Reassure me I'm not being a heartless, witch, please!

jamespir

sqeeky wrote: »

Usual AE here. I'm posting this to see it in black and white, so I can't hide from reality and can't be convinced, yet again, that I'm being totally unfair and delusional and not trusting of 'a good bloke who would never lie to you'.

I'm sorry it's so long. But I need to see all the bad things in front of me.



Boyfriend of 8 years is a recovered drug addict, decidedly unrecovered alcoholic and heavy smoker. He's 45.

I've done all the usual stuff, visited him in detox, bought him clothes, helped him with various problems - and bitten my tongue when I can't be 100% certain if he is lying or not. And made anonymous calls to the police when he has been drink driving, but they don't seem prepared to do anything about it. He, of course, will deny that he has ever done such a thing. Mind you, if he said it was daytime, you would have to check for yourself as he lies as easily as breathing. So much so, it is rare occaison that I ever caught him out.


He hates me going out - not 'out' out, I mean leaving the house. I can't wear makeup, nice clothes, wear perfume or I am going to find a man. When I'm only wanting tampons. Which he will insist he goes and buys for me. Keeping the change, and taking over an hour to get back from 10 minutes away.


When I started an college course, he was beside himself that I needed to look at a laptop rather than his face 24/7. Constant moaning, whining and distraction (every minute I tried to study, the TV went on full blast, he would start talking at me, he would offer a cup of tea every 5 minutes, say 'YOU ALRIGHT BABE' in between and when I answered in single words 'HELLO? HELLO? IS THERE ANYBODY IN THERE?', etc.

I made it through one unit despite this (but only got a grade 2 pass), but at the 4 day residential (where I had arranged for a neighbour to look after my cat), he convinced her to let him have the key and then holed up in there for a week drinking all day every day. He said I was having an affair and not dissecting leaves and wheat coleoptiles in the lab so I had made him do that by going away. I dropped out the next year because he revved up the hassle and made a bunch of suicide threats, which lost me loads of money.


If I do get out, he gets drunk (but hides the evidence before I get back), whine, moan, whinge, make 'jokes' that I must have trouble sitting down after all those men and on the one occasion he came to a do with me, he threw a strop beforehand that I ignored, he then tried to walk around with his hands on my hips like a conga dancer with superglue on his hands and then went mad because I refused to go home less than an hour later. The people I knew there now avoid me.

He say I should be spending the time with him and because I've got a child, I mustn't go out after dark. The child is 19 and lives her own life in her own home.

When he has been here, he eats everything. A bacon sandwich cannot be a bacon sandwich - it has to be eggs, bacon, sausages, fresh rolls, an ounce of butter, mushrooms, cheese, etc. But he'll most likely chuck it back up again when he has his next fag. And then cook even more food. I hide my purse and bankcards all the time.








Anyway, he's now living with his mum, because I found Special Brew under the driver seat and he said it was just to pour away to show me he wasn't ever going to drink again. When I said I didn't believe him, he shouted for ages how mean I was and messy and old and mad and then took half his stuff and drove off.

He then forgot all about it and gave up his flat then turned up at my door. I think he thought making himself homeless would force me to take him in and put him on the books so he could get dole. So he ended up at his mother's, where, once he failed to get the first flat he viewed, he hasn't bothered doing a thing to help himself since.



He visited last weekend. Didn't ask, told me he was coming. Then didn't bother coming on the Friday because he got drunk. Rather than calling, he turned up Saturday nightoooooo without warning.
He forgot he had told me he was drunk, so said he had a puncture.


Last time he did this, I was ignoring his calls and texts, so he turned up at the door and rang the bell and banged on the windows until I had to open the door because it looked like he was about to break in saying 'I thought you were dead and I was so worried'. The time before that, I was out and came back to my house to find him trying to climb in my bedroom window.

So I was polite to him, offered him a cuppa and, as I came out of the bathroom, found him checking the clean washing pile to see what knickers I had been wearing, as anything other than baggy grey would mean I had been on the pull.

He left after I didn't put out for him. Even sober/withdrawing, he doesn't do it for me anymore, what with nicotine stained fingers, gakky cough and spitting and the frequent coughing, lighting up a fag made from the contents of the ashtray and coughing again until he empties his guts over my patio plants. And he's started doing things that are a bit creepy - trying to nuzzle up like a toddler to its mum and trying to nudge under my arm to rest on my belly or pull his T-shirt up in public when all I've said is something like 'what size shirt are you wearing?' or because he wants to scratch his big belly.



I know that there isn't anything there worth salvaging.



Anyhow, he called today. I have to answer him or he'll keep going until he turns up here again.

'Is that offer of living with you still open?'


Er, no. [thinking: that expired long, long ago]


'Well, I'll live in my car and die of hypothermia, then'

You had a row with your mum, then.

'She expects me to pay her keep and I can't do that when I've no money'

You had money on Friday that you spent on getting wnkrd.

'No I didn't!'

Yes you did, don't deny it because you forgot you told me you did.

'But that was only because she'd been nagging. She's only happy if I'm working in the house fixing stuff'

It wasn't her fault. That was because you chose to drink. No other reason.

'Well, I'm homeless because I told her to stick it and she's told me to f off'

Best get yourself down the council then and present as homeless.

'oh and I've got a spirometry test thing today'


Oh, to check you've not got emphysema/COPD like your Dad.

'No, it's just to check my asthma pump's working'

OK. Well, take a notepad, get them to write stuff down and make an appointment for the council for the morning.


'I'm not going to bother, I'm just going to go there and then they'll have to see me.'

OK then. Good luck. [thinking try not to get arrested]


'So you're telling me I'm going to die and you won't even help me get a flat and I haven't got any money and you are just sitting there saying OK then?'

No, I'm not. Talk to you later, you don't want to be late for your spirometry appointment.



He has been told repeatedly that he can't live here, that he has to help himself, that I won't be doing it for him and that I'm tired of not being trusted and the drinking and the lying. But each time, he goes off and then reappears like nothing has ever happened. I feel sad for him, because underneath it, there used to be a very sweet guy, and whatever happened, he was never, ever violent.




In black and white, I'm well rid. I know I am, even if it means being on my own for the rest of my life, as it's got to be better than being on my own with a great lumpen deadweight hanging round my neck. But I still have this nagging feeling I'm being mean, like kicking a wounded dog. Especially as he is probably going to be told he has COPD - he sounds like a textbook example. I'm even beginning to wonder if he is developing dementia and that would be a really mean thing to do, to get rid just as he meets the consequences of his unreadiness to change.





Ahhhh! Tell me I'm doing the right thing, to get rid of him, to refuse to be there for him anymore, to leave him to kill himself and die in horrible pain and confusion.

Just before Christmas. Which will be my first Christmas totally alone.

And that I'm not an evil, cruel witch who is abandoning him to his fate.

i think you need to let go other wise it will only go on and on and on

its hard yes but hes not your problem anymore dont feel guilty about leaving him


the bit i hightlighted in bold my gf she suffers from schiziophrenia and depression and that is exactly how she speaks or acts towards me when im on the laptop trying to work

DVardysShadow

sqeeky, this has gone on for far too long and has gone years beyond the point where you should have been thinking what you are thinking now and doing something about it.

You are worth so much more than this. If he was the last man on earth, you would be better off on your own.

wolfehouse

if you can get your hands on it try reading the book 'stop walking on eggshells by paul mason
(subtiutled taking your life back when someone you care about has borderline personality disorder)
and see if anything there rings true for you. good tips in it on communication and your own options.

skintandscared_2

Every element of his life is down to the choices he has made. If he ever tries to guilt-trip you, and say that if X happens, it's your fault, just reply no - if X happens it's because of the choices you have made.

He needs to start making better choices!

londonsurrey

I've dealt with people with no conscience.
The way they work is not "You've done something nice for me, thank you, I'll go away now".
The way they work is "You've done something nice for me. Ah ha, gotcha. I've got a lever in there, what else can I get now?"

So every phone call you answer, it's not helping him as he's not after help, each phone call is an attempt to get something out of you, and if he gets something, he'll push it to the limit and more.

Does this logic give you the "permission" in your mind to be firm with him and to allow yourself to cut free?

FatVonD

How easy would it be to move house? I know you shouldn't have to but it might make things easier in the long run.

Do you have friends or relatives that you could go to stay with over Christmas so you're not there on your own (put your cat in a cattery) so you're not on tenterhooks wondering if he's going to turn up?

And you're definitely not an evil witch! You've only got one life and this is no way to live it!

olibrofiz

You are really not being a heartless witch to this 'good bloke who would never lie to you'. He's not, and he does.

I can understand you feeling the way you do, when I was in my 20's I was with someone like him, a lot of what you describe in your first post he did to me, and I felt a sense of responsibility for his wellbeing - but as hard as it is, you HAVE to let go.

Be kind to yourself xxxx

lisawood78

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

!!!!!!

GET RID

That is all.

This /\

It's clear, it's bold and to the point.

Sorry, but anything else is crazy IMHO.

make_me_wise

sqeeky wrote: »

I've done all the usual stuff, visited him in detox, bought him clothes, helped him with various problems - and bitten my tongue when I can't be 100% certain if he is lying or not.

He hates me going out - not 'out' out, I mean leaving the house. I can't wear makeup, nice clothes, wear perfume or I am going to find a man. When I'm only wanting tampons. Which he will insist he goes and buys for me. Keeping the change, and taking over an hour to get back from 10 minutes away.

When I started an college course, he was beside himself that I needed to look at a laptop rather than his face 24/7. Constant moaning, whining and distraction (every minute I tried to study, the TV went on full blast, he would start talking at me, he would offer a cup of tea every 5 minutes, say 'YOU ALRIGHT BABE' in between and when I answered in single words 'HELLO? HELLO? IS THERE ANYBODY IN THERE?', etc.

If I do get out, he gets drunk (but hides the evidence before I get back), whine, moan, whinge, make 'jokes' that I must have trouble sitting down after all those men and on the one occasion he came to a do with me, he threw a strop beforehand that I ignored, he then tried to walk around with his hands on my hips like a conga dancer with superglue on his hands and then went mad because I refused to go home less than an hour later. The people I knew there now avoid me.

He say I should be spending the time with him and because I've got a child, I mustn't go out after dark. The child is 19 and lives her own life in her own home.

Ahhhh! Tell me I'm doing the right thing, to get rid of him, to refuse to be there for him anymore, to leave him to kill himself and die in horrible pain and confusion.

I take it the last question is a joke! You cannot seriously need for someone to tell you, that the right thing to do is get shot of this waste of space, before he drags your life down with his.

I did get to the end of your thread but the bits I have highlighted stood out for me. It should be a huge wake up call that you are in a dire relationship when you consider the stuff above to be 'normal' things to be doing with/for a partner.

Must ask what exactly does he think will happen to you if you go out after dark considering you have a 19 year old :rotfl::rotfl:

Give yourself the best xmas pressie ever and dump this idiot asap. Start the new year single and see how much better your life will instantly get.

abacus73

sqeeky wrote: »

He say I should be spending the time with him and because I've got a child, I mustn't go out after dark. The child is 19 and lives her own life in her own home.

So I was polite to him, offered him a cuppa and, as I came out of the bathroom, found him checking the clean washing pile to see what knickers I had been wearing, as anything other than baggy grey would mean I had been on the pull.

How to put this..... When he said you have a child and shouldn't go out after dark, he was referring to himself. He behaves like a child who needs his every need to be met immediately, similar to the reasoning of a toddler. He wasn't talking about your 19 year old. He sure as hell doesn't see you as an equal, someone to be respected, considered etc.

Cant quite get over that after checking through your knickers you had anything further to do with him. Let alone have a telephone conversation. Who wears baggy grey knick knocks? Has the concept that a woman wears pretty lingerie to please herself not the man in her life totally eluded him.

You say he has never been violent. Physically maybe. You can suffer emotional violence/abuse and it sounds to me as if he is dealing this out to you by the bucketful. The fact you are on here asking for us to tell you that you are not wrong to move on from him, shows this. Huge hugs hun, it cant be easy to face up to all of this.