Reassure me I'm not being a heartless, witch, please!

meritaten

sqeeky wrote: »

Thank you, thank you.

I do feel guilty.

I feel angry, too. So angry, I imagine being violent when he paws at me. It scares me that I could think to do something so terrible when, as he says, he 'only wants cuddles'. But he makes my skin crawl.


I've got to stop him. I'll go mad if I let this carry on any longer. If I'm not mad already for having this urge to hit him again and again for grabbing at me, for all the times I've woken up to find him, well, you know, for having him scream and shout that I'm accusing him of abuse when I've said don't touch me again when I'm sleeping.

The same person who says my temper is evil and it was dangerous to be around me when I stopped smoking, even though I was extra careful not to pick on him, and carried on telling everyone that for years afterwards. And I have never so much as put a cup of tea down heavily for fear of him reacting to it as an attack.


He makes me feel like I'm the one abusing him.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!



You are really helping me see it clearly. That I'm not imagining it, that I'm not mental and need medication.


I have to man up and tell him straight that I don't want him calling, visiting, or collecting his stuff (there's all manner of junk shoved in the shed and cupboards that's his, and loads of things that belong to me - tools, particularly - that he has. So I guess they're all gone.) His mother can do that. I dread him saying 'we have to talk' because it means he's here again with his bags in the car, no money for petrol to get back for another 10 days and me stuck with him.





I wish he would just stay away and leave me alone so I don't have to do it. I'm such a coward.


But thank you, everybody for taking the time to answer me.

YOU are not mad - you are reacting very sanely to someone who is abusing you!!!! You are ANGRY - thats healthy hun!

dont think of yourself as a coward - You have tried to help this person and now you are afraid of them. You have good reason.
You need help - there is help out there hun! access it!
if you think womens aid is just for battered wives - then you are wrong - they would be there for you! Yes YOU! ask them for advice.
The local police Domestic Violence Unit - SCARY - BUT, they are there to help women like you!
hun, ask these people for help - if they cannot help you directly they can usually put you in touch with people who can.
and the SAMARITANS are wonderful - they know more people who can help!
I think you are ready to cut him out of your life - you just need a few pointers on HOW to do it!

belfastgirl23

In addition to what everyone else has said, I would also add that at this point what favours are you doing him by staying with him? No matter how you look at it, in not splitting up with him in some ways you are accepting his behaviour, whether you want to or not. This is a form of enabling.

I'm not saying this in a 'blaming you' type of way but more to give you a different outside perspective. Even if what you are thinking about is him (which is why you're making the witch comment) your current strategy is definitely NOT helping him. it is possible that by kicking him into touch you will cause him to reevaluate his life and this could have a positive effect as much as it could possibly have a negative effect. As the others say, it's up to him to decide how he deals with this news.

As an aside though, you should let his mum know as a courtesy if you have any relationship with her. She will be affected by this too and it's better to at least forewarn her a little.

Good luck. I think it's clear to all of us what you need to do. Keep posting if it helps.

richardvc

You are not a witch - you have been a kind and considerate woman who has run out of patience.

There is only so much you can do for someone and when they haven't got the balls / self-respect to get up and do it for themselves you lose interest.

Go and meet a man who is worthy of your kindness, genorosity and spirit and you will be repaid for your suffering at the hands of a nightmare.

VfM4meplse

Do you still love him? Is that why you have tolerated this behaviour for so long?

4 letters guaranteed to ruin your life.

sqeeky

VfM4meplse wrote: »

Do you still love him? Is that why you have tolerated this behaviour for so long?

4 letters guaranteed to ruin your life.

I had to think about that.

No. I don't.


Which makes me feel bad. And guilty. And angry that the feelings I had for him are long gone. And because his mistress comes in 500ml cans.

duchy

Please talk to Women's Aid-they don't just help women escape from violent relationships-they also support women whilst they are rebuilding their lives AFTER leaving such men.
Congratulations on reaching the point you can say "This ends" and telling other people. It's the first step-and the first steps are always the hardest !

Look love needs to be earned -respect needs to be earned and relationships need both to survive let alone grow. It isn't a relationship anymore -walk away. You don't need to feel guilty-to be loved you need to be lovable-and there is NOTHING lovable about this man.

Humphrey10

No need to feel guilty, you have tried to help him for far far longer than most people would.

sqeeky wrote: »

When I started an college course, he was beside himself that I needed to look at a laptop rather than his face 24/7. Constant moaning, whining and distraction (every minute I tried to study, the TV went on full blast, he would start talking at me, he would offer a cup of tea every 5 minutes, say 'YOU ALRIGHT BABE' in between and when I answered in single words 'HELLO? HELLO? IS THERE ANYBODY IN THERE?', etc.

If anyone over the age of 4 behaved like that to me I would never be in contact with them again, that is seriously worrying and strange behaviour. Even my pet dog and a 5 year old close relative of mine would not behave is such an attention seeking and childish way. It's really not normal.

The rest of the behaviour you describe is even worse.

VfM4meplse

sqeeky wrote: »

I had to think about that.

If you had to think about it, you definitely don't love him. So instead ask yourself what hold he has over you....and then kick his butt into next week.

scot88

sqeeky wrote: »

I had to think about that.

No. I don't.


Which makes me feel bad. And guilty. And angry that the feelings I had for him are long gone. And because his mistress comes in 500ml cans.

I went through a similar scenario...with all the same feelings as you describe.Especially the mistress in cans. It is highly unlikely he will ever change..but it will NEVER be because of anything that you said/did to him.
As everyone else has said move on with your life...I know it's hard...but you CAN do it.

greenhill

Bless you x

What belfastgirl wrote is so true.

Have a read - About enabling the alcoholic