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Reassure me I'm not being a heartless, witch, please!
sqeeky
Posts: 24 Forumite
Usual AE here. I'm posting this to see it in black and white, so I can't hide from reality and can't be convinced, yet again, that I'm being totally unfair and delusional and not trusting of 'a good bloke who would never lie to you'.
I'm sorry it's so long. But I need to see all the bad things in front of me.
Boyfriend of 8 years is a recovered drug addict, decidedly unrecovered alcoholic and heavy smoker. He's 45.
I've done all the usual stuff, visited him in detox, bought him clothes, helped him with various problems - and bitten my tongue when I can't be 100% certain if he is lying or not. And made anonymous calls to the police when he has been drink driving, but they don't seem prepared to do anything about it. He, of course, will deny that he has ever done such a thing. Mind you, if he said it was daytime, you would have to check for yourself as he lies as easily as breathing. So much so, it is rare occaison that I ever caught him out.
He hates me going out - not 'out' out, I mean leaving the house. I can't wear makeup, nice clothes, wear perfume or I am going to find a man. When I'm only wanting tampons. Which he will insist he goes and buys for me. Keeping the change, and taking over an hour to get back from 10 minutes away.
When I started an college course, he was beside himself that I needed to look at a laptop rather than his face 24/7. Constant moaning, whining and distraction (every minute I tried to study, the TV went on full blast, he would start talking at me, he would offer a cup of tea every 5 minutes, say 'YOU ALRIGHT BABE' in between and when I answered in single words 'HELLO? HELLO? IS THERE ANYBODY IN THERE?', etc.
I made it through one unit despite this (but only got a grade 2 pass), but at the 4 day residential (where I had arranged for a neighbour to look after my cat), he convinced her to let him have the key and then holed up in there for a week drinking all day every day. He said I was having an affair and not dissecting leaves and wheat coleoptiles in the lab so I had made him do that by going away. I dropped out the next year because he revved up the hassle and made a bunch of suicide threats, which lost me loads of money.
If I do get out, he gets drunk (but hides the evidence before I get back), whine, moan, whinge, make 'jokes' that I must have trouble sitting down after all those men and on the one occasion he came to a do with me, he threw a strop beforehand that I ignored, he then tried to walk around with his hands on my hips like a conga dancer with superglue on his hands and then went mad because I refused to go home less than an hour later. The people I knew there now avoid me.
He say I should be spending the time with him and because I've got a child, I mustn't go out after dark. The child is 19 and lives her own life in her own home.
When he has been here, he eats everything. A bacon sandwich cannot be a bacon sandwich - it has to be eggs, bacon, sausages, fresh rolls, an ounce of butter, mushrooms, cheese, etc. But he'll most likely chuck it back up again when he has his next fag. And then cook even more food. I hide my purse and bankcards all the time.
Anyway, he's now living with his mum, because I found Special Brew under the driver seat and he said it was just to pour away to show me he wasn't ever going to drink again. When I said I didn't believe him, he shouted for ages how mean I was and messy and old and mad and then took half his stuff and drove off.
He then forgot all about it and gave up his flat then turned up at my door. I think he thought making himself homeless would force me to take him in and put him on the books so he could get dole. So he ended up at his mother's, where, once he failed to get the first flat he viewed, he hasn't bothered doing a thing to help himself since.
He visited last weekend. Didn't ask, told me he was coming. Then didn't bother coming on the Friday because he got drunk. Rather than calling, he turned up Saturday nightoooooo without warning.
He forgot he had told me he was drunk, so said he had a puncture.
Last time he did this, I was ignoring his calls and texts, so he turned up at the door and rang the bell and banged on the windows until I had to open the door because it looked like he was about to break in saying 'I thought you were dead and I was so worried'. The time before that, I was out and came back to my house to find him trying to climb in my bedroom window.
So I was polite to him, offered him a cuppa and, as I came out of the bathroom, found him checking the clean washing pile to see what knickers I had been wearing, as anything other than baggy grey would mean I had been on the pull.
He left after I didn't put out for him. Even sober/withdrawing, he doesn't do it for me anymore, what with nicotine stained fingers, gakky cough and spitting and the frequent coughing, lighting up a fag made from the contents of the ashtray and coughing again until he empties his guts over my patio plants. And he's started doing things that are a bit creepy - trying to nuzzle up like a toddler to its mum and trying to nudge under my arm to rest on my belly or pull his T-shirt up in public when all I've said is something like 'what size shirt are you wearing?' or because he wants to scratch his big belly.
I know that there isn't anything there worth salvaging.
Anyhow, he called today. I have to answer him or he'll keep going until he turns up here again.
'Is that offer of living with you still open?'
Er, no. [thinking: that expired long, long ago]
'Well, I'll live in my car and die of hypothermia, then'
You had a row with your mum, then.
'She expects me to pay her keep and I can't do that when I've no money'
You had money on Friday that you spent on getting wnkrd.
'No I didn't!'
Yes you did, don't deny it because you forgot you told me you did.
'But that was only because she'd been nagging. She's only happy if I'm working in the house fixing stuff'
It wasn't her fault. That was because you chose to drink. No other reason.
'Well, I'm homeless because I told her to stick it and she's told me to f off'
Best get yourself down the council then and present as homeless.
'oh and I've got a spirometry test thing today'
Oh, to check you've not got emphysema/COPD like your Dad.
'No, it's just to check my asthma pump's working'
OK. Well, take a notepad, get them to write stuff down and make an appointment for the council for the morning.
'I'm not going to bother, I'm just going to go there and then they'll have to see me.'
OK then. Good luck. [thinking try not to get arrested]
'So you're telling me I'm going to die and you won't even help me get a flat and I haven't got any money and you are just sitting there saying OK then?'
No, I'm not. Talk to you later, you don't want to be late for your spirometry appointment.
He has been told repeatedly that he can't live here, that he has to help himself, that I won't be doing it for him and that I'm tired of not being trusted and the drinking and the lying. But each time, he goes off and then reappears like nothing has ever happened. I feel sad for him, because underneath it, there used to be a very sweet guy, and whatever happened, he was never, ever violent.
In black and white, I'm well rid. I know I am, even if it means being on my own for the rest of my life, as it's got to be better than being on my own with a great lumpen deadweight hanging round my neck. But I still have this nagging feeling I'm being mean, like kicking a wounded dog. Especially as he is probably going to be told he has COPD - he sounds like a textbook example. I'm even beginning to wonder if he is developing dementia and that would be a really mean thing to do, to get rid just as he meets the consequences of his unreadiness to change.
Ahhhh! Tell me I'm doing the right thing, to get rid of him, to refuse to be there for him anymore, to leave him to kill himself and die in horrible pain and confusion.
Just before Christmas. Which will be my first Christmas totally alone.
And that I'm not an evil, cruel witch who is abandoning him to his fate.
I'm sorry it's so long. But I need to see all the bad things in front of me.
Boyfriend of 8 years is a recovered drug addict, decidedly unrecovered alcoholic and heavy smoker. He's 45.
I've done all the usual stuff, visited him in detox, bought him clothes, helped him with various problems - and bitten my tongue when I can't be 100% certain if he is lying or not. And made anonymous calls to the police when he has been drink driving, but they don't seem prepared to do anything about it. He, of course, will deny that he has ever done such a thing. Mind you, if he said it was daytime, you would have to check for yourself as he lies as easily as breathing. So much so, it is rare occaison that I ever caught him out.
He hates me going out - not 'out' out, I mean leaving the house. I can't wear makeup, nice clothes, wear perfume or I am going to find a man. When I'm only wanting tampons. Which he will insist he goes and buys for me. Keeping the change, and taking over an hour to get back from 10 minutes away.
When I started an college course, he was beside himself that I needed to look at a laptop rather than his face 24/7. Constant moaning, whining and distraction (every minute I tried to study, the TV went on full blast, he would start talking at me, he would offer a cup of tea every 5 minutes, say 'YOU ALRIGHT BABE' in between and when I answered in single words 'HELLO? HELLO? IS THERE ANYBODY IN THERE?', etc.
I made it through one unit despite this (but only got a grade 2 pass), but at the 4 day residential (where I had arranged for a neighbour to look after my cat), he convinced her to let him have the key and then holed up in there for a week drinking all day every day. He said I was having an affair and not dissecting leaves and wheat coleoptiles in the lab so I had made him do that by going away. I dropped out the next year because he revved up the hassle and made a bunch of suicide threats, which lost me loads of money.
If I do get out, he gets drunk (but hides the evidence before I get back), whine, moan, whinge, make 'jokes' that I must have trouble sitting down after all those men and on the one occasion he came to a do with me, he threw a strop beforehand that I ignored, he then tried to walk around with his hands on my hips like a conga dancer with superglue on his hands and then went mad because I refused to go home less than an hour later. The people I knew there now avoid me.
He say I should be spending the time with him and because I've got a child, I mustn't go out after dark. The child is 19 and lives her own life in her own home.
When he has been here, he eats everything. A bacon sandwich cannot be a bacon sandwich - it has to be eggs, bacon, sausages, fresh rolls, an ounce of butter, mushrooms, cheese, etc. But he'll most likely chuck it back up again when he has his next fag. And then cook even more food. I hide my purse and bankcards all the time.
Anyway, he's now living with his mum, because I found Special Brew under the driver seat and he said it was just to pour away to show me he wasn't ever going to drink again. When I said I didn't believe him, he shouted for ages how mean I was and messy and old and mad and then took half his stuff and drove off.
He then forgot all about it and gave up his flat then turned up at my door. I think he thought making himself homeless would force me to take him in and put him on the books so he could get dole. So he ended up at his mother's, where, once he failed to get the first flat he viewed, he hasn't bothered doing a thing to help himself since.
He visited last weekend. Didn't ask, told me he was coming. Then didn't bother coming on the Friday because he got drunk. Rather than calling, he turned up Saturday nightoooooo without warning.
He forgot he had told me he was drunk, so said he had a puncture.
Last time he did this, I was ignoring his calls and texts, so he turned up at the door and rang the bell and banged on the windows until I had to open the door because it looked like he was about to break in saying 'I thought you were dead and I was so worried'. The time before that, I was out and came back to my house to find him trying to climb in my bedroom window.
So I was polite to him, offered him a cuppa and, as I came out of the bathroom, found him checking the clean washing pile to see what knickers I had been wearing, as anything other than baggy grey would mean I had been on the pull.
He left after I didn't put out for him. Even sober/withdrawing, he doesn't do it for me anymore, what with nicotine stained fingers, gakky cough and spitting and the frequent coughing, lighting up a fag made from the contents of the ashtray and coughing again until he empties his guts over my patio plants. And he's started doing things that are a bit creepy - trying to nuzzle up like a toddler to its mum and trying to nudge under my arm to rest on my belly or pull his T-shirt up in public when all I've said is something like 'what size shirt are you wearing?' or because he wants to scratch his big belly.
I know that there isn't anything there worth salvaging.
Anyhow, he called today. I have to answer him or he'll keep going until he turns up here again.
'Is that offer of living with you still open?'
Er, no. [thinking: that expired long, long ago]
'Well, I'll live in my car and die of hypothermia, then'
You had a row with your mum, then.
'She expects me to pay her keep and I can't do that when I've no money'
You had money on Friday that you spent on getting wnkrd.
'No I didn't!'
Yes you did, don't deny it because you forgot you told me you did.
'But that was only because she'd been nagging. She's only happy if I'm working in the house fixing stuff'
It wasn't her fault. That was because you chose to drink. No other reason.
'Well, I'm homeless because I told her to stick it and she's told me to f off'
Best get yourself down the council then and present as homeless.
'oh and I've got a spirometry test thing today'
Oh, to check you've not got emphysema/COPD like your Dad.
'No, it's just to check my asthma pump's working'
OK. Well, take a notepad, get them to write stuff down and make an appointment for the council for the morning.
'I'm not going to bother, I'm just going to go there and then they'll have to see me.'
OK then. Good luck. [thinking try not to get arrested]
'So you're telling me I'm going to die and you won't even help me get a flat and I haven't got any money and you are just sitting there saying OK then?'
No, I'm not. Talk to you later, you don't want to be late for your spirometry appointment.
He has been told repeatedly that he can't live here, that he has to help himself, that I won't be doing it for him and that I'm tired of not being trusted and the drinking and the lying. But each time, he goes off and then reappears like nothing has ever happened. I feel sad for him, because underneath it, there used to be a very sweet guy, and whatever happened, he was never, ever violent.
In black and white, I'm well rid. I know I am, even if it means being on my own for the rest of my life, as it's got to be better than being on my own with a great lumpen deadweight hanging round my neck. But I still have this nagging feeling I'm being mean, like kicking a wounded dog. Especially as he is probably going to be told he has COPD - he sounds like a textbook example. I'm even beginning to wonder if he is developing dementia and that would be a really mean thing to do, to get rid just as he meets the consequences of his unreadiness to change.
Ahhhh! Tell me I'm doing the right thing, to get rid of him, to refuse to be there for him anymore, to leave him to kill himself and die in horrible pain and confusion.
Just before Christmas. Which will be my first Christmas totally alone.
And that I'm not an evil, cruel witch who is abandoning him to his fate.
0
Comments
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"I've done all the usual stuff, visited him in detox, bought him clothes, helped him with various problems - and bitten my tongue when I can't be 100% certain if he is lying or not. And made anonymous calls to the police when he has been drink driving, but they don't seem prepared to do anything about it."
Sweetheart, this is not 'the usual stuff'.
Stay well away, be strong.0 -
I can't see anything in your post that would make me understand what you see in him and why you are still with him. In any way at all. He's manipulating and emotionally blackmailing you. He's not on his own, he has family - his relationship with them is his problem not yours. He's not the sweet guy you once knew and if people continue to enable him to live his current lifestyle is unlikely to ever be again.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it seems to me that honesty is what you were wanting. You'll probably feel guilty whatever you do, but what's in it for you if he stays? Other than not being alone at Christmas in which case I'd recommend a dog as being a lot more reliable and a lot less trouble.All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.
Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.0 -
You're doing the right thing! Move on.0
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In short - no, you're not - you've done much more than most.and whatever happened, he was never, ever violent.
Seriously, read that part back to yourself - if that's the best thing you can say about this man, you are doing the right thing.
Good luck with the rest of your life without this person!Penny: I'm a little low on cash.
Leonard: How much you got?
Penny: Nothing!
Leonard: How can you walk around with no money?
Penny: I'm cute, I get by.0 -
Sounds like you've got yourself a real charmer there. Good luck with that.0
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You're not a heartless witch! I would have called the police the first time he tried to climb through my window to be honest!0
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Jeez.... in short, yes, you are absolutely, 100% doing the right thing to get this man out of your life. For Good. No exceptions. No second (or more like 100th) chances. It sounds like you have tried to help and support, and got nowhere. Truth is, as you know inside, you can't help someone who doesnt truly want to be helped, and this man is quite happy to bumble on making his problems the responsibility of everyone else. He will NEVER turn it around whilst there is an emotional/financial/practical crutch there (you and his mum) bailing him out.
Yes, it is unfortunate that he may actual be reaping the "benefits" of his abusing his body now, with an illness, but those were HIS choices to live with, not yours.
Cruel and evil? No. Not at all. Looking at how he has treated you, the words fit him, far better than you. Be strong, move on, and live for yourself.Married 13/03/10 #1 DD born 13/01/12!!
;)Newborn Thread Founder
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I don't think you're being a heartless witch.
However - even if I did, I'd tell you to go ahead and carry on doing what you're doing. You are responsible for yourself and your own happiness, and he is responsible for his. If being with him does not make you happy, don't be with him.0 -
OP,
Despite the fact that everything you say in your post is about "him" and not yourself, it says an awful lot about your self-confidence.
Personally, I would ditch this loser, delete his number and ignore his calls.
Move on in life - there are far far far better men out there. Just leave him to rot and don't let him hold you back.
This guy is a champion loser and if you do even half as much for any future partners as you did for this clown you'll most likely have a very happy relationship. But please please please think more highly of yourself because you're probably far too good for this guy.0 -
YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING!!
or do you want to keep on being his crutch.Look after the pennys and the pounds will look after themselves:money:0
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