where you said that you prefer to actually do things as you can keep control of the house, which I can totally understand.

My OH has a habit of leaving a trail of destruction behind him too, and sometimes it is just easier to do things myself. I think the thing that is unacceptable though is him leaving you to do things that physically you shouldn't be doing when heavily pregnant..ie sorting out bins, slipping on ice etc

I'm glad you understand where I'm coming from I don't grudge doing anything for him, I really don't mind at all, as I know he does do a lot out with this house and it's easier for me to keep on top of things if I do it.

I just get annoyed when I do ask him to do a stupid wee thing, and it's dragged out for hours/days on end rather than taking 10 minutes, doing it and then it's done. He's happy and I'm happy.

I know he will be a hands on Dad, I have no doubts about it at all, he's really excited about the baby coming, and we spend a lot of time discussing it. He's always wanted children and really wants to be a part of their lives, so I have no worries on that front.

Gillyx

euronorris wrote: »

My approach to resolve that issue was to ask OH to do X please. He responds, 'Yeah sure, I'll do that after I've finished this.'. Me, 'OK, no problem.'.

Wait patiently. Nothing happens. Next day (or in a few hours, depending how urgent it is), 'Darling, could you please do X?'. Get same response.

Wait patiently, nothing happens, so then I do it myself. As he's had two requests already, when he sees me doing it, he knows he should've done it already, apologises and starts taking over.

Now, he's much improved and tends to do things without needing a sending request. But, you do have to be patient and let them do it in their own time (unless there is a deadline - like getting the bins out before bin men come), as most of the time there really is no issue with waiting other than my (and maybe others) wanting to control it more and have it done straight away. Having been on the receiving end of that from my mother growing up, I know how irritating it can be, to be expected to drop everything there and then (she would often ask me to do my ironing when I was eating my dinner, and then start doing it anyway because 'you obviously weren't going to.'!! Arghhh!).

Maybe that approach would work for you too?

Most of the stuff I ask him to do though does have a deadline, very rarely is it things that can wait like ironing or whatever because I do that. The bins, the story about the gas, were all sort of important and needing done then. Or if we're doing dinner, things like setting the table, sort of needs done before I have the dinner out or we'l be eating with our fingers :rotfl: So usually I'll ask when I start doing dinner, could you set the table, then a ten minute warning, could you set the table, and then I'm rushing about trying to put dinner out and set the table, then he get's cross and tells me "I was going to do it" but the horse has bolted by that point!

Metranil_Vavin

I'm not working at the moment either, I quit my job 2 weeks go for various reasons, so OH is the breadwinner, and I do feel a bit guilty about that so try to make sure the house is kept tidy, washing is done etc.
However he does help out too, and we take it in turns to cook dinner in the evenings as by the end of the day I am knackered having run around after our 10 month old all day!
It's all about give and take, and I do think that as you are pregnant your OH should be helping out more, particularly with the more physical things that need doing.
His main priority right now should be yours and the baby's well being.

euronorris

Gillyx wrote: »

Most of the stuff I ask him to do though does have a deadline, very rarely is it things that can wait like ironing or whatever because I do that. The bins, the story about the gas, were all sort of important and needing done then. Or if we're doing dinner, things like setting the table, sort of needs done before I have the dinner out or we'l be eating with our fingers :rotfl: So usually I'll ask when I start doing dinner, could you set the table, then a ten minute warning, could you set the table, and then I'm rushing about trying to put dinner out and set the table, then he get's cross and tells me "I was going to do it" but the horse has bolted by that point!

Yeah, I know all about that! OH does the same sometimes, and I always just respond 'Yes, but you didn't. And it needed to be done before x, because of y, so I did it.'. And then he tells me he feels useless and bad, and I tell him that is not my fault and could be easily avoided.

I think sometimes, he expects me to go 'Ahhh, don't feel bad.'. But I am never going to do that, as I am not responsible for how he feels about not doing something he said he would. I also feel that if I did, he would just continue on in that way, and never improve, so the cycle would just repeat.

victory

I agree with euro if there is no deadline set your own , say you want it done by friday and invariably it will be done because they don't feel rushed, you have not asked them to stop doing what they were doing and do it NOW, immediately, I want it NOW, puts people's backs up but if you need it as a quicker outcome ask at the very beginning, like the bins say the bins have to go out at such and such a time please can you make sure they are out by that time so that they get taken and we do not have 2 weeks worth sitting there because you forgot?

Pretty much if you tell them what you need, when yo need it by and why they invariable can react to it albar forgetting but that can be solved by writing on the wipe clean board we have in the kitchen with daily bits and pieces on, right by the fridge so they cannot help but see it, remember and do it:D